


Chronicles of Joshua, The

by westwingfanfictioncentral_archivist



Category: The West Wing
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-01-12
Updated: 2009-01-12
Packaged: 2019-05-15 04:32:53
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 40
Words: 60,469
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14783649
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/westwingfanfictioncentral_archivist/pseuds/westwingfanfictioncentral_archivist
Summary: Josh's thoughts about his relationship with Donna throughout the course of canon. Story is told exclusively in Josh's POV. This is what the "personal" file on his laptop might have contained.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> A copy of this work was once archived at National Library, a part of the [ West Wing Fanfiction Central](https://fanlore.org/wiki/West_Wing_Fanfiction_Central), a West Wing fanfiction archive. More information about the Open Doors approved archive move can be found in the [announcement post](http://archiveofourown.org/admin_posts/8325).

April 1998

~JOSH’S POV~

My eyes keep drifting over to Donna. I can’t believe she’s really there. I thought she was gone forever. I’m dying to know what happened. All she said was that they broke up. I tried to convince her that going back to that no-good, freeloading louse was a bad idea, but she didn’t listen.

It was on the tip of my tongue when she walked into my office and stood tentatively in my doorway. “Thank God.” I had said. And I was surprised at how desperate the ‘Thank God’ had sounded. But the next words of ‘I told you so’ died in my throat. She looked like she was barely holding her composure. That fucking bastard broke her heart. I really wish she’d tell me his real name. How could anyone look at Donna and hurt her? She has the face of an angel, for the love of God.

All I got out next was, “There’s a pile of stuff on the desk.”

She nodded, whispered, “Thanks,” and walked out.

From that moment on today, I’d stuck close to her. I think it was part the need to reassure myself that she was there and to keep everyone away from her. This overwhelming feeling of protectiveness was surging through my body.

“Donna!” greeted Joe from Advance. I hate this guy. He didn’t bug me so much until Donna came on board. But he rubs me the wrong way. I watch in disgust as his eyes travel over her body. Now I know why I hate him so much. He’s always undressing her with his eyes. “I just heard you were back.”

“Oh, yeah.” She says, smiling up at him. But it’s not a happy smile. I can tell she’s just trying to be polite.

“Wow. I’m really glad to see you. We missed you around here.” Joe says. I don’t like the look in his eye. He looks like he’s on the prowl.

“Well, it’s good to be back.” she says and smiles up at me. That’s a real smile.

“We should get together later.” Joe says.

“Go away.” I say a little more harshly than I had intended.

“I’m sorry?” Joe asks. Donna looks a little surprised herself, but all I can think about is getting this sleaze away from her.

“We’re busy.” I say again. My tone is a little more threatening.

“Well, I was just talking to Donna...” Joe says slowly.

“She’s working.” I point out.

“She doesn’t get a break?” Joe continues. Donna looks at me again. Those are pleading eyes. I defy you to find a guy on the planet that hasn’t had a girl look at him to save her from someone she didn’t want to talk to.

“I’m the senior political director for the entire campaign, Joe.” I say evenly. My voice has dropped to a deadly range. This is to serve many reminders. “She’s my assistant, and she’s busy.” I may have stressed the word, “my” a little more than I had intended.

“I’ll see you around, Donna.” Joe mumbles before disappearing.

Donna looks down at the file in her lap and I look back down to what I was reading, though I’ll be damned if I can actually see it. What was that? Why did some guy hitting on Donna elicit a reaction like that in me?

“Thanks, Josh.” she says softly.

“You just broke up with your boyfriend, Donna. I didn’t think you wanted to be dealing with that.” I say just as softly.

“I don’t.” she confirms.

“Are you ever going to tell me what you did to your foot?” I ask. She looks surprised. I point to her ankle, which is propped up on a bunch of boxes.

“I slipped on ice.”

“Ice in April?”

“It was a late thaw.”

Okay. That’s a load of shit. I don’t know why I don’t believe her, but something in the way she’s looking at me tells me it isn’t the truth. This, of course, leads me to believe it has something to do with the rat bastard.

“It has something to with him doesn’t it?” I ask.

“Him who?” she asks. “Dr. Freeride?” She can mock me all she wants, but she likes the nickname.

“Gomer.”

“Gomer who?”

“Gomer Pyle.”

“The sweet gas station guy from Andy Griffith?” she replies scrunching up her forehead in that adorable way she does when she’s not sure she knows what I mean. Adorable?

“The local idiot.” I smirk.

“You think you’re clever, don’t you?” she grins back.

“Joe from Advance is a Gomer, too.” I reply. She rolls her eyes. She can mock me all day, but she’s smiling, and my work is done.

“I’d hardly call someone who passed the medical exam an idiot, Joshua.”

“If he’s not busting in this office fighting for you, he’s a Gomer.”

“You’re not really going to refer to every guy that hits on me as Gomer are you?”

“I think it has a nice ring to it.” I smirk.

She rolls her eyes again and hops out of her chair, putting her folder in a white box in front of her and then labeling the box with a black sharpie. “So, is this what you’re going to do then any time I have a relationship that doesn’t work?”

“Maybe.” I shrug. “Worked on Gomer from Advance.”

“You have an actual job, you know. You can’t get all caught in your assistant’s love life.”

“Well, my assistant is also my friend, and I’ll do it anytime someone breaks your heart.” The adamance of my words shock even me, and I realize that no one is good enough for her. A startling and a little unnerving revelation on my part, I think.

She smiles lightly at me. “You know, you may think you’re some mean, political beast, but you’re really very sweet.”

“Do not EVER repeat those words.” I say as sternly as I can muster, but for some reason, I like that she can see through me.

She goes back to her organization of the disaster my office became in her absence. I don’t pretend to have a clue as to how to figure out her filing system. But, as long as she’s got immediate access to something I need when I need it, I could care less. It looks pretty basic when you read the outside of the box, but when you open up that box, it looks like a really warped version of the Dewey Decimal system.

I watch her label this box. “Bartlet for America 1, polling data, pre-convention.” I’m surprised I can even read her handwriting, to be honest with you. But I stop for a second and read it again. She’s labeled this campaign one, and pre-convention. Not only does she think we’re going to take the nomination, but she also believes we’re going to take the White House AND that the Governor will run again.

And now I know why I seem to desperately need her around, why I hired her in the first place. Because when I tell you that people were surprised I hired someone with absolutely no political experience to be my assistant, there was some surprise around here.

She sees the same thing in the Governor that I do.

A winner.

The others, they think he’s the real thing, and that’s why they’re here. But, they don’t think he’s going to win. I know he’s going to win. Donna’s apparently thought a little further than I have. I watch her start on another box and wonder if she’ll stay with me to see the second campaign, especially because campaigning in Air Force One will be something else.

After mindlessly watching her a little while, I noticed that she’s crying.

“Donna?” I ask concerned. She waves her hand at me and turns further away. One day, I really should stop to take the time to analyze my incessant need to fix everything for her, but I really only notice it when I have to fix something for her and then, I’m too concerned with fixing whatever the problem is to have the time to analyze why I’m doing it.

Did you follow that?

I pop out of my chair, circle my desk, and wrap my arms around her. It’s a little awkward at first because...well, I am her boss, but I don’t want to see her cry, especially over some guy.

Donna doesn’t seem to feel awkward about it at all. She cries into her hands against my chest and I stand there rubbing her back. She fits nice in my arms. I hope there’s more hugging in our future.

I see CJ out the corner of my eye. She’s heading for my office, engrossed in something in her hands. When she walks into the office and looks up, she stops abruptly. I gently shake my head at her, asking her with my eyes to come back later. I don’t know CJ all that well yet, but she knows the story of Donna’s departure, and probably drew the correct conclusion about her return, so she probably knows what’s going on. She nods and leads the room, blessedly closing the door on her way out.

Donna’s tears seem to stop, and now she seems content just to stand there for a minute. “He’s not worth your tears, Donna.”

“Oh, I’m not crying over him.” she says, pulling back a bit and wiping her eyes.

“Is it your ankle?” I ask frowning down at her foot. “I’m sure Dr. Bartlet has some sort of pain killer around here.”

“It’s not my ankle, Josh.” she whispers, looking at my shirt and not me.

“Well, then what was that?”

“I don’t know.” she shrugs. “I just really missed it here. I didn’t think you were going to take me back.”

I refrain from telling her I’ll always take her back. I’ve caught myself wondering many times since February where the hell she’s been all my life. I’d like the chance to figure out why I think that.

“I had to take you back.” I say breaking the hug and taking a step back. “I couldn’t figure out your filing system.” I sweep a hand along the boxes lining the wall, and she laughs.

She opens the lid of the top box and points to the numbered labels on the folders. “They didn’t teach you basic counting at Harvard or Yale?”

“The outer labeling is much more interesting to me.” I say pointing to the words on the box. “You’re a glass is half full girl, aren’t you?”

She looks at the words she wrote for a moment and then back up at me. I’m stunned when she whispers, “I can’t go back to Wisconsin, Josh.”

I stand there for a second, dying to ask her what the hell that means. My mind’s right back to Dr. Freeride and what he could have done to drive her away from home. It never occurs to me that there could be other reasons.

“Well, then we better try extra hard now.” I smirk. She smiles gratefully. I assume because I let her reveal something important about herself and didn’t ask her to tell me more than she was ready to.

I sit back down, and now, I read the information on the page in front of me. Donna continues to move around my office making sense of my mess. I look at her a few times again as the hours drone on and think to wonder again, where the hell has she been all my life?


	2. Chronicles of Joshua, The

October 1999

Toby and I are watching coverage of the 802 vote and the political pundits spin the win for Hoynes. Leo’s right, we got what we deserved. Toby and I have been sitting here for a while now. The lights are off and the t.v. is low. Donna’s sound asleep in my lap on Toby’s couch. She’s got a wicked migraine. Every now and then, Toby and I debate something in hushed voices.

Twice now, I saw Toby take note of my hand gently stroking her hair. When Donna finally revealed to me how awful she felt tonight, I told her to go home. Her roommate’s having a party though. Bad place for someone with a migraine to be. I wish she could afford her own place. She always bugs me for a raise, and I really want to give it to her because she deserves it, but I don’t set the salaries around here.

Donna’s migraine gets pretty nasty. She got one one night on the campaign trail and it made her throw up. One time, she couldn’t even see. I don’t want her to be stuck in her room with loud people and music and end up being worse than she is right now. She’s taken something for it, but it doesn’t really seem to be touching it yet.

I was more than willing to find someplace quiet for her for many reasons. One, I was tired of Mandy hounding me about Sarah Wessinger. I wanted to hide from Leo as well. He really didn’t want to go to Hoynes, but we all pushed him. He knew it, we doubted him, we got screwed. The whole thing pisses me off.

This is a good place to hide, because yeah, I’ve got to deal with the looks from Toby, but no one will really bust in here. Well, CJ and Sam probably will, but no one else anyway. Donna shifts a bit, and my hand falls to her shoulder as my attention goes back to the t.v. Toby throws down some more scotch.

“I think this is harder than we thought it would be.” he says quietly, looking over at me.

“I gotta say,” I reply. “We muscled our way in here and took no prisoners on the campaign, I would have thought it would have been a little easier.”

“No one is as scared of us as they should be. I thought Mandy would fix that.”

“We’re the only ones scared of Mandy.”

“Are you two getting back together?” Toby asks me suddenly, turning in his chair and leaning his forearms on his desk.

“No.” I say immediately, and my hand moves back to Donna’s hair. Toby watches this transition a minute, then pushes away from his desk and turns back to the t.v. “This guy’s a tool.” he says, gesturing to the pundit on t.v. with his scotch.

The thought of getting back together with Mandy is fairly revolting. All she does is yell at me. Yeah, she’s cute. Yeah, she’s good at her job. Yeah, she’s good in bed...she’s actually really good in bed...but Mandy is the jealous type. You should have seen her face when she met Donna. We couldn’t afford a media consultant until after the convention. Mandy and I had dated, like, a year before. But that May, she met Donna and then tried to get back together. For reasons surpassing my understanding, I decided it was a good idea. I was quickly reminded why we broke up in the first place and our rekindled whatever lasted until July.

That’s what the Sarah Wessinger crap was about. I didn’t sleep with Sarah Wessinger. I didn’t date Sarah Wessinger. Sarah Wessinger is the daughter of a very wealthy donor. Thus, the gifts.

CJ slips in and closes the door softly behind her. She turns like she’s going to sit down at the couch and sees Donna. She arches a brow in my direction and sits on the chair next to me. She’s here for a purpose, obviously, but I just sidetracked her I think. Resting my head in my hand on the arm of the couch, I don’t remove my hand from Donna’s head. I simply look at CJ expectantly.

“Comfortable?” she asks.

“Yes.”

“You’re going to start rumors if someone sees this.”

Please.

“First of all, lower your voice. Secondly, people who work in this building, and who would walk in this room right now, are generally intelligent people.” I shoot back. “Are you telling me that you took one look at this and immediately assumed I was sleeping with my assistant?” Warning shot fired over the bough.

Ha. She looks guilty. “Um...maybe not.” Warning shot acknowledged.

“She has a migraine.”

“Send her home.”

“I tried. Her roommate’s having a party.” I shoot back. “When I leave, I was going to bring her home with me. She gets pretty sick when she gets these.”

“You’re going to bring your assistant to spend the night at your house?”

“My assistant who’s also my friend.” I remind her. My tone is getting more annoyed.

“We’ve got some PR problems now, Josh.” CJ replies. “I don’t want to add you to them.”

“Thank you, CJ, for your high opinion of me and Donna.” I reply harshly.

“Josh...” she groans pressing her fingers to her head. “I’m not accusing you of anything. I’m worried about the visual.”

“God forbid I look like a good friend.” I reply.

This time, when Donna stirs, she wakes up. She sits up and blinks forcefully and I glare hard at CJ. Why’d she have to be such a bitch? Donna looks so incredibly miserable right now. CJ takes one look at Donna’s pained face and knows for certain that not only was I telling the truth, but Donna is most certainly not up to the physical exertion of sex.

Much less sex with me, which can take on almost gymnastic like qualities at time.

Not to toot my own horn or anything.

Donna looks back at me and she looks sick again.

“Wanna leave?” I ask quietly and she nods her head very slightly. I stand up, forcing CJ to sit back and reach my hand down to Donna. When she stands, I wrap an arm around her and she buries her head for a moment in my shoulder. “You can stay at my place.” I whisper. “Then you don’t have to worry about all the people at home still.” She nods against my shoulder again, and I quietly lead her out of Toby’s office.

“Toby...” I hear CJ say.

“Just let it go.” Toby replies.

I lead Donna away, so I don’t hear how much further the conversation goes. I’m holding her hand, and though I know she hasn’t lost the ability to walk, I don’t let go. I sit her down in my darkened office while I go and shut down her computer and grab her bag. I can certainly understand CJ’s concern. My actions are more boyfriendly than friendly. This tends to happen to us when one of us is sick. We just...gravitate to each other when we need someone.

Donna only knows the people she works with. She gets along with her roommate okay, but she’s trying to move. Her roommate is a bit of a partier. She also works for the majority whip. Currently a Republican. Donna didn’t really understand what that meant when she met her, and I didn’t find out about it until after she had moved in. Actually, it was a morning after I ended up drunk at her place. Donna says they don’t really talk about work. I believe her. She just thought that they had something in common, working for politicians. She’s been trying to find another place, but our hours are sometimes nuts. Since that day though, my lessons on who’s who in government and who are our friends and who aren’t, have increased. She asked me why her roommate would care about that and I told her that was a lesson for another day.

But I think that’s why we’re so taken with each other. I’ve lived in this town for about 15 years now, and yeah, I’ve got friends, but other than Sam, no one I’m really close with. I don’t have any family around here. My mother lives in Connecticut. Donna’s family is in Wisconsin and she’s new to the city. We’re really all each other has.

I head back into my office and power down my computer and grab my backpack. I also grab the bag of spare clothes she keeps here from the corner. She’s got a travel bag she keeps here now. We’ve spent the night here before. We’ve also unexpectedly found ourselves on Air Force One when at the last minute, I had to accompany the President on a trip I wasn’t scheduled on so I could staff him on the plane about stuff. Since then, we have emergency clothes here.

She drifted off to sleep again in my chair, and I’m loathed to wake, but she’s better off in a bed.

“Josh?” comes another female voice from the doorway. I cringe and turn. I was really trying to get away without a Mandy run in. I look at her and answer her with my face instead of my voice. “What’s going on?” she asks entering my office and looking at Donna. Surprisingly, she doesn’t look at me like she’s accusing me of something.

“Donna’s got a migraine.” I whisper. “I’m taking her home.” I refrain from saying who’s home I’m taking her to. Mandy looks at all the bags slung over my shoulder though and obviously draws her own conclusions.

“Don’t be an idiot, Josh.” she warns.

“About?”

She gestures to Donna in the chair and I’ve hit my limit. “Go away.” I order simply.

“Josh...” Mandy presses.

“Madeline.” I snap. “It is in your best interests to leave my presence. I am so offended by you and CJ, I can’t think straight.”

“I didn’t mean....”

“Yes, you did. Go.”

She gives me one last look and leaves. I turn back to Donna and take a second to get back under control before moving close to her. “Donnatella, wake up.” I say softly. She turns her head a bit then opens her eyes. “I got everything, let’s go.”

“Kay.”

Getting out to my car is no picnic. I got three bags over my shoulders and Donna leaning in to me. Signing out in the lobby is a peach and my car is not parked all that close to the building today. When I get her into the passenger seat, she presses her palms to her eyes and I see the tears leak out behind them.

I hate it when she cries.

I buckle her in and press a kiss to her forehead, thanking God it’s Friday. She’ll probably be at my place all weekend. Her real nasty migraines typically last about 48 hours. I slide into the driver seat and pull away from the building.

Unfortunately for Donna, there are many triggers for her migraines at our job: bright lights, changes in sleeping patterns, skipping meals. She once got a migraine from someone’s strong perfume. I had once thought about having maintenance take out a few of the bulbs over her cubicle. I think I’ll call down there tomorrow.

These took some getting used to on my part. I tend to be a needy guy, and these things send her down for the count. She had one once that lasted 72 hours. She doesn’t get them often, but she gets them bad. So when they come, she is totally out of commission and I can’t ask anything of her. Usually, she goes home, but tonight, she’s coming home with me.

When we arrive at my apartment, I take only Donna and her bag up with me and turn on as few lights in my apartment as possible. I’ll come back out for my other stuff once she’s settled. I bring her over to the bathroom. “Can you handle getting yourself changed?” I ask softly. I hope she says yes. I don’t think I have that kind of control. Thankfully, she nods her head. I leave her to it and head to the bedroom. My maid service comes on Fridays, so the bed has clean sheets on it. I get changed into pajama pants and a t-shirt, pull down the sheets and wait for her to come out.

She takes forever. My heart just goes out to her. Donna’s a pretty strong person. I tuck her into bed and make sure all the lights in the room are off. I stand up to head back out into the living room when I hear her sob. I slide back onto the bed and pull her into my arms, trying to soothe her the best I can.

I’m starting to realize why I do some of the things I do, and as more pieces fall into place, I get more and more terrified.


	3. Chronicles of Joshua, The

December 24, 1999

For the life of me, I can’t figure out what to write. Why the HELL did I think this was a good idea? I should have gotten her the stupid skies. First of all, I spent $150 on this musty book in front of me. But when I saw it, I was hit by what I thought was inspiration. I figured it was so easy. Get her the book on skiing, because I’m snarky like that, and then write something nice inside.

Boy, was I wrong.

Suddenly, words totally fail me. I know, I know. Fulbright Scholar. 760 verbal. Harvard. Yale. Where is it?

This woman, who once promised me she’d be valuable, has surpassed invaluable. She’s priceless. But how do I tell her that? If I put something in writing and she takes it the wrong way? Well, I’m not worried about her taking it the wrong way, so much as her taking it the right way.

I’m starting to get a handle on these feelings here. Why I make her work late when I discover she has a date; why I take her to formal events with me so I can see her dressed up; why when I’m drunk, I go to her house so she can take care of my hungover ass; why I spend $150 on a Christmas present, when I was only supposed to spend ten; and why a Jewish guy even celebrates Christmas to begin with.

I don’t think I’m in love. No, I’m not in denial. I think I’m smitten. And to be honest, I think I might be on my way to being in love.

There are many, many reasons why I can’t be in love with my assistant. Mostly, people will say horrid things about her. The hot shot Washington kid and his beautiful, young, blonde assistant. I know what people say about us. I know the things they think. They’re the exact thing I’D think if I were on the outside looking in.

Donna’s worried about Leo. We’re all worried about Leo. This is a drug scandal we’re about to face. So, one can see why throwing a sex scandal in there would be bad.

My phone rings and I snap it up, welcoming the distraction.

“Josh Lyman.”

“Joshua?”

“Mom?”

“Who else calls you Joshua?”

“Donna does.”

“That’s adorable.”

“What’s up, mom?”

“I was just calling to see how you were doing?”

“I’m stumped.”

“You’re stumped on how you’re doing?”

“I’m stumped on what to write Donna in this book I bought her for Christmas. I wanted to write an inscription, but I don’t know what to write.”

“Well, what do you feel?”

“I don’t think I can write that.”

“REALLY?”

Opps. A tactical error there.

“I don’t want anything to sound too cheesy. I’m supposed to be her boss.”

“What’s wrong with being honest?”

“Several workplace laws probably.”

“Joshua, don’t be silly. You know she cares about you, right?”

“Yeah, I know.”

“And you care about her?”

“Yeah.”

“What’s wrong with telling her again?”

“Sexual harassment laws.” I say again.

“Oh, Joshua.” my mother scoffs. “Donna doesn’t think like that.”

“You’ve never talked to her.”

“You’ve told me about her.”

“It’s not so much her as someone overhearing and getting the wrong idea.”

“You know, America has very Puritanical workplace ethics.” my mother complains. “Where do think I met your father?”

“Not at the White House.”

“Well, that’s true.”

“I don’t think I’m ready to break any barriers.”

“So much for being the administration of change.”

“Well, that was hitting below the belt.”

“I want grandchildren.”

“Can I get back to her -- I mean this?”

My mother chuckles at the slip. Shit. She’s going to be on my ass for years now.

“I’ll talk to you tomorrow, honey.”

I hang up the phone and look back down at the empty page before me, resting my cheek on my hand.

You’d think this would be easy.

I put my pen to page. I’m just about to write her name, when I notice my hand is in the middle of the page. Should I start higher? What if I get going that I write so much and lose room? But, what if I start at the top and then only say a little bit and there’s all this unfilled space on the page?

Why the HELL did I think this was a good idea?

Is it too late to go buy the skies? Coughing up the dough for that has got to be easier than this. I know what she means to me. I just don’t know what I can tell her.

There’s a light tap on the door and I hear her voice on the other side of it. I yank the book down into my lap and she comes into my office.

“Josh?”

“Hey.”

“I want to go watch the carolers.”

“I’ll be out in a second. We’ll go over together.”

“Okay.”

She smiles. And I know. I know that I can write whatever I want here. This is Donna. In a thousand years, Donna would never turn against me for telling her what she means to me. She’ll more than likely get the right impression, but she won’t do anything that’ll hurt me.

She smiles again, and backs out of my office. Closing the door behind her.

I blow out a long breath, and put my pen to the paper.

“Donnatella - I am speechless when faced with the task of telling you how priceless you are to me. I am nothing without you. - Joshua”

I just hope she doesn’t punch me.


	4. Chronicles of Joshua, The

February 2000

Southern California is hot. It’s hot, and sticky, and stifling. And what the hell was I thinking letting Donna talk me into going to sit on the side of the pool?

Oh, I know what I was thinking. I went and knocked on her hotel room door and she answered wearing the sexiest black bikini. I went there with the intention of making her entertain me from two to four during our free time, but when she opened the door, I about jumped her right there.

Black + alabaster skin = HOT!

Anyway, she told me there was no way in hell I was interrupting her tanning time. If I needed her that bad, I could come with her to the pool.

After seeing her in this hot as hell bikini, I’m going with her to the pool

So, that’s how I ended up here laying by the pool on a lounge chair.

I decided two can play her game and took my shirt off, too. I didn’t bring a bathing suit, but I did bring shorts.

I’m a runner. I don’t really hit the gym, but I do run. Sometimes I hit a hotel treadmill if we’re on a trip. I’m not on this trip because we’re not here all that long. But, what I’m trying to say here is, I’m not exactly out of shape.

And Donna notices. She hasn’t actually seen me without a shirt. It’s going to happen all the time now when we travel. She won’t be too freaked out about coming in my room when I’m getting out of the shower.

I feel the sun blocked and open my eyes. This is the second time this has happened.

“Hi, Donna.”

It’s Ed and Larry. They weren’t on the campaign. They started with us during transition. They didn’t see some of the more revealing things Donna wore. Now, they only see her in work clothes.

“Hey, guys.” she smiles sweetly to them. She probably thinks they’re here to talk to me.

“Are you going to go swimming?” One of the them says.

“No.” she says. “Just relaxing.”

“Um...are you going to the fundraiser later?” the other says.

Now, that’s a stupid question. Of course she’s going. She’s going with me. She’s here to work. What the hell is the matter with them?

“Yeah, I have to work.” she nods. And I slide my sunglasses down my nose a bit and glare at them over the rim.

“Well, we’ll see you there.” one says, having noticed my glowering presence. “We’ll have a drink.”

“Okay.” she nods. She’s a little too perky about it for my taste. They walk away and I watch them retreat, looking back at her a few times.

“That was weird.” she says, propping herself up on her elbows for a second and watching them walk away.

“No, it really wasn’t.” I reply dryly.

“They, like, never talk to me, unless they need something from you.”

“You’re not usually wearing that bikini in the bullpen.” I say. I try to give her a casual handwave, like she’s not affecting me at all. But, my voice squeaks a bit and my speech gets faster. That’s a giveaway.

“Are you bothered by my bathing suit?” she grins.

I lean up on my elbows and look over at her. “Why the hell would I be bothered by it?”

“I don’t know.” she shrugs. “They’re the second ones to stop over here.”

“Yeah, it’s getting annoying.” I say, and drop back to my spot.

“But, you’re not bothered by it.” she laughs, laying back down.

“Of course I’m bothered by it!” I squeak sitting up and taking off my sunglasses. “You’re my friend, I don’t like seeing you treated like a piece of meat. Not to mention, I’m also your boss, and it’s up to me to keep your work environment safe.”

Hmpf. So there.

She just smiles at me and flips over onto her stomach. Now, everyone can see her really nice ass. I could have done without the theory of even tanning.

I flop back down onto my chair. “You know, I don’t think you’ve shown me the appropriate pity today.”

“What for?” she chuckles.

“I had to eat lunch with Al Kiefer.”

“You also got slapped around by Ted Marcus.”

“I SO did not get slapped around by Ted Marcus.” Except I did a bit. But the President was pissed about it, so Ted’s going to have some issues later.

“Whatever.”

“Back to the Al Kiefer thing....”

“Forget Al Kiefer.” she said waving her hand. “What are you doing with me anyway? Why aren’t you going to find Joey Lucas? She’s staying in this hotel.”

That’s a good question. I like Joey. She’s sweet. She’s beautiful, she’s smart. She’s in politics, but not in competition with me.

She also lives in California though. And did I mention it’s hot here?

“I don’t think Joey’s into me.”

“She so is, Josh.”

“How do you know?” I ask propping myself up on my elbows.

“Girls pick up on the signals.” she says. “I can tell when women are hitting on you.”

“I didn’t think you paid that close attention.” I smile.

She looks over at me, gives me a strange smile and lays back down. What did that mean?

“You should be using this time to find her.”

“I like using this time to lay next to the hottest girl in the hotel.” I say, laying back down.

“Joey might look better than me in a bikini.”

Not likely.

“Donna, nobody looks better than you in a bikini.” Oops! Didn’t mean to say that one out loud.

“Hey, Donna.” I hear as a shadow falls across me again. I open my eyes and look up.

Fucking Joe from Advance.

“Oh, hi, Joe.” Donna says politely. She doesn’t like him. She thinks he’s creepy. He’s probably going to go off with this image of Donna in his head in that bikini and do something gross.

“You’re making me kind of hot over here. I thought you might want to go for a dip in the pool.”

“That’s the worst fucking one yet!” I say WAY too loudly and hop to my feet. “Get. Out. Of. Here. Now!”

Joe looks like he’s trying to make a decision on whether to square off against me or save his job and scram.

“See you at the party.” he says to Donna and takes off.

Donna’s propped herself up on her side now. She looks kind of like Chrissy from the Three’s Company opening credits. You guys know the shot I’m talking about.

“What the hell was that?” she asks, massive surprise evident in her voice.

“That” I say pointing after Joe. “was a pig. That guy is going to get us sued one day, Donna. I’m ordering you to stay the hell away from him.”

I see an eyebrow pop up from behind her sunglasses. “You’re ordering me?”

“Yes.”

There’s danger in them there waters, but I’m diving in anyway. That guy is going to do something totally inappropriate one day, and I don’t want it to be with Donna.

“How exactly is it do you think you can issue orders about who I do and don’t date?”

“Easily.” I say. But it takes me a second to formulate a good argument and she pushes her sunglasses up on her face and gives me her ‘This better be good’ face. “First of all, I’m your boss and interoffice dating is frowned upon.” That loud bang you hear? That’s me shooting myself in my foot. It’s best not to watch. “Secondly, you’re my friend, and I care about you, and I don’t want to see you end up in any crappy situations.”

“Crappy situations?” she asks. Though I can tell my second point got to her a bit.

“You’re a very trusting person, Donna.”

“Yeah, but I can see through Joe from Advance.”

“Some guys are better at it than that.”

“We’re back to the Gomer thing?”

“I’m just saying. I’ve got a pretty good radar for that shit.” I poke in the direction Joe left for emphasis, and she smiles, pushes her sunglass down and lays back on her stomach. I think I’m out of trouble.

Either that or she’s plotting where to dump my body.

“Lay down, Tiger.” she says. “We’ve got another hour out here, and I don’t want to push you in the pool to cool you off. Though, that would give me great pleasure right about now.”

I look at her for a moment. My mind slowly goes back from it’s momentary anger and protecting Donna mode to appreciating Donna’s rockin’ body mode. There is miles of alabaster skin before me.

And I’m really turned on by her calling me Tiger.

She’s right, of course. My testosterone is pretty peaked, but all four of those guys came over here because she’s in a skimpy bikini. Donna’s right. Ed and Larry rarely talk to her at work unless they need me. The first guy, I didn’t even know. I think he was from Leg. Affairs. And Joe... okay, well Joe is always obviously trying to get her into bed.

I pull my deck chair right up next to her and sit down facing her. I scratch her shoulder a bit with my fingertip and she props herself up. This was an error on my part. There’s a LOT of Donna cleavage showing right now.

“Just promise me, Donna, that you’ll stay far away from guys like Joe.” I say softly.

“Well, duh.” she says. “But, Josh, you said some guys are better at it than him.”

Shit. I did.


	5. Chronicles of Joshua, The

April 2000

I’m sitting in my office doing my usual weekly brood when Donna comes in. This is her nightly sweep. She’s walking around pulling all the files out of my office that I’m not expected to need and putting them away in that weird filing system of hers out there.

“Donna.” I say as she’s about to leave the office. She stops and looks over at me. I feel awful. She looks sad. It’s my fault. “I’m really sorry I snapped at you today.”

“It’s okay, Josh.” she nods.

“No, it’s not.” I reply. “I shouldn’t take bad moods out on you. That’s not what you’re paid to do.”

“I’m not paid to take your drunk ass in when you show up at my apartment at 3 a.m. either.” she says.

“True.”

“I’m not paid to do a lot of things, Josh.” she says softly. This is one of those cryptic comments where I think I know what she’s saying, but I’m not really sure. She lays the files on the desk and sits down in the visitor’s chair. “Was Mandy’s memo bad?” she asks quietly.

“We certainly could have done without it.” I reply.

“We still have time to change people’s minds.” She whispers.

“I suppose.” I shrug. I feel marginally better after Leo’s pep talk earlier, but unless something monumental happens, I’m not sure how that’s possible.

“You have to fight for what you think is right.” she continues. “If you don’t, what the hell are you doing here?”

“Fighting for re-election.” I drone.

“That’s not us.”

“It might be.”

“You won’t let it be.”

“I’m not in charge.”

“You’ll take me with you, right?” she asks suddenly.

“What?” I ask throughly confused.

“If you leave here.” she says. “You’ll take me with you, right? I don’t want to be here if you’re not here. You’re the only one that explains anything to me.”

I smile slowly. She’s earnest in her request. Most of the time, though I know it’s not true, Donna doesn’t even admit to liking me, much less begging me to take her with me.

“I’m not resigning, Donna.” I say with a soft smile.

“But, if you do,” she begins again. “you’re going to talk to me about it, right? I’m not going to find out the day you’re packing up your office.”

“You’ll know before they do.” I assure and she seems placated by that. She picks up the files again and rises. “Donna,” I say. “I really am sorry.”

She smiles and leaves my office.

She can read me well. All day, I’ve been wondering what the hell we’re doing here. All day, I’ve been wondering why I’m fighting so hard. The reason just left my office. I look at the empty doorway and I can hear her moving around outside. I pop out of my chair and move to my doorway to watch her.

“Do you need something?” she asks when she notices me.

“What are you doing?”

“I thought we were done. I was going to go home.”

“You don’t have plans?”

“It’s 10 o’clock at night.”

“It’s a Friday.” I shrug.

“I’ve been working late all week. I haven’t had time to make plans.” she laughs at me. She has been working late all week, and I feel really bad about that. She looks tired. “Why? Did you want to do something?”

“I didn’t really want to go out.”

“We could grab some beer and stay in.” she suggests. My chest feels lighter.

“That’s a good idea.” I smile.

“Why don’t I go home and get changed and meet you at your place.” she suggests. “You can stop and get the beer and stuff for us to eat.” She loves ordering me around. Strangely, it doesn’t bother me.

“Kay.”

I do as she’s told, and by the time I make it back to my place, she’s there already. She let herself in, and is cuddled up on my couch in sweat pants and a sweat shirt with her hair up in a ponytail. Upon further inspection, I see that the sweatshirt says Yale on it. There goes more of my clothes.

I slide everything into the fridge, hand her two beers and go to get changed. When I re-emerge, I’m in roughly the same attire. I drop down next to her and she hands me a bottle of beer. We clink bottle necks I take a long swallow. She drops her head on my shoulder and starts to channel surf.

I love moments like these with her. I love being unguarded. We can be us. I don’t know what us is. I mean, technically, we’re boss and assistant, but we’re friends, too. Though, I’m not like this with CJ. It’s getting harder and harder to define Donna. It’s supposed to be easy to do. It should be. But, everything’s getting blurry lately.

It doesn’t really bother me though because she and I seem to be on the same page. Confused. But on the same page there together nonetheless. I think we’re both trying to work out what it is we’re evolving into. It’s like...she’s not my assistant, she’s not my friend, she’s Donna. She’s all of that stuff.

I know. It’s confusing. Trust me. You don’t know half of what I feel.

I wrap my arm around her shoulders and her free hand falls lightly to my thigh. See why things get blurry? This is normal for us.

“I’m sorry you had a rough day.” she says, still focusing on the t.v. and taking a sip of her beer.

“I’m sorry you think I’m quitting over it.” I reply. “See if Bill Maher is on. We can make fun of the panel.”

She starts switching up in the channels and lands on HBO. It’s a commercial.

“Is Mandy going to get fired?” she asks.

“She’s definitely got less clout now, I think.” I reply.

“You don’t think she was just doing her job?”

“You’re defending her?” I ask incredulously. Donna hates Mandy, only because Mandy thinks I find it attractive when she’s mean to me. And Mandy’s always been jealous of Donna, so she’s just this side of professional with her. I feel her shrug against my shoulder. “She was doing her job.” I say. “But she should have turned that over to us when she started working for us. She should have told us about it. She played dirty pool.”

“Was she right?”

“Yeah. But that’s not the point. And she certainly didn’t tell us anything new.”

“Still. It’s tough to hear.” she says.

“Yeah. You know how I hate it when people say we’re beatable, especially those in our own party.”

“Are we?”

“What? Beatable?”

“Yeah.”

“We’re a bit vulnerable right now.” I admit, taking a sip of my beer. “But the real fight isn’t yet. And unless we colossally screw up, no one in our own party will mount a serious challenge to us.”

“Did Mandy want to beat us in two years then?”

“Yeah. Apparently.” I reply. “She was pretty pissed at us though when we didn’t bring her on with us when we won.”

“A lot of people didn’t get jobs when we won.”

“She thinks it was personal.”

“I don’t know.” Donna says. She turns her head a bit, and rests her chin on my shoulder. I can feel her breath on my ear. “It seems like she screws up more than she doesn’t.”

“Her job is image. When she gets too sucked into politics and tries to have a say in that, it blows up in her face.”

She drops her head back onto my shoulder. Half way through Bill Maher, she slides forward onto my chest. She’s out like a light.

I reposition myself lying down. You know, strictly so she could be more comfortable. I want to see the end of the show. They have an author from the Wall Street Journal on and he’s such an idiot.

I wake up several hours later, tangled up in Donna and feeling more relaxed than I have in months, possibly the last year. I switch off the t.v. and turn out the lamp near us, then pull the blanket off the back of the couch. I could wake her up and drive her home. I could even tuck her in here and go to my room.

I could do those things, but Donna spends all her time just out of my reach. Right now, she’s curled up against me. It’s been a long time since a woman has been this way with me. It’s a strain to conjure up who the last one was. Mandy wasn’t a cuddler. I drop a kiss on her forward and drift back off to sleep.


	6. Chronicles of Joshua, The

October 2000

Two months into my home exile and I’m ready to go out of my skull. Donna’s stupid rules are making me nuts. It’s mid-term season for crying out fucking loud. Of course, Leo frequently circumvents Donna, but everyone else is afraid to. Someone please explain to me how it’s possible to frighten Toby? I mean, the night of the shooting, I know he was scared. But how can one person scare him like Donna does?

How can anyone be afraid of Donna? She’s from Wisconsin.

However, by a complete and total stroke of luck, Donna’s at the White House and Toby had a meeting on the Hill that ran short, so he’s sneaking by. He said that it was really important to talk to me while Donna wasn’t around.

I hope he brings beer.

I pounce on the door as soon as I hear his knock and fling it open.

“How are you today?” he asks immediately crossing the threshold.

“All right, I guess. Going out of my fucking mind.” I confess.

“Blood pressure’s all right?” he asks. And I shrug in reply, but he continues to study me.

“What?”

“I have to tell you something that I think is going to upset you.” Toby says. “So, I just want to make sure you’re not, like, already having a bad day.”

“Okay, well, telling me that right off didn’t really help because now I want to know what’s going on, so I’ll just lie about my blood pressure anyway.”

“Yeah, I should have thought of that.”

“What’s going on that Donna couldn’t be here for it?” I ask. And where’s my beer?

“Well, it’s got to do with her.” he says slowly.

“Why? What happened?” I demand quickly taking a step towards him. Donna may have me on a short leash right now, but she’s integral to me.

“Nothing’s happened.” He assures me quickly, holding his hand up. “She’s fine.”

“Well, then what the hell is going on?”

“I just came from the Hill.” He says, gesturing for me to sit down but I wave him off and stand. I’m always freaking sitting down.

“Okay.” I say putting my hands in my pockets. They’re better off there. I have a feeling they’re going to make fists in a second.

“There’s a rumor going around over there that...” he starts, he widens his eyes and blows out a breath, and I can see just how much Toby doesn’t want to tell me this. “There’s a rumor that you and Donna are sleeping together.”

And I sit down.

I look up at him, and he’s eyeing me extremely cautiously.

“We’re not.” I say simply.

“I know.” he nods.

“I mean, we never have.”

“I know.”

“I want to be very clear about that.”

“Josh, you don’t have to explain yourself to me.”

“Yeah, I do, Toby. I know you’ve all wondered at one point or another.”

Well, there that is then. I’m not stupid. I’ve seen their occasional looks of wonder.

“Listen, Josh,” Toby says sitting down. “You and Donna seem to orbit around each other, and I don’t pretend to understand what I’m sure is an extremely complex relationship, but I do know that you would never do anything that would hurt her, and so I completely believe you when you say that.”

“Does everybody else?”

“The others do.”

“But those on the Hill actually think it’s true.” I conclude. When he doesn’t answer, I drop my head to my hands and rest my elbows on my knees and take a deep breath. I can’t let this get to me. If I do, she’ll know as soon as she walks through the door.

“Some of them.” he says glancing down. The ones that hate me. Steven Onorato and his cronnies, I’m sure.

“You’ve got to be careful, Josh.” Toby warns. “I know you two are close, but I don’t know that people aren’t watching you.”

“I’m sure they are.” I shrug.

“I just hate to see her hurt.” Toby says. “After the night of the shooting... I just don’t like to see her hurt.”

“YOU don’t like to see her hurt!” I laugh. “Who’s shoulder do you think she cries on when something goes wrong? Do you know how hard it is to hide pain from by pass surgery, Toby? It’s really freaking hard. But every time I had to grit my teeth against the pain, she cried. She cries at night. She’s not sleeping. I don’t know if she’s eating when she walks out that door, but she’s not eating here. She’s like the walking undead. The very second I try to get her to do something for herself, like sleep, I get lectured, it’s not my job, I should focus on getting better. She’s killing herself slowly and there’s not a fucking thing I can do about it, Toby.”

“I know.” he sighs. “We’ve all tried to get her to take a night off, take a day off, let us pitch in if you need something, and she just snaps at us. The other assistants have been watching her like a hawk, but we can’t make her do anything, Josh.”

I sigh forcefully and fall back into the cushions of the couch.

“I just wanted you to know what I heard.” Toby says, and because my timing now notoriously sucks, Donna walks in.

She takes one look at me and Toby and freaks.

“You broke the rules!” she accuses Toby pointing a finger. She’s using a tone of voice so forceful and absolute that now I know why everyone is cowering before her.

“I just got here.” he shrugs in a poor defense.

“You’re the only one who tries to circumvent the rules.” she continues to Toby. “Everyone else respects them, but you’re the only one who seems to think they don’t apply to you.” It’s inherently interesting to watch Toby take this from Donna. Toby doesn’t take this from anyone, except maybe the President, and given the fact that Toby is here trying to help her, it’s even more interesting.

“It was important, Donna.” I finally pipe up. She looks at me like I’m incapable of making that decision.

“What was so important?” she asks.

“I’ll tell you later.” I say, though I won’t. I’m never going to tell her what Toby told me tonight.

She arches an eyebrow at Toby for confirmation and he nods in agreement. “Really?” she asks him suspiciously.

“Have I ever lied to you before, Donna?” Toby quietly challenges, and I see Donna’s wall crumble.

“No.” she whispers, then turns to look at me. There’s tears in her eyes. I think I just figured out who told Donna that I got shot. There’s a lot that makes sense now.

She holds up a take out bag. “I brought cheesesteaks from Big Willie’s.” she says.

“Really?” I sit up immediately interested. She’s going to let me eat greasy food.

“I thought you deserved a reward.” she shrugs. “You’ve been working pretty hard. Do you want one, Toby? There’s three.”

“I will never pass up Big Willie’s.” Toby says shrugging out of his jacket and rolling up his sleeves.

“I got beer, too. How’s your blood pressure, Josh?” she asks from the kitchen. Shit. It’s probably high now.

“Um...okay.” I lie with a wince.

“You swear?” she calls from the kitchen.

“Yes.” I say, but I crossed my fingers!

She busies herself taking everything out of the bag while Toby rummages in the drawers for the bottle opener. I decide to make myself useful by taking out plates, but Donna waves me off. “We’re not that classy.” she says. “We’re going to drink the beer out of the bottles, so why keep any pretenses.”

I shrug at Toby and he unwraps the cheesesteaks keeping them on top of their foil. Donna really went all out, too. They’re loaded. Bacon, onions, whiz. They’re all drippy and greasy. She smiles at me as she sits down and takes a big bite out of one. I’m just happy to actually bear witness to her eating. A big glop of ketchup falls from her sandwich and she laughs while she tries to keep what she bit off in her mouth. I roll my eyes at her and shake my head, taking a swig of my beer. How can someone pervert something this sweet? How can someone look at her and see her like this and think that she just must be sleeping with me? Taking care of me these past couple of weeks isn’t her job, but she’s here anyway.

I don’t know what I’m going to do yet about what Toby told me tonight, but I’m going to fix our image.


	7. Chronicles of Joshua, The

November 2000

“All I’m saying,” Donna laughs picking up a piece of stromboli and popping it in her mouth. “Is you must have looked downright hysterical asking the President to pardon another turkey.”

“Yeah, not one of my shining moments in the Oval, that’s for sure.” CJ says taking a sip of her wine. “I still think I got screwed on the turkeys though.” She throws her glare over at me, Toby and Sam.

“We told you.” Toby says not taking his attention off the football game on t.v. “You weren’t there last year. It’s part of your job.”

“That’s no where in my job description.”

“Well, there’s a lot that’s not in my job description.” Donna says dryly. Everyone sort of looks around uncomfortably, but I actually know Donna was referring to other things, like me making her check my food to make sure my burger is burnt.

“Yes, but there’s a lot that IS in your job description that you blatantly ignore.” I smirk, pushing at her leg next to me with my foot.

“Oh, please.” she scoffs. “Name one thing I don’t do for you.”

“Bring me coffee.”

“I do to!”

“When you think I’m getting fired.” I shoot back.

“Well, it’s like comfort food then.” she smiles. The atmosphere around us relaxes a bit as CJ, Sam and Toby realize that what could have been a pretty serious and somber moment passed by.

“Which I’m not allowed to eat either.”

“Left to your own devices, Joshua, you’d eat nothing but crap.”

“That is patently false!” I deny. She looks at me knowingly. “All right, fine. But that’s precisely the kind of thing I rely on you for.”

“You know,” she says thoughtfully looking at me. The look on her face right now makes me think she’s going to say something profound. “I take that back. Left to your own devices, I think you might eat nothing at all. I think I have you trained that well.”

“I’m like Pavlov’s dog.” I smirk drinking my beer.

CJ is immensely enjoying my show of submissiveness to Donna. I snap at her a lot lately. I don’t know why. It’s not like she’s doing anything wrong. I’ve been making a conscious effort to be as nice to her as I possibly can. I owe her everything, quite frankly. But every now and then, I just get in this really angry mood, virtually out of nowhere, and it seems like she’s always taking the brunt of it.

When I first came back to work, other than the massive amount of shit I had to catch up on, it was like I never left. She and I were in sync, we were moving through the corridors at our usual pace, and she stopped babying me. I was surprised at how happy I actually was. Despite the revelations of Toby, I found myself more flirtatious with her. I’m serious; I’ll figure out a way to put her on a stamp! After what she did for me, it’s the least I could do.

But there are these moments....like a few weeks ago. She had a date the night I met with Matt Skinner. She was wearing this insane red dress. She looked so incredibly hot. It took me all night and one obnoxious insult to compliment her on it. You tell me. Why couldn’t I have just said, “Donna, you look amazing?” Because she was into another guy and I couldn’t stand it. I felt personally offended that she deemed me all better now and went off to get a life. I was suddenly feeling neglected. I didn’t need her to come back night. I didn’t ask her to do anything. I just wanted to be more important than that Gomer. I wanted to be the one she liked better. Then, she had a horrible night, and I was happy about it. I don’t understand what’s going on with me lately. When Donna has a bad date or a bad breakup, it’s up to me to pick her up. That’s what I do. Those are my hug moments, dammit!

Okay. I sounded a little like Sam there.

But I get so angry with her lately and I don’t know why. I hate it. I hate that I said that to her. She blew it off, but I felt awful.

It’s not just her though. I feel myself getting pissed at pretty much everybody lately. As much as I get annoyed by Donna’s presence, I seem to crave it more, too. I miss that she’s not constantly at my apartment anymore. I wake up from a nightmare, and I’m by myself. She’s not there to get up and watch t.v. with me when I can’t get back to sleep. I make her call me now in the morning to wake me up. I told her it’s because if I fall back asleep after laying awake for hours after a nightmare I might be too tired and sleep through my alarm, which is a legitimate fear, but it’s so I can hear her voice and get some of that contact back.

The conversation around us turns to Ainsley Hayes and the ribbing of Sam begins. Donna stands up and moves to the kitchen. We’re all at CJ’s for Thanksgiving dinner. I don’t know what CJ is doing with a kitchen like this. It’s not like she’s home anymore than the rest of us to actually cook in here. But then again, CJ definitely made the most money before we took these jobs, and it shows in this apartment.

Donna pulls another bottle of white wine out of the fridge, and I lean up against the archway to look at her. When she turns around she startles a bit at my presence.

“Geez!” she says, briefly putting her hand over her heart. “I didn’t even know you were there.”

“I’m getting stealthy.” I smile.

“You’re getting still.” she says grabbing the corkscrew off the counter.

“What’s that mean?”

“You do a lot of that.” she said waving her hand around at me before popping the cork off the wine.

“Do a lot of what?”

“Watching.” she says. “You don’t seem to mind just...watching.”

It’s watching her really, and I didn’t think she noticed quite frankly. For weeks, I was stuck in bed and she was my only entertainment, so I watched her. I’ve memorized how she moves, how she stretches, she uses her thumb and pointer finger to push the hair out of her face instead of her whole hand, how she chews her lip when she’s concentrating, the smooth contours of her face the angle where her neck meets her shoulder.

“I don’t.” I shrug cryptically. “Did you have a nice time tonight?”

“I did.” she smiles.

“You should have been able to go home to your family.” I say.

“I am home, Josh.” she smiles softly.

This is what Donna does. She hitches her cart to some guy’s star and makes him her world and she’s doing it with me, and what’s worse, is I know it, and I’m encouraging it. For a guy who’s trying to get people to stop thinking he’s sleeping with his assistant, this isn’t helping matters much.

But, I smile anyway.

“I would have thought you’d be sick of me by now.” I say dropping my head and looking up at her.

“Oh, Josh.” she says softly putting her hand gently on my forearm. “Don’t ever think that.” She pauses a minute and I look down at the floor in between us. “You’re what I’m most thankful for this year.”

The air is charged between us right now. In our entire relationship, I don’t think I’ve wanted to kiss her more than I do right now. She simply takes my breath away. I wrack my brain for something snarky to say to break this moment. It’s what I’m expected to do. But the only thing that’s coming is the ugly words I hurled at her the night of her date.

“You’re what I’m most thankful for, too.” I whisper back. She smiles brightly, then turns away quickly because I know she’s crying. She hides it by taking the time to rinse her glass before refilling it and I go back to watching her, smiling, because in this moment I know she likes me best.


	8. Chronicles of Joshua, The

December 24, 2000

I drop down onto Donna’s couch with a long sigh. I think this will go down in the history of my life as the longest day of it. I’ve never felt more drained or violated, and some of the stuff they did to me in the hospital was pretty violating.

Donna somehow knew I didn’t want to go to an ER tonight and took me to an Urgent Care. Well, given what I spent my day doing and my behavior lately, maybe it wasn’t such a big secret. So, now I have a newly bandaged and stitched hand.

She also seemed to know that I didn’t want to stay at my place tonight, so she grabbed my emergency bag from my office on the way out.

At least now I know why I’ve been such an asshole to her lately.

She moves around her apartment, strategically turning on some lights and leaving others off. I wonder if the stress I’ve caused her lately gave her any migraines. Causing her physical pain is another thought I could have done without.

She moves to the stereo and pulls out a CD. “Don’t.” I say quickly and she looks over at me in surprise.

“Do you have a headache?”

“No, it’s...”

She puts the CD away and takes a few steps towards me.

“The music, it....”

Why is this so hard to say out loud?

“You don’t have to tell me.” she says softly, sitting down next to me. But, I do. She deserves to know.

“The music makes me relive the shooting.” I finally blurt out.

“That’s what’s been happening?” she says after a long pause.

“Uh-huh.” I say looking down.

“You hear it in your head?”

“And I physically feel it.”

“Oh, Josh.” she says softly.

“Leo said you were the one that figured it out.” I finally look over at her, and where I thought I’d see pity, I see nothing but concern and compassion. You know, I don’t even know if Donna can feel pity.

“I didn’t know what to do.” she says softly. “You’re so angry all the time, and you’re just not that kind of a person...not to me.”

“I’m sorry.” I say, dropping my head back into the cushions and looking over at her.

“I know.” she nods. “I could see the confusion. You didn’t seem to know what was going on.”

“It’s post traumatic stress disorder.” I confess. “It didn’t sound like Leo was going to fire me --”

“Why the hell would Leo fire you?” she snaps out.

“Donna, I’m a ticking time bomb.”

“No, you’re not.”

“I blew up in the Oval Office.”

“That was before anyone knew what was wrong.” she insists. “Did Dr. Keyworth say he was going to recommend more therapy?”

“Yes.”

“They’ll probably prescribe something for you.”

“I don’t want to be medicated.” I groan. “I don’t want this to be what’s wrong with me.”

“Nobody does.” she says. She raises her hand and stops just sort of my head, unsure whether or not to touch me. I close my eyes briefly and a second later, feel the gentle stroke of her fingers. It’s been months since she’s touched me like this. I really miss it. She gently tugs me in her direction and I fall down into her lap with my eyes closed, trying to concentrate solely on her touch.

“You weren’t going to go see your parents for Christmas?”

“I never booked a ticket.”

“Because I’m a basketcase?”

“Yes.” she says simply. My eyes fly open and I look up at her smiling face.

“Donna!”

“It was your word!”

“You didn’t have to agree with it!”

“I was just being supportive of you; that’s my job.”

“You pick NOW to start with that?”

“Well, you know, when the chips are down...”

“You mock my pain.”

“Never.” she says softly.

“I put my hand through a window.” I say closing my eyes again.

“Yeah.” she replies. Her free hand gently takes my injured one and entwines our fingers.

“What if that was a person, Donna?” I open my eyes and look up at her. “What if...”

“Why did you put your hand through a window?”

“I thought I could stop the pain in my head by redirecting it somewhere else.”

“It’s yourself you wanted to hurt, Josh, not someone else.”

I roll to my side and close my eyes again. It’s Christmas Eve, and I’m laying here in Donna’s lap when she should be on a plane to Wisconsin. She made the decision months ago not to go; probably in August. I think this is more than she bargained for when she took the job. Then again, I think I got more than I bargained for when I gave it to her.

I think back to our first meeting. I’ve played that bizarre conversation over and over again, trying to figure out what it was that made me hire her; what it was that let myself be talked into it. It’s my job to not be a push over. It’s my job to be the tough one to convince. She took no convincing on her part.

She’s never let me down. Upon occasion, she’s screwed up. It’s rare, but it has been known to happen. She’s as scared to disappoint me as I am her. We’re getting harder and harder to define. I know I promised myself that I’d do something to change perception of us, but I haven’t been strong enough to do it. I need her too much right now. Maybe once I’m on an even keel again.

I will make this promise though. I will never yell at her again the way I have been these last few weeks. She’s protected me left and right, and I need to step back up there. She’s given all I’ll allow her to. It’s her turn to hide in the corner and regroup and it’s time for me to go back and be the man she expects me to be.


	9. Chronicles of Joshua, The

January 2001

You know, in case I wasn’t confused enough about things with Donna, the past 24 hours have not helped. She has been practically obsessive over getting me to ask Joey out. Joey’s attractive, she’s intelligent, she’s funny, and she lives in California.

Where it’s hot.

I think we all know how I feel about that.

All night, she’s been hell bent on pairing me off with Joey. She’s worse than my mother. Maybe she’s on my mother’s payroll now. It could be. My mom’s very fond of Donna. She met her after the shooting. Of course, Donna’s a very likeable person. She always says she’s not, it’s just that I like everybody, but that’s not true. I don’t like anybody.

When I asked her why she was so gung ho about me and Joey, she gave me some line about marriage and monogrammed towels. I don’t even know what the hell that means.

And why is she pushing me toward any woman? Have I EVER encouraged her to go out with anyone? In fact, I have always sabotaged her dates when I knew about them. So, why doesn’t she get jealous?

Could it be that I have totally misread her? Could it be that the attraction is not, in fact, mutual and she’s gently trying to tell me that? I don’t understand what’s happening here. She said I was missing Joey’s signs, but now I’m wondering if I missed Donna’s all along.

Of course, asking Joey out and being seen out someplace very public with Joey will help with the rumors. But Joey’s only here until the poll is done.

I should find out my therapist’s take on all this. Maybe he’s got some insight into this. Sam didn’t seem to make anything of it. But, then again, asking either CJ, Sam or Toby is probably a bad idea. I don’t want them to think that I want something to happen with Donna.

I can’t possibly have read her wrong.

Donna said I randomly tumble into a girl sideways and then hope she breaks up with me. I wouldn’t call my past dating history random, but she’s right about the hoping the girl breaks up with me bit. I don’t know why that happens. I guess when I lose interest I don’t want to be asked why I don’t want to see a girl anymore. How good would she feel if she heard, “I’m just not that into you anymore?” That’s a shitty thing to say, right? I’d rather be known as a crappy boyfriend. It goes with the image of being a political bad ass.

She comes into my office with Joey and Kenny. Finally, the freaking numbers are here and I can have something else to think about. Joey hands the breakdown to me and there’s no good news here.

“Son of a bitch.” I sigh.

“What's wrong?” Donna asks.

“A five day waiting period, that's all. A person can't wait five days to buy a gun? If someone needs a gun right now, right this second, isn't that something the public should be concerned about?” I know I’m quite concerned about that, considering the gun that shot me was probably bought in haste and pretty illegally.

“On the other hand, taking the feelings of gun owners into account, if you've got to shoot somebody it probably isn't something that can wait.” What? What was that? How was that designed to make me feel better?

“Yeah.”

“You mind if I take off?”

“What time is it?”

“Two a.m.” And she looks like it’s 2 a.m., too.

“All right, we'll call it a full day. But come in early tomorrow.” Joke...except only kinda.

“Yeah.” she says, intentionally taking it as a joke. But the thing is, I’ll probably see her around 7:30 regardless.

“You all right getting home?”

“Yeah. Good night, guys.” Damn, I was kind of hoping she wanted a ride. Maybe I should insist on it. No. This is the kind of thing I’ve got to stop if I have any hope on changing people’s opinion of us, and insisting in front of Joey and Kenny that I take her home is probably how these rumors get started anyway.

“They're just preliminary numbers.” Kenny says, interpreting for Joey.

“They're not going to change.”

“No.” It’s rarely positive when Joey feels the need to use her own voice.

“A five day waiting period.”

“It tested well nationwide.” Kenny goes back to speaking.

“Yeah.”

“58 per cent.”

“I didn't need nationwide, I needed those five districts. Now, we're going to have to dial down the gun rhetoric in the Midwest.”

“Why not dial it up?” Joey asks herself.

“Because these numbers just told us --”

“You don't know what these numbers just told you. I'm an expert--I don't know what these numbers just told you.” Kenny picks up.

“We know.” We get paid to know. We’re not here because we’re stupid.

“Really?” Joey asks. Apparently, she doesn’t agree.

“Numbers don't lie.”

“They lie all the time. They lie when 72 per cent of Americans say they're tired of a sex scandal, while all the while, newspaper circulation goes through the roof for anyone featuring the story.” Kenny says. “If you polled one hundred Donnas and asked them if they think we should go out, you'd get a high positive response. But the poll wouldn't tell you it's because she likes you and she's knows it's beginning to show, and she needs to cover herself with misdirection.”

“Believe me when I tell you that's not true.” Except, that makes a lot of sense now. And if Joey’s noticed it, other people have probably noticed it.

She goes on for a little while longer before she says good night, but I’m stuck on what she said about Donna.

I’ll be damned. Could it actually be that Donna’s got the same idea I do? I mean, I guess her reasons are a little different, but she thinks us dating other people will disband any notions that we’re attracted to each other?

I get the feeling that she’s trying to establish some boundaries. I guess maybe we need them, but I really liked not having any...well, none but that real big one anyway. It’s depressing to think that Donna thinks they’re a good idea.

It’s not like they’re doing any harm though, right? I mean, Donna and I can’t get together anyway. She obviously still wants to work with me and doesn’t want to jeopardize that, so I guess that’s something. But still, I liked us. I like the way we are. I want to maintain the status quo. If I date, she’ll date, and what if she picks slimy Joe from Advance?

There’s got to be another way.


	10. Chronicles of Joshua, The

April 2001

The President’s got M.S. Toby found out the night before the Correspondence Dinner. I was wondering why he was holed up in the Oval all night. I didn’t spend too much time thinking about it because I spent most of the night playing with Donna. Yes, it was playing. She was pissed at me, but I was just so impressed with myself I wouldn’t let it bug me.

I wish she had told me that night in my office what really had happened. At least then I could have kicked the guy’s ass while we were in Wisconsin. Now? Well, I really like Donna, but we don’t really pay all that much attention to Wisconsin. Still, I don’t know why she thought she couldn’t tell me the truth.

It was strange tonight. Leo came to my office to get me. I was talking to Toby at the time, and Leo came in and said, “Josh, come to talk to the President.” I didn’t think anything of it at the time, but right as I was walking out, Toby said, “Josh, I’ll be in my office when you’re done.” I assumed he wanted to continue our conversation.

In a thousand years, I never thought the President was going to hit me with that bomb shell.

M.S.

What sucks, what truly sucks, is I don’t know anything about it. I know it’s degenerative and people eventually die from it, and I’m not even positive about that information. Not very comforting right about now, but I can’t ask Donna to research it for me. I could do it on my own, but it won’t be near as thorough.

I bit my tongue in the Oval Office. Leo knew though. It’s always worse when I don’t say anything at all. The President asked me if I had any questions and I nearly chocked.

Do I have any questions? Yeah, I got a question.

Where the hell was this information three God damn years ago?

But instead of exploding, I kept myself in check and thanked him for his time.

Donna would be very proud of the way I didn’t cut loose. That is, she would be if I was able to tell her. Sooner or later, I’m going to have to tell her. But right now, I just can’t disillusion her like that. She really believes in the President, and she’s going to be so disappointed.

All I could think of as I walked from the Oval Office to Toby’s office was, I left John Hoynes for this guy? Hoynes is no saint, but at least he was up front about his secrets!

I was anything but calm when I slammed into Toby’s office. He knew it was coming. He closed the door, and sat at his desk while I kicked things, ranted, and even punched the door. I told him I was going to resign. I told him this was bull shit, and I wouldn’t be part of making this kind of history. He calmly told me that he wouldn’t blame me, he had thought the same thing, but it wouldn’t matter anyway because I’ll still get subpoenaed, and if I resigned it would look like I was taking the fall.

Shit, he was right.

It would look like I was taking the fall. I was effectively backed into a corner, and I hate that. I really hate that feeling. I don’t like being forced to act. The day might come when I do have to fall on the sword, but it’s not going to be for this.

He didn’t even apologize. He didn’t even say, “Sorry, I blew the play, Josh.”

If he doesn’t win re-election, we’re all finished. Who’s going to hire the team that got a liar elected? Not anybody I’d want to actually work with.

And what’s Donna going to do? She told me the other night if I was in an accident, she wouldn’t stop for red lights. What about if I sink her career? What if she doesn’t believe me when I tell her I didn’t know?

She comes in my office and I drop my gaze. I can’t look her in the eye. She knows something’s wrong. She sits down in the visitor’s chair and sighs heavily. “Would you like me to get you some coffee?”

I bite back my immediate response of, “It’s the President that needs the coffee,” and simply reply, “I’m not going to get fired.”

“You’re very frustrated lately.”

“Yeah.”

“Should I call Stanley?”

“No, it’s not that.”

“Is it me?”

God, no!

“I mean, you’d tell me if I was doing something wrong, right?”

“Do you have a confession of some kind to make?” I smirk. “Have you been stealing office supplies again? Using your White House I.D. to get out of parking tickets?”

“I’ve turned to a life of crime.” She deadpans. Well, that was apropos actually.

“It’s not you, Donna.” I say softly. Stuff with her doesn’t make any more sense to me than it did before, but at least it’s not this fucked up.

“Will you ever tell me?”

“When I can.” I assure.

She nods and stands up. “I’m going to go work on that Family Wellness stuff.”

She’s been all over this autism stuff. I was so proud of her that night, and very surprised to discover she actually listens to what she’s termed my addle-minded ramblings. It’s just another glaring example of how compassionate she is. She looks for the things I don’t. I saw a bill about to tumble and she saw a grandfather fighting for his grandson. It makes me wonder what she’ll think when she finds out the President’s sick.

“Josh?”she asks turning around when she gets to the door. “Would you do something for me?”

Anything.

“What’s that?”

“If it doesn’t require you to actually be in the building, will you leave early and go home and sleep?” Not likely.

“Okay.” I say anyway.

“Josh.” she says with a little more warning. “Do I have to actually come over there and check on you?”

“Would you come tuck me in, Donna?” I smile. “Maybe bring some of your equipment.”

“Pig.” she smiles before leaving my office.

Donna and equipment. That’s a combination that’ll give me a heart attack for sure. I’m not sure my gymnastic like sex qualities can compare to equipment and a Catholic School uniform. Okay. I just made the image worse.

As soon as she’s out of my office, my smile falls. It seems she’s the only thing that makes me smile lately.


	11. Chronicles of Joshua, The

May 2001

Donna found out about the M.S. It should have been me that told her. It really should have. But, it’s actually better that it was one of the others. By one of the others letting her in on such a big secret and them seeing I hadn’t already, it solidifies that though Donna and I are quite obviously close, I don’t tell her things I’m not supposed to. I often want to, but I don’t. And the reason why I want to is because Donna often makes me think outside the box, it actually has nothing to do with our friendship.

The thing is, she’s the only one on the assistant’s level that does know. So, CJ, Sam, Toby, and Leo have been abusing her left and right needing help with stuff, then there’s me and tobacco and, you know, her normal job.

Donna said that she can tell the other assistants know something’s up and that she’s inside. The fact that Toby chose Donna to be the one on the inside is a big deal. Our assistants were chosen extremely carefully. True, Donna got her job on the campaign in an unconventional way, but in order to advance to the position of my assistant in the White House, she had to possess specific qualities.

This job is more than having a college degree. The outside world may not understand that, but there’s a whole package to be considered. Each of the senior assistants were literally scrutinized over by me and Leo. In fact, Carol and Ginger were not CJ and Toby’s assistants on the campaign. Each senior assistant possesses the ability to be not only incredibly discreet, but also to see the things going on around them that no one’s supposed to see. This is good and bad. It’s good when they do it for outsiders, but it’s bad when they can see something’s going on here.

Donna in particular took more scrutiny than the others, well, by Leo really. I just mostly sat there practically biting my nails and hoping he let me keep her. Just due to the sensitive nature of my job and how closely I work with Leo, Donna’s bound to see things that not only do the other assistants not have clearance for, but sometimes, even the senior staff doesn’t have clearance for. So, it’s imperative that Donna more so than the others be required to be held to a higher standard. Toby, I’m sure, suspects that, which is why he chose her to begin with.

I know they gossip, and Donna and Margaret talk about things WAY more than they’re supposed to, but the assistants really do know when not to ask. Donna said not a single one of them asked what was going on, but they’re all giving her “the look.” I don’t get it, but Donna says there’s a lot conveyed in the look. It says something along they lines of, “Hey, we sympathize that something’s going that we can’t know yet, but if we can help at all without knowing, let us know.” I don’t get it, but Donna does, so I guess that’s important.

Discretion is something that Donna takes very seriously. She has a very uncanny ability to distinguish between something she absolutely can’t know and something that I can get away with telling her a little bit about. It’s that observation skill I mentioned. She can read my mood like it’s her favorite book. She’s got my mannerisms down to perfection. I can’t get anything by her. If you need an example, just look at Christmas. If I so much as blink out of my normal timing, she’s got me. This is both good and very, very bad. When she told me she was tuned to me, that’s no joke.

But, now she looks like she’s about to drop. I think it’s very possible that she’s gotten less sleep than I have. She has to be five assistants in one and she’s meticulous in her work. She looks tired as she moves around my office at 2:30 in the morning for the fourth straight night in a row. She’s being powered on some high octane stuff because she was here before me this morning, too.

“Donna.” I say quietly. When she looks over at me, I can see her eyes are blood shot. “Please go downstairs and sleep.”

“I sleep when you sleep, Josh.”

“You’re not sleeping.” I say.

“Sure I am.”

She conveniently forgets that I know what she looks like when she’s not getting any sleep. Her bedside vigil in the fall proved that. And there were nights at my apartment that I could feel her watching me late at night when she thought I was sleeping. I never busted her because given the frequency of these nocturnal observations, it seemed like it was important time to her, but I know what she looks like when she’s nearing exhaustion.

“All right.” I say throwing down my pen and locking up the stuff I was working on. “I’m done. Let’s go downstairs.”

“What?”

“The couches. Let’s go.” I say.

“I -- I think Sam’s on one.” she stammers.

“Then we’ll bunk up on the other one.” I say. “It’s not like we’ve never done that before.” Donna and I crossed that particular line a long time ago when twice during the campaign, while traveling without the others, we ended up having to not only share a room, but a room with one bed. When you’re really, really tired, like we are right now, you’re too tired to one, think of the appropriateness of it; and two, even think that something inappropriate might come from it.

Though, I have to say that lately, my brain has been firing on more cylinders there. Her whole red lights comment a few weeks ago was really bold. I think that whole conversation pretty much summed up who we are. We’re really hard to define sometimes.

On the surface, we’re easy enough, but as they say, peel an onion, it’s got lots of layers. That’s really the best way I can explain us.

I show I’m serious about ending the night by locking up my wallet and removing my tie. Then I grab our bags from the corner. “We’ll change in the locker rooms first.” I say, slinging them over my shoulder and looking at her expectantly. She sighs and leaves the office before me. Donna’s not programmed for me taking care of her, especially so soon after taking care of me was literally her life.

I hand off her bag to her as we reach the locker rooms. When she reemerges, she’s dressed much more comfortably and she’s actually yawning.

I give the agent outside the door the secret password and quietly lead Donna inside. Sam is already sound asleep on the couch next to the conference table, so Donna and I head over to the one in the corner. She drops down onto it with an unladylike thud and I crawl on in front of her. She curls up onto my side and drops her head onto my shoulder.

“Night, Joshua.” she whispers.

“Night, Donnatella.” I reply softly.

She’s asleep nearly instantly, but I actually force myself to stay awake a little longer. I can count on one hand the moments Donna and I have had like this, moments that almost make me think that we actually are a couple and it’s just that no one’s told us yet. There are many layers to our onion, and this one is by far my favorite.


	12. Chronicles of Joshua, The

October 2001

I gotta think. I gotta think. I gotta think. I’m so angry at her right now, I can barely keep myself in check. She saw it, too.

And I let her down. I let her down in so many ways. I swore to myself I wouldn’t yell at her again. I swore to myself that I wouldn’t treat her that way.

A fucking Republican on Oversight!?

She told me at the time she didn’t know. I believed her. I still believe her.

I just need to take a couple of deep breaths.

I gotta think. I gotta stop picturing them together.

I pick up a coffee mug off my desk and hurl it against the wall. She probably heard that.

If she’s not crying in the bathroom right now.

She looked barely restrained. How could she DO this to us? This is the exact shit they’re looking for. I doubt there’s anything in there about the M.S. Toby said she was fairly shocked to hear the news. I find it very hard to believe the First Family would confide that in Donna and not in Mrs. Landingham.

Why wouldn’t she want it turned over? Yeah, all right, it’s probably embarrassing, but still...

A fucking Republican!

It’s not even so much that, as it is one that’s on House Government and Oversight. Before he was just some guy I was fighting with on Ways and Means.

I thought we were in this together, she and I. I thought....

Oh. Lord.

Oh God, she’s deeper than I thought she was. I have a sinking, sinking feeling I know why she lied about the diary. If she keeps a diary diligently, then there’s a good chance....

I go to the door and open it up. She’s at her desk staring off into space.

“Donna.” I say quietly. She looks over at me immediately and she stands up, taking a few hurried steps toward me. The disappointment in herself that I saw a few minutes ago is gone and there’s raw concern on her face now. She heard the mug shatter against the wall. Yeah, I know what’s in that diary. I nod my head indicating she should come into my office. She hasn’t even taken her coat off yet.

She closes the door and stands in front of me looking at the floor. She’s so ashamed of herself right now. I’ve never seen her this way.

I rub a hand down my face and force my voice to remain calm. “Is there anything about the M.S. in there?”

“No.” she says quietly.

“What IS in there, Donna?”

Her eyes drift over to the mug on the floor and then back at her feet and she shrugs.

God dammit.

“Why, Donna? Why didn’t you tell them about it?” All the fight has just deflated out of me.

Her eyes flicker to mine and then she looks away. “You know why.” she whispers.

I could kill her right now. I could shake her. I could kiss her.

How many times have I told her? How many times have I told her, I go up the river for the President, SHE doesn’t do it for me? God, I’m like a broken record about it! And now, I’ve got to be stuck with this, too, because if I let myself be exposed to “do the right thing,” she’s still on the hook for perjury, and she knows I’ll never let that happen. How it is that I’m not going to let that happen, I don’t know.

I drop my head, put my hands on my hips and start to walk around in front of her in a small circle. I gotta get us out of this I’ve got to get HER out of this. God, if I wasn’t so fucked up, she wouldn’t be in this position to begin with. She wouldn’t have to experience the things she does.

I stop and pick my head up to her. “Is there anything about him in there?” God, I didn’t mean the ‘him’ to sound so condescending. She can date whoever she wants; she can sleep with whoever she wants. I’d rather that wasn’t the case, but....

“Yes.” It’s so quiet, I barely even heard it.

“I need it.” I say simply. I just figured out how to get us out of this. “You can copy it and seal it in an envelope. I don’t actually need to read it. But, I need to have it. We’re going to let him read it, Donna.”

Her eyes well up with tears and she nods.

“If he was a good enough person to stop seeing you because of the conflict, and come to you tonight about it and not bust you in front of the committee, he’ll be good enough to read it and drop it.” I say.

“You should read it, too.”

“What?” I didn’t hear what she said because she said it to the floor.

“If he’s going to know; you should know, too.”

“I don’t need to know.” I say quickly, mainly because I already do know.

“You should know.” she tries again.

“Don’t do this.” I say quietly.

“I’ll go home and get it.” she nods and turns away.

“I need his cell phone number, Donna.” She nods again and disappears, returning briefly with a phone number on a post it.

Cliff is surprisingly amenable to a meeting. He told me he was going to call me and suggest the same thing. We set up a meeting place and I wait for Donna. I slide my arms across my desk and drop my head down. I’m overwhelmed right now with the idea of taking Donna and running away to Canada. I don’t know how long I stay this way, but I’m in this position when she returns from her apartment. She doesn’t say a word, but when I hear her walk in, I lift my head. She wordlessly hands me an unmarked envelope and I drop it into my bottom desk draw and lock it. I’ll take it home with me tonight and lock it up there.

“We got to go.” I say looking at my watch. She nods and walks out of my office ahead of me.

Believe it or not, I hate when Donna doesn’t talk. That probably surprises you considering I’m constantly making fun of the things she says, but Donna’s constant chatter is soothing to me. I can withdraw into myself when I need to and her talking is like white noise. When it’s gone, there’s silence, and I’ve come to desperately hate silence.

When I see Cliff by the fountain, I stand up and walk over to him. The last thing I want for Donna is for her to talk to this guy. I stand directly in front of Cliff and block his view of her. I briefly considered not bringing her, but she wouldn’t have stood for it because we really ARE in this together and she sees it as her fault that we’re here tonight, when really, it’s mine.

“It’s getting cold already.” I say as I walk back to her side. She’s staring off into space again, and I’m desperate for some kind of contact with her. I put my arm around her and she closes her eyes. “It’s going to be fine.” I promise her. Because if it’s not fine, I’m sending her to Canada. Or maybe to my mother.

“Joshua, I want to resign.”

My heart stops beating and all the breath flows out of me.

“What?”

“God, Josh, I can’t take the disappointment I see in your eyes when you look at me.” she cries, looking down at the ground. “And I can’t forgive myself for how I’ve let you down.”

“No.” I say simply. I will not EVEN entertain this.

“Excuse me?”

“I won’t accept it.”

“Then I’ll give it to Leo.”

“You promised me.” I say forcefully and she finally looks at me.

“That’s not fair.” she hisses.

“You’re right, it’s not. But I’m saying it anyway.” I shoot back. When I was in the hospital and in one of my weaker moments, she promised me she wouldn’t leave me. The next day, I started busting my ass in physical therapy. I don’t ask questions I already know the answers to.

“I won’t do this to you.” she insists, shaking her head and looking away.

“I did this to us, Donna.” I reply. “We’re here because of me.” When she doesn’t answer, I press her. “Aren’t we?”

“Read it and find out.” she retorts. That was a good one. 

“No, that’s the answer I need.”

“Josh...” she pleads again.

“I’m not fighting with you about it, Donna.” I say with finality.

I know that Donna is going to eventually outgrow her job. She’s too smart to remain in her job until the administration’s over (Of course, it just may be over next year). I know that professionally, I’m going to lose her one day anyway. I don’t want to, and I’ll fight for her, but I’ll lose her anyway.

But if she left like this, I’d probably lose her personally, too. I seriously don’t think I’d survive that. Next to my mother, she’s the only one that puts up with me. And it’s not because she’s paid to. She’s not paid to lie to Congress for me....okay, she is, but not to commit actual perjury. That’s what I mean.

I raise my hand to her shoulder and rub gently. She drops her head onto my shoulder. When I squeeze her shoulder tighter, she wraps both her arms around me and then we’re hugging tightly. I wonder if Calley can see us.

I broke my promise to myself tonight never to yell at her again, but I kept my promise to myself to always protect her.


	13. Chronicles of Joshua, The

November 2001

I tilt my head and look at Amy. She appeals to me. She appeals to me because she’s not Donna. She’s not Donna, which means she’s not complicated. She’s just a woman with similar interests to mine and, you know, pretty hot.

I wouldn’t have to worry about falling in love with her. You can’t be in love with two women. Right? God, I hope not.

“What’s with guys like me?”

“If this thing went five minutes longer than you wanted it to, you’d run for the hills. You’re hit and run, Josh.”

“That’s not true.” Except, I do have that track record. I mean, Donna’s pointed out the same thing to me many a time. “Excuse me.”

My cell phone rings and Donna’s cell phone scrolls across the screen.

“Hello.”

“Josh, it’s me.” Donna says.

“Donna, I’m kind of the middle of something...”

“Cliff Calley just called me on my White House number.” she says quickly.

“What are you doing talking to --” I mean, what the hell!? What the hell is she doing talking to him!? Has she learned nothing?

Of all fucking guys for her to bring up....

“He asked me to meet him at the GW law library.” What the fuck!? “He wants to set up a phone conversation with you right away. He wouldn’t tell me anything more than he’s trying to help Leo. I think he’s the one that got the hearing adjourned.”

Why do I get the feeling that by the time this night is done, I’m going to end up owing Cliff Calley a favor?

“Okay, tell him yeah.” I snap my cell phone shut and look over at Amy. “I have to go.”

“Yes, indeed.” she says. I know that look. I’ve gotten it before when Donna’s called and I’ve had to leave a date, not that this is actually a date.

“I’m sorry. I -- I can’t explain. I have to go.” I throw money on the table and quickly walk out.

And my personal life takes a beating once again for my job. Sometimes I wonder if there’s a higher power at work here. It sounds bizarre and probably a little deluded, but you have to look at the events that have happened in my life here. On the campaign, Mandy wanted to get back together, so I did. Then I met Donna and everything turned to shit there.

Something was going on with Joey Lucas last year. I’m not sure what, but there was flirtation going on for sure. I don’t know how interested I was, but there was Joey, Mandy was also getting a little more aggressive in her pursuit of me, I step out into a hail of bullets, and then spend the next three months with Donna.

Tonight, here I am again trying to start some kind of relationship with a woman and Donna pulls me away. Not that I think that Donna herself has anything to do with any of these events, but could it be that some higher power is looking down and saying, “No you idiot! Again, that woman isn’t Donna!”

It’s not that I’m blind to the attraction I have to Donna or Donna obviously has to me. I’m not. I have two eyes in my head and though I may not be the best at the actual relationship part, I can tell when a woman is attracted to me.

But, I’m not willing to give her up yet. I know that doesn’t make much sense because you’d think I’d say something like I’m not willing to give up on her yet, but I meant it that way. If Donna and I started a relationship and it got fucked up, I’d lose her completely, and I’m not ready to deal with the consequences of that yet. I’m not willing to not have her in my life.

I know what you’re thinking, you’re thinking, “You idiot. You could marry her. It could be wonderful.”It could be. But I’m also not ready for that either. Well, it’s not so much that I’M not ready as my career isn’t conducive to that. I’m not sure Leo would let Donna and I keep working together, I kind of tend to think he would, but if he doesn’t, I’m at the White House 14 hours a day. What the hell kind of husband or boyfriend could I possibly be?

My cell phone rings and it’s Calley. He tells me about the deal that was offered to Leo and Leo, quite adamantly, turned it down. I make no commitment at all. I just say thank you and tell him I’ll get back to him. His very voice is like nails on a chalkboard to me, so I don’t want the conversation to go any longer than it needed to. I’m sure he wasn’t looking for some drawn out negotiation anyway. The deal is what the deal is.

But what I hate, what I absolutely abhor, is that I had to take that call. We share a dirty little secret and it seems like it’s time to pay up. But I push that from my mind.

Many people win in this scenario being offered by Congress, though they’re not completely aware of it. Leo, for one because he’s spared embarrassment; me, because I haven’t testified yet and I don’t have to be put in the position of being grilled on post-traumatic stress disorder, or asked questions about Donna in their attempt to try to paint an elicit picture, which would only end up with me in contempt. Not that anyone knows about the PTSD, but I’m sure since this committee hates my breathing guts that they’ll try to get into the shooting with me. I mean, it’s the kind of thing I might do. More importantly, to me anyway, is that the threat of someone finding out what transpired between me, Donna, and Calley is gone.

I know that I shouldn’t put Donna above the administration. I should never put her above the President, but I’ve been terrified that somehow this is going to come back. What if Cliff took notes, or made a copy of the diary in the coffee shop? I can handle me being exposed, but Donna going to prison is not something I can let happen.

I make my way quickly to the White House and I’m surprised to see Donna at her desk. She casts me an apprehensive look, trying to get a read on the situation I’m sure.

“Where’s Leo?” I simply ask.

“He was down in the mess a little while ago.” she replies, and I walk right by her without even dropping my coat in my office.

Sure enough, Leo’s still down there.

“Leo?”

“Yeah.”

“What are you doing down here?”

“Change of scenery. What are you doing?”

“Well, I'd like to talk to you about the deal they're offering.”

“Please, keep your voice down.”

“There's nobody here, and my voice is down.” We actually DON’T have an all night pastry chef, though that was pretty brilliant improvising on Sam’s part.

“Who have you been talking to?”

“Cliff Calley.”

“How did you get hooked up with Calley?” No, I don’t think I’m going to tell him the answer to THAT question.

“Doesn't matter.”

“It does matter.”

“I'm not pushing you, okay? I just want to hear your reasons.” Misdirection, let’s move on, please. I think he knows. I’m sure he gets the transcripts to the depositions of the people that have testified. Calley would have put his past relationship with Donna on the record, I’m sure.

“What are your reasons?”

“Gets it over and done instead of dragging it through the primary season. Moreover, you don't take the stand on Monday.” Several people are saved a scandal....

“It's ridiculous to think that this would end it. All it means is that we go down in history.”

“It's a press release.”

“When the British Ambassador told the German Foreign Minister that they were going to war over Belgium's violation of the neutrality treaty the German Foreign Minister said "You're going to war over a piece of paper?"”

“Leo...”

“It is an historical judgment. Andrew Jackson knew that.”

“Jackson was censured?” This is what happens when I don’t have Donna research stuff for me ahead of time. I should have known that going into this conversation.

“Over the Bank of the U.S.”

“Guess what. I didn't know that.”

“What's your point?”

“History forgets these things.”

“Presidents don't. They never get over it. This one won't. He'd act like it's fine, but...he'd never get over it. So... that's my reason.”

“All right.”

“You're going home?”

“Yeah. Sure.” I say. Except I’m headed up to the Oval Office first.

“Have a good night.”

“You, too.”

I head right to the Oval Office and tell the President the deal they’re offering. He asks my opinion and I tell him the same thing I told Leo, but he knows my real reasons, or the one concerning Leo anyway, and I can see that he’s willing to seriously consider it. Plus, I think if CJ, Toby and Sam were in here right now, they’d stand with me on this, but they’re not entirely on the inside on this. They don’t know what me and the President know.

“Leo’s going to be pissed as hell you brought this to me.” the President smirks.

“I’m sure I’ll survive.” I say moving back to the door.

I head back to the bullpen where Donna is waiting for me. “You just come from the Oval?” she asks standing up.

“Yeah.” I say quietly.

It’s on the tip of her tongue, I can see it. She desperately wants to ask me, and like usual, I desperately want to tell her. “Go home.” I say, even though I can see she was already ready. She was just waiting for me. “I’ll walk you out.”

As soon as she’s together, we head out of the White House. It’s snowing again. It adds some peace to the quiet that’s between us. I smile as I think how much I want to tell her that I stood in front of the train for her again tonight. I want her to know that I do these things for her, but, it’s just another thing in a long line that I have to keep to myself.

“Good night, Josh.” she says softly as we get to the point where we have to go our separate ways. She smiles at me, and it warms me up in the snow. Another secret we have.

I slowly make my way home, thinking about the events of the evening. My job is many things, but boring is not one of them. When I’m a few buildings away from mine, I see Amy. She doesn’t notice that I see her yet. I’m surprised to see her here, quite frankly. I honestly didn’t think she wanted to be bothered.

I look at her for a second. She’s not Donna. She’s the exact opposite of Donna, as a matter of fact. Physically, personality wise, professionally; other than the fact that they’re women and they live in Washington, they’ve got absolutely nothing in common.

Amy’s not Donna. She won’t be as complicated as Donna. And what’s more, Washington will see that she’s not Donna. It’s my final thought before I finally make my presence known.


	14. Chronicles of Joshua, The

March 2002

Amy and I are sitting in my living room. I brought home a bunch of work with me because I really wasn’t expecting to see her tonight, but she showed up. She’s got her lap top open and she’s working on a speech. Or she was anyway. She’s stopped working and she’s wandering around my apartment now, studying things more closely than she usually does.

“You know, my apartment’s a little bigger.” she says.

“Uh-huh.”

“I’m just saying, maybe you should move in there with me.”

Everything in my body suddenly turned cold. Move in together? What the hell would I do that for? I look up at her and try to hide my mortification. “I’m not really...” I drift off. I don’t know how to say this. How do I tell her that hanging out with her is fun and all, but I’ve got no interest in being any more serious than we are now? She’s looking at me though, waiting for me to finish.

“I’m not really in a place where I think it’s a good idea to be living with someone.”

“Why?”

Well, I guess that’s a fair question from one’s girlfriend.

“I’m never home.” I say.

She sits down and snakes her hand across my chest. “You’re over often enough.” she says and nibbles on my ear. I’m suddenly not at all turned on by her. That’s bad, considering she’s my girlfriend.

“Amy, I really have to get through this. I’ve got an early morning meeting with the President.” I say and actually hold myself back from shrugging her off.

She sighs heavily and sits back. “You always do.” she all but mumbles.

“Yes, I do.” I say. “I’m his domestic policy advisor. I often have early morning and late night meetings with him.”

She’s quiet for a couple of minutes and I dread what she’s thinking about. I don’t want to live with Amy. Amy’s a lot more high maintenance than I thought she was going to be. And coming from a guy that’s high maintenance himself, that’s a red flag on that old compatibility scale.

“Josh?” Shit, here comes whatever she’s stewing about.

“Yeah.”

“Um, I kind of think we should talk about Donna.”

“What?”

“Donna, your assistant.” she says again like just her saying Donna’s name doesn’t conjure up....you know, let’s just not go there.

“What about her?” I ask. I’m trying to sound casual, but I have a feeling I’m not going to like where this conversation goes.

“Well,” she says waving a hand over to the book shelves where there’s a picture of me and Donna. “I don’t have a picture of my assistant in my house.”

“She’s my friend.” I reply automatically. “There’s pictures of CJ, Sam and Toby around, too.”

I look over at the picture that seems to have offended her so much. It’s my favorite picture of us. It was taken in Manchester the weekend we were up there to plan the President’s re-election announcement. It was at night, and we were on the Bartlet farm. There’s a lake on the farm and we were all around a fire. It was me, Donna, Toby, CJ, Sam, Margaret, Ginger and Carol. And if you’re wondering which one of us got the fire actually going, that would be the secret service. Do you think they’d leave us in charge of fire on the grounds of the President of the United States? Especially after what happened the day before last year’s Leadership Breakfast?

Anyway, we were all just hanging out talking. Not even talking about work or politics; and just enjoying each other as friends outside of work. It was an extremely rare moment for all of us together. Well, Donna and I had started wrestling over a marshmallow she was roasting. CJ called our names, we looked over, and she snapped the picture.

I think I love the picture so much because it’s Donna and I...happy. We’re in sweatshirts and she’s got a marshmallow hanging off her finger and my arms are tight around her. It’s just me and her before all this stupid shit started.

“Listen, I know you guys are...you know....close, I guess.” she continues.

Oh, I don’t like where this going.

“So?”

“I just...” she says. I think she’s rethinking the intelligence of this conversation. “All right. I don’t think you can be fully committed to a relationship with Donna around.”

I flip the binder I’m reading shut and stand up to square off for the fight. I’m about eight feet away from her, and I’ve got my hands on my hips, her arms are crossed across her chest.

“What the hell does that mean?”

“I don’t know.”

“Yeah, you do.” I prod. “You started this conversation, you’ve obviously got more to say on the matter.” I can tell she’s going to try and drop it, but I’m not inclined to let her. I don’t want this hanging between us, and I don’t want her having the wrong idea about Donna.

“Say it, Amy.”

“What?”

“You know you want to.” I say.

“What are you talking about?”

“You want to give me the ultimatum.” I say. “You want to tell me that you and I will never work as long as Donna works for me.” Trouble is for Amy, if Donna didn’t work for me, her romantic status in my life would quickly change.

“You’re reading more into this.” she says, crossing to the couch and powering down her laptop. She’s going to run off before I can tell her to take her ultimatum and shove it.

“No, I don’t think I am.”

“Listen, J. I know there’s rumors about you two, and I know they’re not true. But, they stemmed from the fact that you’re unusually close with your assistant. I get it --”

“No, you don’t.” I bark.

“I’m sorry?”

“You don’t get it. You don’t get my relationship with Donna and you don’t want to.” I’m probably being a little more unfair right now than what’s called for, but I can’t help it. “She’s my friend, Amy. More than that, she’s my best friend. And I’m sorry if in this town that must automatically translate to I’ve slept with her, but I haven’t. I would never lower her to be that kind of woman. She deserves better than that image, and she deserves better than what you’re saying tonight.”

“You can’t commit, Josh!”

“I’m never home, Amy! I’m never here! And when I am, I frequently get called back to work. All plans I make are soft. I have to go away at the last minute. Living with me IS like living alone.”

That, and I just don’t want to live with Amy.

“No. Because when Miss American Pie calls, you jump and heel.” she hisses.

All right. This is going in a bad direction now. I literally take a step back from her and turn away, running a hand down my face. Just for good measure, I take a deep breath and count to ten.

“I’m sorry, Josh. I didn’t mean that.” Amy says softly.

“Yeah, you did.” I reply.

“No, I really didn’t.” she says shaking her head. “I just....sometimes it feels like you don’t look at me the way you look at her, and I wonder if I’m the one you actually want to be with.”

I sigh dramatically and roll my eyes. Anything to create enough of a diversion that I don’t have to answer that question. I can’t choose Donna. I wish I could, but I can’t so this argument is moot anyway.

“I should go.” she says simply.

She makes slow work of gathering her lap top and attache case. I think this is where I’m supposed to stop her for the make up sex, but I’m not inclined to. She was trying to manipulate me into admitting something about Donna. Donna’s never said one bad word to her or about her, dragging her into a fight wasn’t fair.

“I’ll see you tomorrow night at the First Lady’s party.” she says and lets herself out.

I won’t say that I’m not attracted to Amy. I won’t say that most of Washington society is going to see us tomorrow night at a formal event. I will say though that I was wrong. I thought a relationship with Amy wouldn’t be complicated. I thought I would know where I stood. I actually have no idea.

This relationship with Amy though actually clears things up a bit with how things are with Donna. For one, I’d much rather be going to the party tomorrow night with Donna. I know I’ll have fun and I won’t fight all freaking night. Plus, I get the feeling that Amy’s going to network. Donna knows her place at these things. And while I know you’re about to fly off the handle about 1950's sexual politics, let me cut you off right there and tell you that’s not what I meant. Donna wouldn’t use me and my connections at one of these things to advance her career, and she so totally could. It’s in the back of my mind whenever I bring her to a formal event, but I don’t think she’s ever thought about it.

I really don’t think I like being part of a power couple.

 

I chuckle again and drop my head to Donna’s shoulder.

“Josh.” she says trying to sound unamused and attempting to shrug me off. “People are looking at us, we’re in the middle of the dance floor.”

“I just can’t believe you’re Canadian.” I laugh finally picking up my head. She smells really good tonight.

“You can’t believe it?” she retorts. “I was American when I woke up this morning. All I did was go to work today. What the hell kind of two-bit government are you running anyway?”

“Hey, what happened upstairs?” I ask. See? I can change the subject just as quickly as she can.

“Oh, nothing.”

“No, something. Quite obviously something.” I reply.

Her attention is caught by something off the dance floor for a second. “I think maybe we should go get a drink.” she says quickly, then abruptly breaks away and walks off. I follow her because I’m confused as hell.

“What’s going on?” I ask quietly moving close to her at the bar.

“Nothing, it’s just....” she says. “Nothing.”

“Donna, what’s going on?”

“Other than the fact I’m Canadian?”

“Come on, tell me.”

“It’s just... I don’t know, maybe it’s just me...” she starts. She looks across the dance floor, shakes her head and then looks back to the bar. “Amy’s been shooting daggers at me, like, all night. Did I do something to offend her? I’m really sorry if I did, Josh.”

I refrain from telling her that the only thing she did was get hired.

“No, she’s...” I look back across the room, where, sure enough, if looks could kill, Donna and I would be dead. “I think she’s trying to manipulate me.”

We take our drinks and head off in the other direction. I’m hoping the crowd will block us for a little while.

“About what?” she asks.

“Hiring more women for the senior positions on the campaign.” And getting rid of the world’s best assistant.

“Yeah. She said something to Abbey about it.”

“See! That’s what I’m talking about. I don’t know where the line is with her. One minute she’s spouting off about something, and the next, she’s telling me we shouldn’t talk about that stuff. I don’t know, it’s...not what I thought it would be.”

She tugs my elbow and we slip out into the corridors. She leads us through the halls until we end up in a part of the building you can only go in if you work here. “You’re thinking about breaking up with her?”

“I don’t know.” I shrug. But what I really think is, say the word, Donna, and I will. After that shit last night?

“Well, don’t string her along, Josh.” she says. “It’s not fair.”

“No, it’s not.” I reply. “But you know what else isn’t fair? I didn’t get to finish my dance with you because she’s giving you dirty looks. What is this? High school?”

She smiles lightly and kisses me on the cheek.

Well, that was unexpected.

“You have a girlfriend, Josh. You’re supposed to be her protector, not mine.”

“My girlfriend can handle herself just fine.” I mumble.

“I think I’m going to take off now.”

“Donna!”I whine. If I have to go back in there without her, I’ll stab my eyes out. What? Too dramatic?

“I’ll see you in the morning, Josh.” she says and starts walking away, but stops and turns around. “Hey, thanks for saving me again with the Canada thing.”

I give her a broad grin and a half shrug. “If you can’t fly on Air Force One, you’re not much good to me.”

The further away from me she gets, the emptier I feel. I’m so inclined to sneak out with her, but despite the strength of that feeling, I just can’t do that to Amy. It’s just rude and my mother, unfortunately, raised me better than that. So, I head back to the party to take my beating like a man.


	15. Chronicles of Joshua, The

April 2002

“What is this? A bomb threat?” The President asks me looking down at a sheet of paper I just handed him. “Are you going to pull a heist and knock over the Oval Office?”

“It’s a briefing memo, sir.” I say.

“I don’t understand, Josh. Did Donna’s hands fall off?”

“Sir, I don’t have a lot of time here.” I implore. “Plus, she doesn’t know I wrote it.”

“Josh, circumventing Donna is a bad idea.” he warns me.

“Oh, I agree.” I say. “Bad things happen when I do something bold, like, schedule something on my own, but this is for Donna, so I couldn’t tell her about it.”

“Okay. Well, brief me in person because I don’t know what the hell this says.” the President says, taking off his glasses.

“Okay, it’s like this.” I say, and I can feel myself start bouncing in place, and then I’m rambling, “This teacher she had in school is retiring. She meant a lot to Donna and Donna spent all day trying to figure out a way for you to make a proclamation for Molly Morello Day.”

“You know, it’s National Digestive Disease Awareness Week right now.” the President says.

“I did, in fact, know that.”

“You did not.”

“I did; Donna told me.” I nod. “Anyway, Mrs. Morello was really important to her, and she made a big difference to Donna. Donna’s high school didn’t offer an AP English class, so Mrs. Morello came in two hours early to teach one, and Donna went into school two hours earlier to take the class, a class that in the end would have actually no bearing on her GPA. In the 60's the Madison School District banned Twelfth Night, and Mrs. Morello held a class at her house on Saturdays to teach it.”

“This sounds important to you, Josh.” the President says studying me.

“It’s important to Donna.” I shrug simply. He looks at me for long moment, and I swear, I almost start to squirm.

“You’re asking me to make a proclamation?” the President asks.

“No, sir.” I say quickly. “I’m asking you to call Mrs. Morello and congratulate her on her retirement.”

“Do you know how many public school teachers are retiring this year?” he replies. He just might know the answer to that. The President’s such a nerd.

“They don’t have a Donna working in the White House, and if they do, they don’t have the access I do.” I reply.

“That’s your pitch?” He smirks at me.

“Do I need more?” I ask cautiously. “I found out she’s not a lesbian.”

“I don’t want to know how you know that.”

“She’s also not a bicycle thief.” I say.

“Did you get her home number?” the President relents, and I can’t help but grin.

“Yeah.”

“Give it to Charlie and have him go get Donna. Leo needs you for something next door.”

“Thank you, sir.”

I’m more happier than I expected to be as I leave the Oval and stop at Charlie’s desk. Charlie’s gotten past asking questions about the day to day oddities of his job, and goes off to get Donna, while I go to Leo’s office where everyone else is waiting. After a somewhat stilted and uncomfortable meeting with the Vice President, I head back to my office to wait for Donna, but she’s already there.

She’s sitting in my chair with her elbows on the arm rests and her hands linked in the middle. She is, of course, in tears. When she sees me, she propels herself out of her chair and abruptly folds me into a hug. I practically deflate in her arms. It’s been a long time since I’ve been well and truly hugged by Donnatella Moss.

“Thank you, Josh.” she whispers. “That was wonderful. Thank you so much.”

“You’re welcome.” I say into her shoulder. She starts to pull away, but I’m not ready to let go yet. I miss her. I miss us. She rubs my back a little and then finally pulls away. Her eyes are still bright and she smiles softly at me.

I love this look. I came through for her. I’ll probably float out of here tonight.

“Night.” she says softly.

“Night.” I reply, and she disappears from my office.

I sit down at my computer and open up my email. There’s three there from Amy with names and qualifications of women with suggested positions for the campaign. I don’t know how many more times I can tell her that this is Bruno’s turf. I delete them in their entirety and sit back in my chair with a sigh.

“How’s it going?”

I look up and see Sam leaning against the door frame and shrug in response. “I just saw Donna leaving. She looks like she was crying.”

“She was.”

“Is she all right?”

“Yeah, she’s fine. It’s a long story, but it ends with the President calling her favorite school teacher tonight and congratulating her on her retirement.”

“Well, that was nice of him.” Sam says pushing himself off the door jamb and moving into the office.

“Well, she originally wanted a proclamation for her. Molly Morello Day.”

“You know it’s National Digestive Disease Awareness Week right now.”

God, I’m surrounded by nerds. “Yeah, I know.”

“For me, it was my high school drama teacher Mrs. Winston.” Sam says.

“She the one that turned you on to Gilbert and Sullivan?” I smirk.

“Stop.” he grins. “You heading out to see Amy?”

“Nah, I’m going to head home.” I say. “It’s pretty late.”

“Are you guys still together?”

“Yeah, but....”

“The chase is over and the thrill is gone?”

Damn, does everyone think that about me? “No. She’s just been on my case about a lot of things that I don’t think she should be making personal.”

“You think she’s using you?”

Not any more than I’m using her. Okay, that’s...that’s a troubling thought. I think that might be a glaring sign that this relationship is coming to an end.

“I don’t know.” I shrug. I don’t really want to get into it. “She spent most of Abbey’s party networking and being pissed at me for Donna.”

“Donna still Canadian?” Sam smirks.

“I think so. I think she’s waiting for her test results.”

“Who does that happen to?” Sam laughs.

“Donna.” I chuckle back.

“With Donna, it’s always interesting.” Sam laughs.

“It sure is.” I say.

“Who accidentally becomes a Canadian?”

“You accidentally slept with a prostitute.”

“Fair point.” he says, then starts to leave. “See you in the morning.”

I look around my mostly dark office. I’ve got a lot of thinking to do, and this probably isn’t the best place to do it. As I gather my stuff to leave for the night, I smile again at the smile I put on Donna’s face.


	16. Chronicles of Joshua, The

May 2002

Well, at least something’s gone right with my day, Donna’s back. Of course, it’s my fault I sent her in the first place, but I’m trying to find things for her to do. I’m trying to give her more responsibility, and so I’m trying to see what she can handle. She hasn’t let me down yet, so I didn’t really expect her to get in too much trouble in South Dakota.

I’m so disgusted by what Amy did. But more than that, I’m disgusted I trusted her enough to even talk about the marriage incentives to begin with. I don’t think she’ll ever be what I thought she could be and I don’t know who I blame for that more, her or me. I’ve been trying to find the exact moment in our relationship where I was deliberately deceived by her, but I don’t think it exists. As much as I want to blame her, the fault lies solely with me and my projection of qualities I value in Donna onto Amy. So when I was inevitably betrayed personally by Amy to beat me politically, it was that much more stunning.

The President is pissed as hell at me, and I don’t blame him. I really don’t. I fell for the oldest trick in Washington. You don’t tip your hand to anyone, especially the person you’re sleeping with. It was amateur of me. My job is to deliver for the President and Leo, and so I’ll win this in the end, but it will be the last nail in the coffin of my relationship with Amy. I’m holding out hope that there’s another way, but it hasn’t presented itself yet. Half of me though doesn’t want it to present itself. There is no singular personality trait I value more than loyalty and she betrayed that. She knowingly betrayed that.

“Josh?” Donna calls softly from the doorway. She’s looking at me expectantly and I’m wondering if she’s been calling my name for a little while. “Is there any change in the nose count?”

“No.” I say simply.

“I’m sorry, Josh.” I don’t ask her what she’s sorry for; I know.

“It’s fine, Donna; it’s not important.” I say, turning away from her.

“Yes, it was.” she nods. “She shouldn’t have done that to you.”

“You’re supportive side is getting much stronger.” I smirk.

“I’m a good assistant.” she says with a shrug.

“You’re a good friend.” I say softly.

She smiles at me and leaves my office. I can’t put off the inevitable any longer and I pick up the phone and call Amy’s boss. I sit in my office a while longer before I finally tell Donna I’m leaving for the night.

I head right to Amy’s and she opens the door swinging. It awes me that she’s pissed at me. SHE betrayed ME and she’s pissed now that it didn’t go in her favor? She started this game and now she’s pissed that she lost?

I’m trying to get through the argument so when it’s over, I can end it. I almost think she can see it coming.

“What'd you think I was gonna do?”

“I thought you were gonna do this.”

“And?”

“And I didn't think it was gonna work.”

“Are you fired?”

“I'm resigning on Monday.”

“Do you have to?”

“I had an entire policy initiative reversed in an hour. Weren't you given the chance to get the votes you needed by setting up a meeting with Ritchie?”

“I'm not a dating service.”

“What is wrong with you?!”

“Every serious Democrat is gonna unite behind this President, and I'm not kidding around.”

“Every serious Democrat should be thinking about leading and not following.”

“Yeah? How's it going so far?”

“Matter of fact, it's going all right, and I'd do it again.”

And that right there is why she’ll never be Donna. That’s what I should have seen months ago.

“That's what's scaring the hell out of me.”

“Good. It's about time.” Her phone rings and she storms to the living room to answer it.

“You can't win the White House while the middle class thinks you disdain work and responsibility.”

“I would hope not, and I congratulate you for punishing poor women as the symbol of the strength of mainstream values.”

“That's not what we did.”

“Hello?” she greets into the phone.

“Do you not consider it relevant that it would be worse with Rob Ritchie in the White House? Why is that not part of the equation?”

She looks over at me completely speechless. “Honey, Simon Donovan was shot and killed.”

I snatch the phone away from her hand. It’s Sam, telling me about what happened in New York. I can feel the room shrinking around me and I press my palm forcibly to my forehead.

“Josh?” Sam asks when he doesn’t hear me say anything.

“Yeah.”

“We’ll be back in the morning.”

“Kay.”

“Carol’s calling all the assistants and telling them.”

I hang up Amy’s phone, and the only thought running through my head right now is I’ve got to get out of here. It’s stifling in here.

“Josh?” Amy asks cautiously.

“I have to go.” I say and grab my backpack.

“And do what?” she asks. “Honey, just stay here, you’re okay here.”

“No. I’m not.” I say quickly. “And you shouldn’t call me `Honey’ anymore.”

“Why not?” she asks.

“I have to go.” I say again and head for the door.

“Josh, everyone’s in New York.” she says.

“Not everyone.” I mumble and pull open the door. I leave quickly before she can say anything else.

As soon as I’m out on the street, I reach in my pocket for my cell phone and remember I don’t have it. I suddenly feel immediately exposed and vulnerable without my constant lifeline. I hail a cab and give the driver Donna’s address. I let myself into her building and take the stairs two at a time. When she doesn’t answer right away, I start pounding forcefully on the door and calling her name. This goes on for a few minutes until I realize that she’d never leave me out here, and she’s quite obviously not home. God, I wish I had my phone! I hail another cab and give them my address. I briefly wonder if she went to the White House, but I don’t think I can be there. If I’m home, I’ll have a phone and I can call her.

I drop my head back against the seat of the car and try to ignore the ringing in my ears. Suddenly, I’m straining to remember what was happening before Sam called. My entire time at Amy’s is a big blur. I throw way too much money to the driver and fly out of the cab and up my front steps. As soon as I’m through the door, I can see her sitting outside my apartment.

Thank God.

She stands up when she sees me and all but runs down the hall to me, propelling herself into my arms. “Where have you been?” she demands.

“I went to your place first.”

“I’ve been calling you like crazy. Don’t you have your phone on?”

“I have to get a new one. Amy threw mine in the stew last night.”

“Are you all right?” she whispers like a mother hen, and I nod like a child. She unlocks my door with her key and drags me and all our stuff over the threshold. Once inside, she turns away, but at my harsh whisper of her name, I’m immediately back in her arms.

“It’s okay.” she whispers. “I’m here with you; I won’t leave.”

I squint my eyes tight and hug her tightly to me, praying she can make everything go away.

“How did you know I’d come find you?” I ask.

“I just did.” she shrugs pulling away. “Go get changed.”

Nothing’s making sense to me right now, except Donna’s telling me to do something, so I’m going to go do it. Unlike Amy, Donna would never do anything that wasn’t in my best interests. I don’t really realize how long it takes me to get changed because when I come back out into the living room, Donna’s just finishing up a phone call.

“All right, Ceej. I’ll see you tomorrow.” She snaps her phone shut and looks at me.

“That was CJ?”

“Yeah.”

“Why didn’t you let me talk to her?”

“She doesn’t want to talk to anyone.”

“But she’ll talk to you?”

“I’ve got a certain understanding for how she feels right now, Josh.” she says quietly.

I’m stunned by the enormity of her words. She seems to see this and she moves back to me, gently leading me to the couch. She sits down by me and I fall into her lap. I’m inclined to let the tears come. If I can’t cry in front of Donna, then I can’t cry in front of anyone, but I’m not sure what I’m feeling requires tears. I feel a great sense of loss, but I’m transported back in time and it’s a loss for Donna that I’m feeling, what she’s admitting to feeling that night is heartbreaking to me on a night where I don’t think my heart can stand any more disappointments.


	17. Chronicles of Joshua, The

September 2002

After talking to Matt Kelly for a little while, I turn away from the bar to find Donna with her head resting on her arms on the table.

I sigh when I think of the day she had today. Let’s just say I wasn’t at my best and she had to deal with that AND Toby not at his best. Add to that the fact that he and I were bickering all day, I’m surprised she didn’t tell us to shove it and abandon us in the Twilight Zone.

I walk over and quietly pull the chair next to her out and scratch at her arm. She lifts her head and looks absolutely exhausted.

“What could you possibly want right now?” she growls.

“I thought you might want to make use of the bed we rented.”

“Excuse me, Joshua?” she replies arching one perfectly shaped brow at me.

“I thought you might want to sleep for a little while. I don’t want you to get a migraine.” I say.

Oh, wait....she thought... Oh my God! I sound like a ... a... sleazy boss!

But, of course, I can’t get that image out of my head

“Oh.” she says, and I think it’s possible she’s blushing. “It sounded like....” She waves a hand in between us and drifts off with her thought.

“Yeah...” I say softly with a slight smile.

“I finished the letters.” she says quickly, straightening up and breaking the moment. It’s a good thing, too, because in my exhaustion, I might have been inclined to...

“Good.” I nod quickly. “Do you want to eat or something?”

“No. I’m all right.”

“Do you hate me?”

“Your incessant flirting got me stranded in Indiana with apparently no way out with you and Toby amped up to new levels of obnoxiousness.” she fires back.

“So, yes?”

“Today, that is most definitely a yes.”

“You did really good today though, Donna. You were, like, a step ahead of me all day.”

“It’s my job.”

“You’re good at it.”

She leans over and presses a hand to my forehead. “Do you have a fever?”

“Donna!” I laugh pulling her hand from my head, but I hesitate a moment longer before letting go. Unless I’m mistaken, there was a slight squeeze of my fingers before I do.

“You always think I’m good when I’m bailing your ass out of something.”

“Well, you’re always bailing my ass out of something, so that means you’re always good.”

“Do you want to see the letters?”

“Not right now. They’re only going to depress me. Do you want to eat something?”

“No, I’m good.”

“Can I get you a drink?”

Why do I suddenly feel like I’m on a date? And who’d want to date either one of us right now? I’m sure we look like death warmed over. Well, the answer to that is us. We’d want to date us right now. And now I’m stuck on the thought of using that bed with Donna again, and how much easier this day would have been had she and I been together. I’m REALLY tired right now.

“No.” she says. “Who were you talking to at the bar?”

“His name is Matt. He and his daughter were looking at Notre Dame. He has no idea how he’s going to pay for it.”

“Well, normal people have that problem, Josh.” she shrugs.

“What?”

“We didn’t all grow up in Westport, Joshua.” she chuckles. “Paying for college in middle America is hard on people, especially out here with farmers and factory workers. They don’t make it hand over fist, you know.”

“I know.” I say defensively.

“Do you? Did you listen to Kathy today, or just smile and flirt?”

“I listened!” Mostly. We ARE going to lose Indiana. And why did she have to go there with the flirting? I thought things with us were getting better. It certainly felt like they were. We need some sort of agreement, she and I, we need to have a non-verbal agreement not to say that stuff to each other. I wonder how our mental telepathy is working today?

“Besides,” I continue. “Just because I grew up in Westport doesn’t mean anything. That’s my parents’ money.”

“Joshua, I’ve talked to your mother.” she says knowingly. I hate that my mother and Donna talk like that. Ever since the shooting, they talk, like, once a week. It’s unnerving. It should be noted, I frequently talk to my mother on the phone and email her. It’s not like she can’t get information from me. They’ve probably talked about me and Amy. That’s even worse. My mother’s not an Amy fan. Well, my mother’s not a fan of anyone who’s not Donna.

“I don’t get anything until my mother dies, and she’s going to live forever.” Just like you, I end silently. Yeah, yeah, I know. “I don’t take hand outs, I’m perfectly capable of working.”

“Yes, you are. And you work very hard.” she says. “But you’re also Deputy Chief of Staff to the President of the United States. You make more than minimum wage, my friend. Sam was a corporate lawyer before the campaign, and CJ was a public relations consultant for Hollywood! Plus, if we lose, you’ll make quite a bit of money in the private sector. You’re not making $50,000 a year or whatever Matt over there is making. You don’t make what I make; you don’t make what Charlie makes, so when people who do tell you something, you should listen and stop with the smiling at the women. You’re a democrat. Act like it.”

Damn, she’s really pissed at me today. I can see she’s just hit the end of her rope. While she is annoyed at me, I can tell that she’s regretting being that adamant about it. She’s pissed, but she’s not THAT pissed.

“Donna,” I say softly.

“What?” she whines.

“Please go lay down.” I plead. If she gets a migraine while we’re stuck in freaking Indiana, we’re ALL screwed. We might as well buy a house here.

“I’m fine.” she says softly.

“Do you want me to go with you?”

She flicks a glance over at Toby, who’s still talking to Matt Kelly. “No.” I hate that. I hate that we have to hide half of our friendship because of what the others will think. What’s the big deal about keeping her company while she lays down? Why is that so awful?

You know, between you and me, part of me hopes we lose. Toby would kill me if he could get into my head and hear that stuff, but part of me hopes we lose. If we lose, Donna and I don’t work for the President anymore. We can do something different with a different set of rules.

My advice to you? Don’t fall in love with your assistant.


	18. Chronicles of Joshua, The

November 2002

This has been quite the insane day. We won, and that’s wonderful. But then we get this bomb dropped on us via television that Sam told some guy in California he’d run in a special election. He didn’t say anything to anyone, but apparently, he told Donna this morning while she was out peddling a vote. I’m starting to think he should do it. This guy Will Bailey just gave me some not all that bad numbers.

I was having an okay night hanging out and drinking with Donna. Then Amy shows up in a blinding red dress that I know she wore to get me to go home with her tonight, which I’m not going to do, though it’s tempting, but all it’s got me thinking about is the red dress Donna wore for her date last year, and how pathetic is it that I can remember it perfectly.

I need to get a hobby, I think. Like, an actual hobby that doesn’t include inventorying my assistant’s date worthy wardrobe.

I walk out of my office to Donna’s desk, where she’s sitting doing... I don’t know what. Why is she here and not at the party?

“Can you find Leo for me?”

“Yeah.” She picks up her phone and dials. “It’s Donna. I have Josh looking for him. Thanks.” She hangs up and nods in the direction of his door, which I translate to Leo’s in his office and I start to leave the bullpen, but her next interaction catches my attention.

“You lost?” she says to a naval officer.

“Hey, I know you.” he replies with a smile. Who the hell is this guy?

“Yeah.”

“You work here?”

“Yeah.”

“You didn’t tell me that.”

“Let me see your slip. I’m sure you’re over in Dr. McNally’s wing.”

She catches me watching this interaction and I give her my ‘Who the hell is this Gomer?’ face which she immediately returns with her ‘Get the hell out of here, you’re cramping my style’ face before leading the dashing young naval commander off in the opposite direction. I watch them until I can’t see them anymore before turning and heading towards Leo’s office.

A cute naval commander working in the building. That’s so incredibly not what I need. I mean, I really could have done without that. I’ve noticed over the years that no one that actually works here has ever asked her out. I think my sabotaging has become notorious around here. It’s not sabotaging though. It isn’t. It’s weeding out the unworthy. Who’s the one that comforts her when some asshole inevitably breaks her heart? That’s me she cries all over, my friends. I don’t think it’s so out there that I, as her closest friend, intercept those that I think are less than perfect. And it’s certainly not my fault the woman is a Gomer magnet. I think she took an ad out somewhere.

For a second, I have to strain to remember what she’s wearing today. It’s not that red dress, right? I wonder if she’ll wear it for that pinhead. Okay, he’s probably not a pinhead. You can’t work for Nancy and be totally inept. It just doesn’t really fly with Nancy. And Donna looked all sort of smitten, too.

Okay. I need to take a step back. I don’t even know the guy’s name. He could be married for all I know.

I arrive at Leo’s office and Margaret waves me in. “What’s going on, Josh?”

“You heard about Sam?”

“Oh yeah.”

“I think he should do it.”

“Josh, if Sam runs for Congress in the California 47th, he’ll no longer work at the White House.” Leo says. “Am I the only one who’s making that particular connection? He runs, we lose him.”

“Yeah, I know.” I say, pushing that depressing thought aside. If Sam leaves, I might have to, I don’t know, be a grown up more. “But his guy Will Bailey didn’t give me all that unfavorable numbers.”

“You actually think he’ll win?” Leo asks me incredulously. “I think I worked you too hard in this campaign.”

“No, Leo. I think he’s going to get creamed.” I reply. “But, if we let him do it, it’ll help smooth things over with some of our guys that are pissed at us right now.”

“You want to offer him up as the sacrificial lamb?”

“Well,” I hedge. “I think it’ll also be good for him. He wants to run for office one day, this might be a good time for him to get his feet wet. Sam will go far.”

“Not as a Congressman.”

“No.” I agree. “He’ll have to set his sights a little higher.”

“We lose Sam, who do we get?”

“I don’t know yet.” I admit.

“All right.” Leo says and I start to make my way out, when it occurs to me that I have an opportunity here for a little recon work. “Hey, does Nancy have a new deputy?”

“Yeah. There’s a naval commander starting tonight.” Leo says looking down at a piece of paper in his hand. I recognize the classified folder underneath it. Something must be going on downstairs.

“Know anything about him?” I try for casual. I doubt he bought it.

“Why?”

“I just bumped into him; I was curious.”

“Why? You want to set him up with Donna?”

“No!” At Leo’s chuckle, I know I’ve just been played. “Come on, Leo.” I groan.

“Sorry, Josh. Sometimes you’re just too easy of a target.”

I quickly flee Leo’s office before he can zing me again. Sometimes I forget how long Leo’s known me. And sometimes, I really think he suspects that my feelings for Donna are a little more than professional or friendly, but since I’ve never given him a reason to have to talk to me about it, he skirts around the issue, just like I do.

As I make my way back the bullpen, I see Donna offering that naval commander cake. He takes it, smiles, looks at me and then says something to her and walks away. Weird.

“We’re going to tell Sam to run.” I say by way of greeting.

“He should.” she nods, but she’s watching the commander walk away.

“Who was that?” I ask.

She rolls her eyes. “Nancy’s new deputy. He’s my new hero, Josh. That’s the guy that swapped votes with me.”

HE’S her NEW hero?? If I challenged him to a duel, do you think he’d bring his saber, or a pistol? I got a shot if I’m armed and he’s not.

“Really?” I ask dryly.

“Well, that vote could have put us over the top. He might be why I have a job tomorrow.”

“Yeah, because it’s got nothing to do with me and the others why you have a job tomorrow, and we didn’t win by one vote.” Holy shit, did I just sound jealous there.

She looks at me for a long, charged moment, and I’m sure I’m about to lose my head. But she surprises me instead by grabbing my hand and tugging me out of the bullpen.

“Where are we going?” I ask quickly. Why do I get the creepy feeling she’s going to drag me down to the basement and stash my battered body down there? I could end up in that big storage room with all the furniture and the red phone.

“There’s dancing downstairs. I want to dance.” she announces.

“Donna!” I instantly whine. What? Well, it’s okay for dancing at formal events, but everybody here’s going think I’m whipped or something. Okay. They probably think that anyway.

I don’t think she appreciated my protest though because she immediately whips around and glares at me, and it’s rather menacing, if I do say so myself. “Okay. Sure!” I squeak. “Let’s go dance.” I nod for good measure and she drags me along. Listen, fighting with Donna is like foreplay and all, years and years of foreplay, but I don’t want to piss her off too bad because she does still work for me and she’ll make me very sorry tomorrow.

We get down to the mess, and I’m surprised at how many people are in here dancing. It’s a slow song, which is actually lucky for me because I’m not any kind of fast dancer, and she drags me out onto the dance floor. Out of the corner of my eye, I can see Amy and CJ off to the side drinking beer.

Donna steps right into my arms and lays her head on my shoulder. Amy looks like she’s about to use that bottle for a missile and CJ looks like she’s had too much to drink because she’s laughing....loudly.

Amy’s death glare though doesn’t phase me as I wrap my arms around Donna’s waist.

“Good job with the re-election, Josh.” she whispers in my ear. “I don’t know what I was going to do if I was unemployed in January.”

I refrain from telling her that I actually had a plan there, and that there’s a part of me that’s actually disappointed we won. But I can’t tell her that because there’s a room full of people here, and if I’m honest with myself, I wouldn’t have told her had it just been me and her. Out of the corner of my eye, I see Amy toss her hair over her shoulder and walk out. She can be as pissed as she wants. I don’t owe her anything. Just because she came here looking for a booty call doesn’t mean she was going to get it.

“Josh?” Donna asks, picking up her head.

“Hmm?”

“Are you okay?”

“I’m fine.” I nod. “You know, it’s not like you didn’t do anything for re-election Donna.”

“Whatever.” she dismisses and drops her head back down.

I’ve been starting to get an uneasy feeling from her lately. I’m starting to get the feeling that she’s a little restless in her job. I don’t like that feeling. I literally can’t do this job without her. She’s constantly downplaying her significance, but she really does a lot. She does way more than any other assistant does.

I tighten my arms around her just a little bit and hear her sigh. I miss these moments. I wonder if things could be different for us in the second term, now that the threat of re-election is gone. Maybe people won’t care so much. I’ll have to keep my eye out for an opportunity to test the waters and see.


	19. Chronicles of Joshua, The

December 2002

“Josh! Was I insensitive before about telling you Donna was gone?” I look up and see Leo right in front of me.

“No. Wh-what do you mean?” Oh shit. Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit. Could I have BEEN more obvious tonight?

“I don't know, I thought --” He starts. Oh God, this is painful. Of all the conversations I wished to never have with my boss, the Chief of Staff for the United States, this is it right here, folks.

“It's fine--of course it's fine. It's great! I was feeling guilty, but now this ... is good. This--this--it's better than good, it's the way it should be.” I’m rambling like a smitten 15 year old here. And for the record, it’s exactly NOT the way it should be.

 

“Oh, get it together, would you please?”

“I'm trying.”

“Okay.” he pauses for a second, then gives me a thoughtful look. “There's something we have to talk about.”

“You'll tell me when you need to.”

He begins to walk away, but stops and turns about. “It's four years later, and there are things that are worse, and things that are exactly the same ... where do you start?”

“By fixing a roof. I’m staying on the phone, you want to stay with me?”

“Yeah.” He says with his patented smirk and walks away.

I’ve got two things out of that brief conversation. One, Leo totally knows I’ve got it bad for my assistant now; two, we killed Shareef. Neither leaves me with a good feeling.

I’m worried about this Jack Reese guy. She seems to like him a lot, and he’s not a bad guy, which really makes me nuts. Not that I like when she gets hurt because I don’t, I mean, it makes me want to kill the guy, but I just thought there was a reason why she dated guys she had no future with, you know? This guy might actually be....good....for her.

Did I screw it up that bad? Should I have just said something to her? Should I have just said, “Donna, I’m in love with you; can you not date until we’re out of office?” Was that the way to go about this? How could I ask that of her? If I love her so much, don’t I want her to be happy? Isn’t that something you’re supposed to want for someone you love?

I got outed to Donna tonight too. I all but confessed to sabotaging her dates. “It’s not what it looks like.” What a fucking idiot I am.

I think Leo put two and two together with my aggressive pursuit of the Vicki Hilton thing. That, coupled with tonight, probably stuck a neon “Josh loves Donna” sign right on my freaking forehead. I thought that could be a way in, but it can’t. Though the President was really open to it, Leo shut it down. The President’s a romantic though, he’ll agree to just about anything.

I pick up my cell phone and dial, as I see Toby and his father walk out of the bullpen. I don’t care that he’s pissed. He has to talk to me, it’s his job.

“Merry Christmas, Joshua.”

“Hi, Mom.”

“You’re at work, aren’t you?”

“How’d you know?”

“Because it’s Christmas Eve, you’re Jewish, and a nice guy.”

“Yeah.”

“You didn’t make poor Donna stay, did you?”

“No.” I sigh heavily. “She’s definitely gone.”

“To Wisconsin.”

“To the Washington Inn.”

“With whom?”

“Her Naval Commander boyfriend Jack.” I don’t even bother to hide my intense disapproval from my mother. What’s the point? She sees right through it anyway.

“Do you know why that is?”

“She likes him.”

“No, you’re a schmuck.”

“She likes him, mom.”

“No, you’re a schmuck. She likes him; she loves you.”

“No, she doesn’t, not like that.” I don’t doubt that Donna loves me, but now I’m starting to doubt that it’s like that.

“Open your eyes, Joshua.”

“It wouldn’t matter anyway, mom. It’s not okay.”

“You don’t know that.”

“I do know that.” I reply. “There was a thing a few weeks ago. If it went one way that would mean Donna and I.... you know what? This doesn’t matter. She’s got a boyfriend.”

“She’s got a boyfriend; she wants you.”

“Well, it can’t be, Mom!” I say louder than I had intended. “I’m sorry.” I immediately apologize. “I shouldn’t have raised my voice to you. I’m sorry.”

“Joshua, is this worth it?” My mom asks quietly. “You’re not happy anymore. It is worth it?”

“I used to think so, Mom.”

“Honey.” she sighs. “She’ll drop him in a minute, if you ask her to.”

“I can’t ask her that, Mom, not when I can’t give her anything.”

“You ARE giving her something, Joshua. You’re giving her hope. She tries to hide it when she talks to me, but she can’t. She tells me about Jack, and she doesn’t sound like she does when she talks about you. Why can’t one of you just leave the White House?”

“Because the other one will still be working 14 hour days, Mom.” I say. “If we’re both working here, we see each other for 14 hours a day. I’m not a good boyfriend, Mom, to anyone that doesn’t work in this building.”

“You were never going to be a good boyfriend to Amy, Joshua, you don’t want to run for public office.” My mother spits out. My mother wasn’t fond of Amy.

“That’s not fair, Mom.”

“I don’t care about fair; I care about you and Donna.”

“This is the way it is, right now, Mom. It’s the way it’s got to be.”

“I can call her mother.” My mom says thoughtfully.

“What? Why?”

“Just a conversation between mothers, sweetie.”

“Don’t you dare! I’d be mortified. I’d have to move to Canada.”

“Well, that would work out well, Donna’s Canadian.”

“You’re not calling Mrs. Moss. You don’t even know her phone number.”

“Your boss is an old and dear friend of mine. I can get Donna’s mother’s phone number.”

“Now, you’re just being...addle minded.”

“Funny, that’s what Donna says you are.”

“Well, I had to have gotten it from somewhere.”

“Go home, Joshua.” My mother says. “Go home, go to sleep, call Donna tomorrow morning and wish her a Merry Christmas.”

“Yeah, that’ll look good. Hey, Jack, can you put Donna on?” I quip. “Not likely, Mom.” I leave off the fact that Jack already thought there was something between Donna and me.

“All right, baby, I love you.”

“I love you, too, Mom.” I snap my phone shut and let out a long breath. I’m just trying to figure out if I’m going to go home or not when CJ pops her head in.

“Mi amore, we’re off to the Hawk and Dove. Come with us.”

“All right.” I say popping up and shrugging into my coat. I’m suddenly in the mood to get very, very drunk.


	20. Chronicles of Joshua, The

January 2003

Finally familiar territory. Donna’s broken up with another boyfriend and I know my job here. I know my lines.

But it all feels different this time. Jack did an end run around the Joint Chiefs, just like he was asked to, but the Secretary of Defense doesn’t hold him in too high regard right now. What really pisses me off was that he was perfectly accepting of letting Donna take the fall for that stupid quote. What is with military guys and their ring and run? Jack will probably run into a hail of bullets without blinking an eye, but he’ll let his girlfriend take the fall for an anonymous quote?

What makes me nuts is I should have fired her, and she knows I should have fired her, and everybody knows I should have fired her and I couldn’t bring myself to do it. In fact, I stopped the thought as soon as I had it. If I didn’t fire her for the diary, I can’t fire her for this. Of course, nobody knows about the diary.

What I’m stuck on is my actions in going to her house tonight. First of all, I took a posse of people with me. Really, I was just going to take Danny, but then he blabbed to Charlie and Toby, and Toby grabbed Will.... it turned into a whole thing.

And there I was, standing outside her building with a broken doorbell. I knew what happened last night between her and Jack and I knew about the quote. But, like I said. I know my role here. So, I did something completely obnoxious, and dare I say, completely romantic.

But when she came outside, I lost my head. How could she do this to us? How could she push us into boss and employee roles without my consent? I mean, I hate that. I really hate that. We’re a team, we’re not....doesn’t matter. She puts up barriers and doesn’t tell me when they’re up and when they’re down. They’re down tonight, but they were up yesterday. I can’t keep up.

All I knew was that she looked amazing and my inner monologue wasn’t working right then. Any idiot with two eyes in their head would have saw what I felt right at that moment, and I know she did. Jack left yesterday, and Donna looked more amazing tonight than I had ever seen her before, except maybe when I woke up in the hospital for the first lucid time with her there, and I know tonight wasn’t about looking good for Jack, the guy’s half-way to Italy and Arevaderci to him, too.

For one brief shining moment today, she was my princess and I was her prince, and don’t think I don’t feel like a dork bringing the musical references right now, but I don’t know how else to describe it. She sat on my lap in the cab and she smelled so good and I had to recite Mets stats all the way to the Convention Center.

She danced with me, and she danced with Will, and she even danced with sleazy Joe from Advance, who’s hand was WAY too low on her back. Then, the President pulled us away, and here we are in my office working on the Kundu thing. We could probably still make the last couple balls, but by some unspoken agreement, we came here, got changed and got down to work.

Donna’s hair is pulled up now and I’m not sure it could be saved at this point, but I think it still looks good, it’s got some curls falling out and she’s biting on a pencil as she edits something for Toby.

Everything feels different than the last time she broke up with a boyfriend. I don’t want to kill Jack. I want to lock her in a tower somewhere where she can’t tempt men...where she can’t tempt me.

“Hey, Donna?” I ask softly.

“Hmm?”

“You looked really beautiful tonight.” I say softly, and she raises her head and smiles at me. Her eyes are sparkling and I want to yank her across this desk and kiss the hell out of her.

“Thank you, Josh.” she smiles. “For everything.”

I shrug and glance out into the darkened bullpen.

“Did Joe grab your ass?”

“Almost.” she chuckled. “That guy is so creepy.”

“Why don’t you head home?” I offer. “I can finish this stuff up.”

“I go when you go.”

“Donna,” I sigh. “You don’t always have to be here when I am.”

“Joshua, I need your key to get into my apartment. I left there with no keys, no coat, no purse. I can’t take a cab or the Metro home, unless you’d prefer I walk?”

“Are you kidding me? At this hour? You’re not walking home now.”

“Then I go when you go.” she repeats.

“Do you think it’s cool to be in the Screaming Eagles?” I ask leaning back into my chair.

“They’re going to stand in front of tanks tonight. No.” she replies, back to her reading.

“Still. They’re going with some pretty bad ass machinery. I don’t do anything like that.”

She looks up at me again and says quietly, “You stand in front of other kinds of tanks.”

This is a moment when one of us is supposed to look away or say something snarky, but I don’t want to be the one to do it. There is a very fragile balance tonight, and I don’t want to be the one to break it. She doesn’t seem inclined to break it either, and the air in here is getting charged.

“You want to go raid the mess?” I ask softly.

“I could go for some ice cream.” she says. “They’ve got those big bins of ice cream down there.”

“They got beer, too.”

“Beer and ice cream, after a night of black tie balls.” she chuckles.

“I think we’re more beer and ice cream anyway.” I say standing up, I walk around my desk and reach my hand down to her. She grabs it and I swing my arm around her shoulder and she slides hers around my waist.

“Where are you two off to?” CJ asks coming up behind us. She, too, has changed into more comfortable clothes. If she has an opinion about us with an arm around each other, she doesn’t seem to show it.

“To the mess.” Donna says. “We’re going to raid it for beer and ice cream.”

“Ooh! That sounds good!” CJ says lighting up. “They had those loaded baked potatoes down there today for lunch, too. Maybe we can find some of them to nuke.”

With CJ on board, we head through the corridors down to the mess. Donna and I continue to walk the way we were, but it really is more friendly than anything else. Romantic notions aside, Donna is my closest friend, especially now that Sam’s gone, and I refuse to have that disturbed because of narrow minded people.

And like I said, I know my role tonight. It’s to comfort my broken hearted friend, not ply her with promises that I can’t keep for a while yet to come.

There’s something peaceful about the mess at night, and I’ve never been able to pinpoint it. I don’t know if it’s because it’s so busy during the day that it’s odd to see it empty or what.

“Hey,” Donna says laughing, as she starts to get the coffee machine going. “Remember when Sam told Ainsley there was an all-night pastry chef and she believed it?” I immediately start chuckling at how gullible Ainsley is when food is dangled in her face.

“God, I wish!” CJ says opening refrigerators, and I am on the hunt for spoons. “You know, a lot of jobs have, like, suggestion boxes where you can put in ideas for the company and stuff like that. An all night pasty chef is exactly the kind of thing I’d put in a suggestion box.”

“We do have a suggestion box.”I say. “It’s called voting America.”

“Yeah, but they don’t always have good ideas.” CJ waves off, having finally found her coveted potatoes.

“We should have asked the President to raid the kitchen with us.” Donna says carrying over an obnoxiously large tub of ice cream. “He’d get a pastry chef in here.”

“He’s got a guy in the Residence.” I say. “He doesn’t need to raid the mess.”

“Joshua, where are the beers?” Donna reminds me.

“Opps! Shit.” I say and head off to the refrigerators.

“I’m glad you came out tonight.” CJ says to Donna.

“I’m sorry for causing trouble.” Donna says softly. I don’t think I’m really supposed to hear this.

“He was really upset when he thought it was you.”

“Yeah, I know.” she says. I hate the sound of her voice. I hate when she sounds disappointed in herself.

“You’re really important to him, Donna.” CJ says softly, like it’s a big secret. “He just doesn’t like to see you hurt.”

“I know.”

“I think it’s nice that you guys look out for each other the way you do.” CJ continues. “I wish I had someone like that.”

“Beer!” I say announcing my presence. I really don’t think I could handle some weepy estrogen fest. It’s funny that all three of our first sips are long ones.

“We should toast.” CJ says raising her bottle, and Donna and I follow suit.

“To what?” I ask.

“Old friends and new beginnings.” she smiles.

“Cheers.” Donna smiles.

“I’ll drink to that.” I say.


	21. Chronicles of Joshua, The

February 2003

“Well, you seem to be having fun with Amy.” CJ says from my doorway.

“I’m sorry?” I squeak in return.

CJ walks in my office and closes the door. “Amy,” she continues. “The door falling, the stuff falling off her walls.”

“What makes you think that’s me?”

“How stupid am I?”

“Why am I getting yelled at?” I shoot back. “You’ve been hazing Will like it’s Hell Week during Rush.”

“I haven’t slept with Will and I don’t have a male assistant.”

“What?” I ask. I’m truly at a loss here.

“Josh, Amy used your personal relationship to screw you on the welfare bill, and she just did it again as her coming out as the First Lady’s COS. When does your libido stop?”

“CJ...”

“She played you, again, Josh.” CJ says. “And what’s really upsetting is you let her use Donna to do it.”

“What?” That’s ridiculous. I think I would have known about Amy playing Donna.

“Amy knew you didn’t proof the HHS budget on your own. She knew Donna did it, and she knew Donna was only editing for typos, and not details. She knew Donna wouldn’t catch something like that.” Okay, maybe I totally wouldn’t have seen that.

“Is this punishment, Josh?” When will this conversation end? “Is this because of Jack and the quote?”

“No, CJ.” I sigh rubbing a hand down my face. “It was Sam’s campaign and captured Marines. It was Toby and Charlie getting arrested. There was shit going on and in a thousand years, I wouldn’t have expected something like that to happen.”

“Yeah, well, Donna feels like a first-class idiot over it.” CJ continues. “And now you’re running around like a dog in heat. Amy’s got virtually no respect for Donna and it shows to anyone that’s actually paying attention. Amy’s here to play for the First Lady and she’ll screw you in any way to win, Josh.”

“If Donna’s so upset, why hasn’t she said anything?”

“Yeah, right.” CJ scoffs. “You’re not that clueless.”

“You know, I never interfere with you and your staff, CJ.”

“Because there’s no need to, Joshua.” she shoots back. “How much longer do you think Donna’s going to be happy where she is? How much longer do you think she’ll say no to job offers?”

“Donna doesn’t get job offers.” I chuckle nervously.

“She got an offer for that dot.com last year.” CJ shoots back. “You don’t think people on the Hill want to steal her? You don’t think people in this building want to steal her? She’s loyal to a fault, Josh, but if you keep over winding your toys, sooner or later it’s going to get to even her.”

“I think you’re wrong, CJ.” I say through my teeth. “I don’t appreciate you meddling in my personal life, and I don’t appreciate you meddling with my staff. Not only is it none of your business, but it’s also not your place.”

Yeah, all right. So it’s a low blow bringing rank into the argument. Technically speaking, I may outrank CJ, but she’s just as much a valued member of this administration as I am, but she’s backing me into a corner, and that’s not good for anyone involved.

“Open your eyes, Josh.” she says quietly, shaking her head. Then she turns and leaves my office.

I could have done without that today. I mean, a fucking glacier is melting for crying out loud. I know Donna’s getting restless in her job. I know. I’m not convinced that Amy specifically used Donna. She used the knowledge that I don’t proof that stuff, but I don’t know that she would have known it was specifically Donna reading it.

I do try to find things for her to do. That was actually one of them. How can I figure out where Donna’s strengths are, if I don’t? I can’t just go give her another job, I need to know what she can do. And for the moment, she IS my assistant and she does still have to do the things that come with that job. Carol re-routes press calls and CJ’s perfectly happy keeping her there doing that. She hasn’t let her handle the press in any circumstance. I’m not saying anything bad about Carol, but Donna can handle more than that, and so I trust her with more.

I’m not intentionally holding her back. I need to know where to put her. Yes, I’m reluctant for her to leave my side because I also depend on her so much personally, but it’s not like if she were in another part of the building, I couldn’t go see her.

But it’s more than that. Donna is occasionally in on things that are higher than the normal clearance level of a senior assistant. And a lot of time, she knows what I need based on occasionally having that knowledge. If she’s over in Leg. Affairs, which, quite frankly, is probably where she’d fit in best, she won’t have that knowledge. She won’t have that perception.

She’s more than my assistant; she’s also my security blanket, and I like to have her close. And it should be noted, that though she wants to do more, she hasn’t shown any interest in any job openings in the building. She wants to do more, but she wants to stay with me. Why is that something CJ conveniently doesn’t see?

The problem is, Inauguration night showed me that Donna and I really do need boundaries. She’s my closest friend, and that’s the capacity she needs to stay in...for a while anyway. In order to create those boundaries, Donna and I need to see other people. Or just people in general. I can’t say “other” people, since we’re technically not even seeing each other. It’s just hurting more now than it used to.

I don’t know how much longer we can go before someone calls the hand. I don’t know how much longer we can pretend everything is perfect and we can put on our happy work faces. Amy’s a boundary, and Donna seems to want boundaries.


	22. Chronicles of Joshua, The

April 2003

I’m ready for this evening to be over. My day was fine, but the evening was...well, not. I don’t even know where to begin. All I wanted to do was play poker tonight and lose money with my horrible poker face. Was that too much to ask?

It must have been because Donna comes in with a request to interview a guy for the counsel’s position. I don’t want to interview a guy; I want to interview Ainsley Hayes. Apparently, I was.

Well, I ended up hiring Donna’s hottie, so I’ll have that to deal with. Donna thinks he’s hot, and he’s a Republican. Add to the fact that he’ll be working almost as crazy hours as Donna, and you have yourself a Donna trifecta.

I was freaked out by the shooting tonight, but not for the reason Donna might think, and it’s pretty much the reason why I wasn’t interested in calling Stanley.

Donna got a death threat the other day. I saw it before I turned it over to the secret service. Donna hasn’t seen it and she doesn’t know about it. But, I will never forget it. The horrid penmanship that looked like it was written by someone completely lacking in any kind of formal education. Well, they must have been if they thought Donna was a good government employee to shoot.

‘I’ve collected all the guns you’ve banned and there’s a bullet in each one with your name on it.’  
The words have been scrolling through my head like a screen saver each time I pause in something I’m doing.

I don’t know what the hell possessed me to tell Joe about it. Maybe I was trying to give him insight into what life is like working in the White House.

I didn’t hear the shots; I heard the First Noel and I knew what it meant. And for one horrible moment, quite possibly the most horrible moment of my life, I thought the guy had come for Donna. I knew as long as she was in the White House, she’d be safe, but that’s probably my worst nightmare.

She was being relatively snarky the other day when she said she was going to be an “also dead,” though I think they’ll get her name right, and ever since Rosslyn, that’s been my nightmare whenever she goes anywhere with me when we travel with the President. To this day, I don’t know why I didn’t make her come to the Newseum with us that night. She loves listening to the President speak. I couldn’t think of anything for her to do, and she seemed to like the idea of the night off, so I never pushed it.

I asked Ron specifically if the shooter had any connection to the letter Donna got and he assured me he didn’t, which means that wacko is still out there. I know, I know it’s not credible. I know that. That’s some disgruntled gun owning Republican who felt better just having mailed that, felt that he exercised some kind of Constitutional right, but the fact that he knew Donna’s name means he did research. It’s not like Donna’s name hits the papers...ever.

Donna went home a little while ago and I tried to go back to the poker game, but it wasn’t happening for me, so I left.

As I drag myself up the stairs, I begin to see the shape of someone sitting outside my door and I smile. Things have been strange with us since Amy started working at the White House.

And that right there is the glaring difference between Donna and Amy. I haven’t even heard from Amy tonight. Not even a brief phone call to make sure no one was hurt, and Donna was relentless.

“Why didn’t you use your key?” I greet, and her head snaps up to look at me. She was obviously lost in thought.

“Um...well, I wasn’t really sure if you were going to be alone or not.” she hedges standing up.

There’s those dreaded boundaries again. But in this situation, she’s decided boundaries be damned it seems.

“Well, you can see that I am.” I say gesturing around me. I’m really glad to see her, standing in front of my apartment and just breathing.

This is why I didn’t call Stanley. I can’t explain it to him. Hell, I don’t know that I can explain it to me.

“I just....” she starts. “I’m sorry I was so persistent tonight about Stanley. I just...I worry about you, Josh. That was the worst thing I ever went through in my life, and I can only imagine what it was like for you.”

Tears are starting to stream down her face, and I can’t have that.

“Hey, hey, hey.” I say softly, wrapping my arms around her. “Don’t do this. I’m all right. And don’t apologize for looking after me like that. If there’s anything I learned from that whole experience, Donna, it was to trust your judgement in that arena.”

“Yeah, I know.” she says wiping her hands and taking a step back. “But, you said not to call him, and I did anyway.”

“It’s all right. Really.” I nod.

“All right.” she nods.

I unlock my apartment door and we both walk inside.

“So, what did you think of Joe?”

“I hired your Republican hottie.” I smirk heading to the fridge for beer.

“You have an excellent sense about these things, Joshua.” she says smiling.

“Well, he was really ridiculously qualified.” I reply, popping the tops off the bottles. “I couldn’t find an angle not to hire him, other than the Republican thing, and Leo already set the precedent for that.”

“In addition to being handsome and powerful, you’re extremely intelligent.” she says dropping down onto the couch.

So, I heard Donna’s husky voice today. That’s a sound that’s going to linger. Between the voice and the eyes, she’s lucky I didn’t throw her up against the wall right there. Well, I guess we’re both lucky, seeing as how we would have gotten fired.

“Yeah, well, if you start spending too much time in the basement, your Gomer’s going to OEOB.” I say, dropping down on the other end of the couch.

I look over at her and she’s smiling at me. She’s got her hair up today, which she doesn’t do nearly as much as I wish she did. She’s got a very sweet appearance to her today, and it makes me wonder what she possibly could have done in the public eye to make that wacko focus his aggression on her.

She doesn’t like Amy working in the building. She tries to hide it, but I can tell. I don’t know what’s going on with Amy. She runs hot and cold. I keep thinking she and I are a good idea, but I know we’re not in the long run. But, when I think about Amy, I don’t think about the long run. I think that Amy’s an attractive distraction for a little while. I do care about her, I just don’t love her. She succeeds in keeping my mind off Donna, at least in the way I can’t have her.

Lately, more than ever, I think that Donna and I are headed in that direction, and while I can’t wait for that day to come, it’s got to be right. There’s got to be no one else; there’s got to be the threat of no one else; and there’s got to be no chance that someone can drag her reputation through the mud.

Because she IS Miss American Pie. She is everything that’s good about our country and our government and she deserves so much better than that.


	23. Chronicles of Joshua, The

November 2003

I’ve always thought I had a thick skin. There are many things that I can handle: extreme pain, losing a political fight, mean op ed pieces, political upsets. Donna’s disappointment? Not one of them. I would rather swallow glass than disappoint her. And she was disappointed in me. She tried to put it aside, but I can see it underneath there.

I’ve been a maniac for months. The VP vetting process, well, let’s just say it didn’t bring out the best in me. I got saddled with an intern from hell, and one I can’t fire, which means Donna got saddled with the intern from hell. I was hanging on by a very frayed rope during Zoey’s disappearance.

That’s when it started. It was a stressful time all around and, well, Amy and I found a way to get through it to relieve some stress. Donna avoided the topic of Amy like the plague. We’ve always shown a certain amount of jealousy when one of us was seeing someone, but this was different.

When Carrick’s defection hit and Amy got fired, everything between she and I ended. She got fired from the White House and I was a pariah. The last thing either one of our careers needed was to be seen around Washington together. Donna had tried a couple of times to get me to go see how Amy was doing, but it didn’t seem like she really meant it, more so like she was fishing for information.

Amy and I weren’t actually together again, we were just sleeping together. But somehow, I felt sleazy admitting that to Donna. She figured it out though, and dropped the subject of Amy for good. When Donna found out about Amy, she just had this look on her face. I’d never seen it before, and in that moment, I felt like I had cheated on her. It was a bizarre feeling. Once Amy was gone, Donna seemed to relax a bit. It was almost like she felt like she was allowed to be my friend again.

Then freaking Carrick happened. What an asshole. It’s not even so much what he did, or even the way he did it, it’s that I didn’t make a single move without Leo’s okay. Leo wasn’t always in agreement with me, but he signed off on it nonetheless, and then completely and totally abandoned me. That hurts nearly as much as Donna’s disappointment.

To say Donna’s been a champ during all this is an understatement. Leo brought in Angela Blake and benched me. I should have resigned then and there, but I didn’t want to go out like that. Even though the knife is plunged pretty deep, I can’t leave like this. I don’t want it to look like I was forced out. But I’ll say this now, my time here IS limited.

Donna pulled out this whole accordion file of stuff to do. It was a good idea, and a valiant effort on her part, but it just twisted that knife more.

And then the final straw was the budget negotiations. Donna and I spent endless hours on the prep work. She was none too thrilled when I sent her to Angela with everything else. Quite frankly, she’s not the only one. Professionally speaking, she’s more useful where she is with Angela. Personally speaking, I want her here.

I want her here with me because things are better when she’s around. I mean, after all, she’s the whole reason I get out of freaking bed and come here every day. It’s not like I have anything to do. But, I do, however, have Donna. I have Donna here. And so it gives me the motivation I need to walk into this building every day when I feel like it’s suffocating me. I’ve actually begun to think about all the job offers that have been rolling through. But, I’m steadfast, mostly, in my resolve to leave at a time that’s opportune to me.

Donna kept encouraging me to go talk to Leo. Ever since the shutdown, she thought he had to be getting desperate. I can’t believe the President shut down the federal government like that. Leo is fit to be tied, and everybody knows it. They are absolutely not together on this. Maybe since I wasn’t on the inside and was on the outside, I have a different perspective. Am I the only one that remembers the man has a Nobel Peace Prize in economics? Am I the only one who remembers that he actually does know what he’s talking about here?

I don’t know why he was doing what was doing. And if he explained it to me, I wouldn’t understand anyway. But when the President is this stubborn about something, it’s something he really believes in, and he usually ends up being right.

Leo hated my idea of going to the Hill. He absolutely hated it, and he made no bones about letting me and the President know about it. But the President had a plan, and I was asked to develop a strategy to put him in a position to execute it, and everything just fell in my lap from there.

Angela may be a good negotiator, but she’s not a strategist on any level. She may be able to crunch numbers and play hardball, but she can’t come up with something like I did. And the President went right along with everything I said. He was maneuvered perfectly, on national television no less, into a position where Haffley had to beg. In the end, the entire budget breakdown looked like the Republican’s fault. And that is why I’m so damn good at my job. That was my opportunity to remind everyone what exactly it is I do here and why they wanted me for my job.

It was truly a beautiful thing to behold.

Why oh why could it not have been an election year? I would have killed for something like that during re-election.

So, now I’m back in the President’s good graces, if not exactly Leo’s, which at the moment I’m fine with. I’ll do an end run around Leo for a while and see how he likes it. In my life, I never would have expected politics to come between us. Maybe I was naive in thinking that, but Leo’s made some pretty bold promises in our relationship, and I have to say, I believed him.

So, now Toby, Will, and I are here in the Roosevelt Room and Donna’s just getting ready to go. Donna’s done some stellar things in this job, but I swear I don’t think she’s done anything that I’ve been more proud of her for than that one little catch on social security. I can’t imagine the disaster that would have ensued had someone not seen that. Even Toby was suitably impressed.

As she gets ready to leave again, I abandon Toby and Will and follow her out.

“Donna?” I ask.

“Yeah?” she turns around and is smiling at me. Her eyes look a little wet, too. Damn, is it really so little that I tell her I’m proud of her? And I miss this particular smile of hers, too. There’s pride in her smile, and that’s not something I’ve seen from her in a while.

“You heading back home?” I ask.

“Yeah.” she said. “I’ve got to be in work early tomorrow, right?”

“Yeah.” I smile back. “Wait for me. I’ll head out with you.”

She nods and hangs out there by the Roosevelt Room while I quickly run back to my office and grab my stuff. When I get back to her, she loops her arm through mine and we head out of the lobby.

“So, Wilt Chamberlain, it’s got to be good to be back.” she smiles as we leave the gates and head down the sidewalk.

“Yeah, I guess.” I nod. Mainly, it’s nice to see her smile at me again. Without any kind of spoken agreement, I start to walk her home. It’s just nice to talk to her again. Moments like this are my apologies for being a jackass and she knows it.

“Do you think he set you up, Josh?” she asks as we walk along.

“Leo?” I ask.

“Yeah.”

“No.” I say, but she says nothing. “You think so?”

“I don’t know.” she shrugs. “It kind of has that feel to it.”

“Yeah, it does.” I admit.

“I’m really proud of you, Josh.” she whispers. “You did good.”

“Only because you demand it.” I say softly back. She drops her head on my shoulder for a couple of steps before picking it back up again. Damn. I wish she would have left it there a little longer.

“The whole country saw that.” she says. “You outdid even you.”

“Yeah? Did they like it at your shutdown party?”

“Oh, the women did.” she laughs.

“Yeah? Anyone I might like?”

“You’re such a pig sometimes.” she smiles smacking my arms. “Is that all you think about?”

“Not remotely.” I say. “But yeah, a lot.”

“Why don’t you try standing on your own two feet for a little while there, Casanova?” she says with an eye roll.

Her tone was completely jovial and friendly, but if I didn’t know better, I’d think she just asked me not to see anyone. Am I nuts? I must be nuts? 

“You make it sound like I’m Washington’s playboy.” I chuckle. “I’ve had one girlfriend in six years.”

“Thank God you’re not. I can’t keep up with the flowers to Congress.” she says. “You ARE one of this town’s most eligible bachelors.”

“Are you kidding me? Where’d you hear that?”

“The girls at the shutdown party.” she says.

“That’s valuable information.”

“No, that’s information in the wrong hands.”

“Well, since we’re agreed I’m an idiot at relationships, I don’t think we really need to worry about me becoming a man whore.”

“Thank God for small mercies.” she groans as we approach her building. She stops and turns to me. “Well, thank you, Joshua. This was very chivalrous of you.” I shrug a shoulder and suddenly, everything about this situation feels like the ending to a date. I see the moment she realizes it too because she begins to fidget. I put a hand on the back of her head and pull her forward, placing a kiss on her forehead and wishing like I never wished before that it could be more.

“Thank you, Donnatella.” I say softly.

“For?”

“Your unfailing faith in me.”

She smiles and I turn and start to walk away, but stop when I hear her softly call my name. When I see her face, her smile seems to have turned sad. “I just wanted to tell you, that when you meet the right woman, I don’t think you’re going to be an idiot at the relationship.”


	24. Chronicles of Joshua, The

January 2004

You know, in looking back through this....whatever it is, journal, I suppose, it was supposed to be about my political highs and lows in the event one day I wanted to write memoirs. The entire freaking thing is about Donna.

Well, when in Rome....

She and I have had an interesting month. Interesting FEW months actually. She and I feel on track again, and I can’t remember the last time I felt this happy. I really can’t. We’re working well together, we’re playful, we’re bantering again. It’s like we’re fixing us. We’re tactile again, and if anyone has a problem with it, they don’t seem to want to get involved.

The night President Lassiter died, before we found out and we were getting ready to leave for Ford’s Theater, she looked amazing. I couldn’t keep my eyes off her, and I couldn’t stop checking her out.

It goes to show you how in sync we are again because I totally fell for that mind control thing. She had me hook, line, and sinker. That just goes to show you the faith and trust I put in Donna because I really should have seen that coming. I’m a relatively intelligent guy, for crying out loud.

That stuck with me for a while. In fact, it’s STILL stuck with me. Sixteen. I mean, SIXTEEN!? Yes, by the way, I had Mike Casper dig up Freddy Briggs. He’s in the Air Force, pretty upstanding guy. Lucky for Freddy, he’s stationed in Korea right now. Sixteen....the pig.... okay. I need to get past that.

I shamelessly followed her around that night, too. That shows you how well Donna’s mastered the mind control bit.

Then came the pardons. For reasons passing my understanding, Donna really took them to heart. Well, no. That’s not true. They are not reasons passing my understanding. That’s typical Donna and her compassion. These are all criminals we’re talking about here. Yes, they are non-violent and we’re talking about all drug offenses, but nonetheless, they broke federal law. They’re criminals.

Did they deserve the harsh sentences imposed? No. But, at the end of the day, they broke the law, and they’re criminals. And Donna somehow found a way to feel sorry for them. From a place in her heart that I get to see woefully little of, she had compassion for these people. So much so that when Donovan Morrissey committed suicide, she ran crying from the White House.

I watch her in the Mural Room now talking to the families of those who were pardoned, as well as those pardoned. They all thank her for her tireless work and she looks barely together. I watch her politely excuse herself and I follow her out. She heads right for The Rose Garden, and as soon as I’m through the doors, she knows it’s me that followed her.

“I’m sorry, Josh.” she says softly wiping her eyes. “I’ll be back in in a minute, I just needed air.”

“It’s all right.” I say stepping in front of her and rubbing her arms that are crossed in front of her.

“I know. But, you just keep chasing after me tonight.”

“I don’t mind. I just want to make sure you’re all right.”

She brings a hand up to her mouth as a sob escapes her, followed by another one, and in seconds, she’s coming to pieces in my arms. I don’t know how long it is that we stand there as she cries in my arms, but I’m content to just stay here with her until she pulls it together again. I’ve never been one to handle her crying well, probably because she doesn’t do it all that often.

“You want to go inside and find someplace quiet to talk about it?” I offer. “It’s kind of cold out here.”

“There’s a lot of people inside.” she says, wiping her eyes.

“There’s also a lot of alcohol inside.” I counter.

“Good point.” she says with a sniff.

I take her hand and lead her back inside. Once we’re through the doors, I still don’t let go, but relieve a passing waiter of his entire tray of wine. There’s six glasses on it. That should get us a while. Figuring we’d be interrupted anywhere in the West Wing, I finally lead us to a secluded staircase that leads up to the Residence and settle us about half way up. Only the Secret Service or the First Family will be coming this way tonight.

She takes a glass of white, I take a glass of red, and we toast. To what, I have no clue, but we sit quietly for a little while before she finally speaks.

“I feel like such an idiot.” she says shaking her head. “I didn’t even know him.”

“Don’t feel like an idiot, Donna. It’s my fault. I put you on this project and snowed you in with their life stories. I should have given it to one of the Assistant Deputies. I just knew you’d be thorough.” It’s a crappy excuse, but at least it’s the truth.

“It’s all right.” she says. “I’m glad you trusted me with it. I like working on the important stuff with you. I’d just think by now, after working here for so long and seeing the things we do, and experiencing the things we do, I’d have learned not to get so close to these things.”

 

“I’m sorry you’re hurting, Donna, but I’m really glad you still feel this way about this stuff.” She looks up at me and smiles a bit. “The fact that you haven’t turned completely cynical in this job is one of the things that I admire most about you.”

“Really?”

“Really.” I nod.

“Thanks, Josh.”

“I know I don’t say it often, Donna, but you really do a good job. I trust that whatever I hand you, you’re going to do it right, and there’s not a lot of people in that bullpen I can say that about.”

“I really got girly on you tonight, didn’t I?” she laughs.

“You really did.” I chuckle back.

“Sorry. I know you hate that.”

“Newsflash, Donna. You’re a girl. It’s going to happen from time to time.”

“I know. But, I don’t usually get all girly on YOU.”

“It’s okay. I don’t mind.”

I move up a step to grab more wine, and when I do, she lays her head on my leg and sighs. I hand a glass of wine to her over her shoulder and she lifts her head to take a sip before returning to her spot. Before I can talk myself out of it, my hand goes to her hair and begins to stroke.

“Hiding out?” comes a voice above us. We both scramble to our feet, surprisingly without toppling any wine.

“Dr. Bartlet!” Donna squeaks. “I’m so sorry!”

“Don’t be.” she says waving us off. “I heard you had quiet a night, Donna.” She pulls a glass of wine off the tray and sits down herself on the steps, motioning for us to join her.

“Yeah, I guess.” Donna says nervously. “Sorry. I must seem like....”

“There’s no sorry about it, Donna.” Abbey says. “Jed really had a hard time with this decision tonight. You don’t know this, but there’s a bit of a back story here that I won’t get into. It came into play here though.”

“I’m sure he did, ma’am.” Donna says.

“It was nice to see Josh with his fire back though.” Abbey smiles knowingly up at me. Shit. I know where this is going. I’m about to get busted.

“I’m sorry?” Donna asks shaking her head.

“Jed wasn’t going to pardon everyone. He was going to keep the list small like Leo and the others were telling him to, but Josh went into the Oval Office and fought for everyone on the list. It seemed pretty important to him.”

She winks at me, then stands up and continues down the stairs with her wine and Secret Service entourage. When she’s gone, we resume our spots on the stairs. Donna looks up at me and arches a brow.

“This was because of you?”

“No.” I say softly. “This was because of you.”

She smiles, then closes her eyes. “I think I’m getting a headache.”

I put my wine down and tap the step in front of me. “Come here.”

“Why?” she looks very suspicious.

“Just come here.” I sigh.

She moves to sit in front of me and as I look down at her sitting between my legs, I see the stupidity of this particular plan. Well, it’s too late now. I pull the barrette out that was holding her hair in place and gently begin to massage her scalp. She groans in response. Yeah, this was definitely a bad idea.

But, it’s quiet, and no one’s around, and for once, it’s nice to do something for her to help her relax. After all, it’s my fault she’s in this kind of shape tonight.

Her hair is silky and it falls through my fingers. It’s a feeling I’m probably going to think of every time I see her now.

The scalp massage moves to her neck now, and she drops her head forward as I continue on to her shoulders. Not surprisingly, she’s really tense.

“This is a switch.” she groans. She really needs to stop with the turn on noises.

“You’ve never given me a massage.”

“Still.”

“I can acknowledge when you’ve had a bad day, Donna.” I reply softly.

“Thank you. This is nice.”

“My pleasure.” And it really is.

When I’m done, I brush her hair over her shoulders. Then she does something rather surprising. She turns, wraps her arms around me and lays her head on my chest, closing her eyes. I drop my feet down one more step to prevent her from, you know, tumbling down the stairs.

This is a rare quiet moment for us. It’s late, or rather early, and I don’t know how long it’ll last. But, for now, I’m content to sit here and let her sleep.


	25. Chronicles of Joshua, The

February 2004

Donna hates this space stuff. She’s been annoyed at me since she heard Alex invite me stargazing. She’s so jealous, and she’s so pissed it shows. I, on the other hand, am ecstatic that it shows.

Alex is very attractive. I won’t deny that. She’s also incredibly brilliant. Any man with actual intelligence would be interested in her. But there are two things stopping me.

One, Donna. This thing between us keeps getting closer and closer to the surface. I can see how hard it is for her right now to hide it, and I don’t think the boundary theory is working anymore for either one of us. I can’t hurt her that way anymore. I can’t go out with someone again simply to try to forget how I feel about Donna. That obviously doesn’t work. If I still feel this way about her after all this time, I doubt I’ll stop ever. Which now means Donna’s the one for me. What the hell I’m going to do about that, I have no idea.

Second, and more importantly, the one I can hide behind is it’s wildly inappropriate for the Deputy Chief of Staff to date a NASA Administrator, actually anyone in a position like her’s really. We control their budget. That’s, like, unfair influence all over the place there. She batted her eyes at me, as Donna says, and so I’ll look into her request, though it’s, like, impossible and never going to happen, but I won’t see her in a non-professional capacity.

But, of course, I can’t tell Donna that.

Donna comes back in and she still has that wistful look on her face she had before after I played out my argument to her. I love that she can still find me inspiring.

“You’re still working on this?” she asks sounding a bit surprised.

“Well...yeah.”

“Josh, not for nothing, but if you know it’s never going to happen, don’t you think you should spend a little less time on it?” She starts puttering around my office, picking up files to put away.

“No. I’m trying to turn it into something I can sell the President on.” I sigh.

“You’re not selling this to the President, Josh. You’re selling it to Leo. The President will sign on for this ridiculousness as it stands. He gets all caught up in the romance of space. Don’t you remember Galileo?”

I look up at her and suddenly I wish I went stargazing with her last night. It is romantic when you’re with the right person and not someone spewing numbers and statistics at you while you’re looking at Mars.

“Attractive NASA administrator aside, Donna, it is important stuff.”

“Oh, so you admit you find her attractive?” she shoots back. “But, then again, smart, brunette, and female, what’s not for you to like there?”

Whoa! I can’t believe she just said that.

“Donna.” I sigh running a hand down my face.

“Sorry.”

“No, it’s not that. It’s... I mean, any man with a pulse is going to find her attractive.”

“Admit it, Josh, she’s your type.”

“She’s really not.” I reply softly and Donna finally makes eye contact with me.

“History argues otherwise.” she says, and I swear to God, there’s almost a sneer there.

“History has proven that what I thought was my type is actually a recipe for disaster.” Ha! Take that.

“True.” she concedes with a slight smile. I break eye contact with her first because she’ll see too much in my eyes, if I don’t. The air is starting to get a little thick in here. She leaves with an armload of files and I prop my chin on my hand and stare at the empty doorway.

I wish I could tell her that she’s my type. I wish I could tell her that I’m sick of dating women that want something from me professionally. I wish I could tell women like Alex the real reason I won’t see them socially. It’s not like Alex was the first one to use the fact that she’s an attractive woman to try to get something from me. She’s just the first one Donna’s busted doing it. Congresswomen and female lobbyists do it all the time. Hell that lawyer from South Carolina tried it with that Bill of Rights. I don’t know what kind of vibe I give off that makes women think they can get to me with sex.

Okay. Maybe they could once. Maybe there was a pattern for a little while, but that’s not the case now. Been there; done that; have the emotional scars to prove it.

Women like that shatter the confidence of a guy like me. They make me think that any woman that approaches me in the political arena wants something politically, which only solidifies Donna to me. She doesn’t want anything from me. Well, I think she DOES, but it’s not something I’m in a position to give right now. I wish I was. I really, really wish I was.

She deserves to be happy. She deserves to be with someone that makes her happy. Someone that can give her the attention she deserves and worship her like she deserves. Maybe that’s not me though. Maybe while she’s the one for me, I’m not the one for her.

God, how depressing is that thought?

But, maybe it’s true. Maybe these tall, brunette, power hungry, man eating women is who I’m destined to be with. Maybe I’ve epitomized Donna into something she’s not. I mean, it’s her job to take care of me. It’s her job to do things for me. We all know I’m not always right in the head and maybe this is some sort of crazy delusion I’ve created.

“Josh?”

I’m startled by her standing over my shoulder. I didn’t even see her come in. She puts a steaming mug of coffee down in front of me. My heart starts to beat faster and I can taste the adrenaline in my mouth. I’m heading quickly for a panic attack. I look up at her with I’m sure the alarm I’m feeling showing clearly in my eyes, until I see that she’s got one, too.

She puts her mug down on my desk, then drags a chair around to my side. When she’s got her chair next to mine, she sits down, tucks her legs underneath her and picks up her mug.

“Okay.” she says. “Tell me what you’ve got so far.”

Oh my God, I think I just fell in love with her all over again. This IS the woman for me. And dammit, I am the man for her, and I’ll take anyone who says otherwise out back to the woodshed.

I pick my mug up and look at her pointedly before I make a big show out of taking a sip.

“Mmm....” I smirk obnoxiously and she rolls her eyes.

“Don’t you dare get used to it.” she fires back. “This is what happens when I do something nice for you; when I do something purely out of the kindness of my heart. You don’t deserve me, you know.”

“I do know that.” I say back. She’s kidding around, but it’s true. I so don’t deserve her in any capacity, professional or otherwise, but since I’m a selfish man, I don’t care.

She pulls some of the reports in front of me over to her and sighs. “Galileo Galilei, space’s original explorer.”

“That’s good.” I encourage her. She smiles shyly.

She contributes so much more than she thinks. In all seriousness, this is something I should be working on with an assistant deputy. It’s why I have five of them. But they don’t look at things the way Donna does, and they don’t inspire me the way Donna does, and they sure as hell aren’t as pretty as Donna is.

Plus, they’re afraid of me. They just sit there and work, and “yes, sir; no, sir; I’ll look into that, sir.” me the entire time. If Donna calls me “sir,” I am in TROUBLE.

She and I work well into the wee hours of the morning, debating, bantering, laughing, and admittedly getting caught up in the romance of Voyager out there among the stars in the perpetually quiet night.


	26. Chronicles of Joshua, The

March 2004

“Donnatella!”

“Oh. My. God.”

“I’m a little drunk.”

“This is the WHITE HOUSE, Josh.”

She sounds massively annoyed.

“I’ve been drunk in the White House before.”

Oh, and she was pissed off that time, too. Oops. At least I don’t smell like I did that time. And there’s no women’s underwear around my neck. And this time, she’s got no reason to put me in all-weather gear as revenge.

“How did you get this way?”

“Ritchie Rich was right.” I slur a bit. “I really shouldn’t have tried to keep up with his uncle.”

“Senator Pierce got you like this!?”

“Sshh... Donnatella, honey, please don’t yell like that.” She raises her eyebrow at me. Might have been the ‘honey’ thing.

“You need coffee.” she announces. She grabs my hand and drags me through the bullpen before pushing me down in her chair. “Stay.” she says pointing her finger at me and taking off. Ooh, forceful Donna. I like that. Do you think she’d be like that in bed? I should probably make an effort not to say that out loud.

I spin in her chair until I get dizzy, doesn’t take long, then pull myself right up to her desk and start playing with everything on it. I pick up the cookie tin her mother sent her and pull one out. I could probably use something in my stomach to absorb this whiskey, so I stuff a couple into my mouth.

God! These things are disgusting drunk, too! I choke them down though for the good of Evelyn Baker Lang. The President hates me right now. He can’t stand Christopher Mulreedy, but I sold him on it. Toby hated the idea at first, too, but then he saw how brilliant they are together. Mulreedy and Lang just love sparring with each other. And they don’t take positions you’d think they would either.

And I don’t care what Toby thinks, Evvy Lang’s shoes ARE nice!

“Donnatella!” I sing when I see her heading back with coffee. She pushes it in my hand and takes everything on her desk out of my reach. I take a sip of coffee and immediately spit it out. “It’s cold!”

“Shut up and drink it, Joshua.” she hisses. Ooh, she is not amused. “I can’t believe you got drunk in the White House, with the President still here, with the Senate Majority Leader. Where’s your brain?”

Damn, I’m in a lot of trouble.

“Hey, he was totally into your idea.”

“It wasn’t MY idea.” she says immediately. “It was YOUR hair brained scheme.”

“You inspired me.” I shrug and she pauses a second.

“Joshua, you can’t go see the President drunk.” She says taking the sting out of her tone. “And you can’t go back to Senator Pierce like this either.”

“Oh, it’s okay.” I nod. “CJ’s in there now. He’s getting her wasted. I got some time to sober up.”

“You sent CJ in there?” she groans, then picks up the phone, dials and waits, throwing me a clearly annoyed and disgusted look. “Carol? It’s Donna. CJ’s in the Mural Room getting drunk with Senator Pierce.” She puts the phone back down and looks over at me. “Keep drinking.”

I take another sip of the disgusting coffee and look up at her in awe. It’s weird to see how things work behind the scenes with the assistants. I’m starting to see how it is that they know things so fast. I thought they had some sort of extrasensory perception, but apparently, they just communicate telephonically with each other. The simplicity of it astounds me.

I’m stunned to see a blur that is Carol go hauling past us mumbling something about The Jackal. Oh my God! Can you imagine if CJ does The Jackal for Senator Pierce? How funny would that be? I totally don’t want to miss that! I start to rise out of the chair but Donna pushes me back down and it rolls back a little bit.

“I don’t know where the hell you think you’re going.”

“What if CJ does The Jackal for Senator Pierce?” I ask innocently, and she looks at me with a look of extreme incredulousness.

“Carol’s going to pull her drunk ass out of there right now.” Donna replies. “There will be no Jackal in the Mural Room.”

Damn, I was really looking forward to that, too.

“Donna?” I ask. She doesn’t answer me, so I tug on her shirt.

“What are you, four?” she asks smacking my hand away.

“I thought I should thank you for being so brilliant before.” I reply.

“You don’t think you should thank me for sobering your drunk ass up in the White House and saving you from getting fired....again?” she shoots back.

“Oh, that too.” I nod. “Are you not proud of me, Donna?”

“Not for the getting drunk bit.” she replies.

“Oh.” I say and my face falls.

“But, maybe a little bit for the other thing.” she hedges, and I smile huge.

“You really do so much more than you think.” I say quietly.

“Don’t you dare.” she says rounding on me, and pointing forcefully at me. “Do not turn into profound drunk Josh. Water. You need water right now. You need to hydrate.” And she takes off again.

Well, that was typical. One of us is a little bit more honest than normal, and the other one goes running for the hills. Is it no wonder we’re stuck in the mud? One wheel’s spinning; and the other one’s doing nothing. With this thought, I realize that I’m actually more sober than I thought. Donna killed my buzz.

She returns and thrusts a bottle of Poland Spring in my hand, and I dutifully take off the cap and drain most of it.

Why can’t she see how much she matters? Why can’t she just, for once, acknowledge the importance of what she does? She IS invaluable to me. I wasn’t just saying that to get at Ryan. If she just looked at that through my eyes, she’d see that. She’d see so much.

“I’m fine.” I say quietly handing her back the bottle of water. “Thanks.”

“Josh?” she asks cautiously.

“I have to get back in there and seriously talk to the Senator.” I reply standing up.

“Josh, wait.”

“It’s fine, Donna.” I reply. “I’m fine. Thanks.”

I walk away from her and I can’t help thinking that the wheels are falling off the wagon again. Maybe I am still a little drunk and I’m just hitting that forlorn stage. Things don’t feel right though. I know Donna well, and she just doesn’t seem like she’s as happy as she used to be. Sometimes I don’t know how to get through to her. She still gives 100 percent, she’d never give less.

I take a deep breath before pushing open the door of the Mural Room. At least there’s something in here I can fix.


	27. Chronicles of Joshua, The

May 2004

Our rhythm has been off since the Correspondence Dinner. I’m not really sure why because we had a great time at the Correspondence Dinner, but something’s been wrong.

Lately, her dissatisfaction in her job has been glaringly obvious. But she hasn’t said anything about changing jobs or doing something different, so I don’t know what more I can do. This has been practically consuming me. I can’t concentrate at work. She actually gave me the silent treatment and I need Donna to talk to me. And it’s not just that I need it to do my job, I NEED her to talk to me. Donna’s constant chatter is a mainstay in my life. It’s a constant reminder that I’m not actually alone. Donna giving me the silent treatment...it just doesn’t work.

The night before she left for Gaza, I couldn’t take it anymore and I called her. She sounded annoyed when she picked up the phone, but I didn’t let that stop me.

“Donna, I know something’s not right between us. And to be honest with you, I have no idea what it is, and if it’s something I did, I promise to wrack my brain while you’re gone to figure it out, so I can take my beating like a man when you get back. But, I didn’t want you to go without telling you something first.”

There’s a pause at the other end of the line. “Okay.”

“This is one of the most dangerous regions on Earth. Please, please promise me you have extensively read and memorized the section of the briefing books that deal with security, and please, please promise me you will adhere to absolutely everything they tell you to do and not do anything they tell you not to.” I totally rambled just then, but I’m desperate that she be careful over there. I’ve been arguing with myself about pulling her off the trip at the last minute. She’d hate me for it, but at least she’d be home and safe and hating me.

I couldn’t bring myself to do it though. She was just so happy I got her on it that I just couldn’t disappoint her that way.

God, I wish I did it.

“There’s a lot of security coming with us, Josh.” she says. “Not to mention the Israeli Army, oh, and the former Chairman of the Joint Chiefs.”

“Who is going strictly in an observatory fashion and not taking the Navy with him.” I reply.

“Josh, you’re getting worked up over nothing.” she says using what she thinks I think is her soothing voice, but I know it’s her placating voice. And I’m not getting worked up over nothing. Horrible things happen to the people I love, and if something happened to her...

“Donnatella....” I plead softly.

“I promise.” she says softly.

“Thank you.”

And so that’s where we left it.

And now, I’m sitting by her bed, waiting for her to wake up from surgery. I’ve never been so scared in my life. Not even when I was shot was I this scared, and I was pretty scared then. If I lose Donna, there’s nothing left for me. I don’t even like my job anymore. The very thought of losing her sends me into a panic attack.

Let me be very plain about something. I did not send Donna on the CODEL to shut her up. She wanted to grow in her job. I’m trying to figure out how to give her what she wants and not lose her at the same time. I’m trying to help her grow in her job, and still work for me.

But the problem is, and always has been, that I am powerless against her. She batted her eyes and stuck her lip out and told me she wanted to do more in her job and I moved Heaven, Earth, and the State Department to give this to her. It’s like I just can’t say no to her. That’s how I got into this situation to begin with. I couldn’t say no to her on the Helsinki trip, even though I knew I wasn’t going to be able to get her on it. I was trying to make amends to her for that.

I don’t remember much between the time CJ told me about the bombing and now. That’s a very bad thing. I remember being absolutely frantic. I remember not being able to breathe. I only know that I talked to Donna’s parents because her mother thanked me when she got here.

I know Leo let me come here, but I don’t remember what I said to convince him. Did I threaten to quit? I can’t remember. It must have been something relatively passionate for him to let me leave the United States, much less the White House, during a time of crisis like this, especially given the strained relationship he and I have had for the last six months. But, Leo made all that up to me in that moment when he let me go. I forgave him for everything.

So I’ve been here in her hospital room for.... you know, I have no idea what day it is. I think I’ve been here for two days. I’m not sure. All this waiting is kind of making time stand still.

Let me tell you, the last thing I expected was this photojournalist. How can I beg her forgiveness with this IRA bagman hanging around? What is he even doing here? Looking for a Pulitzer? Every time he walks through the door, I scan his body for his camera. I swear to God, if he takes a picture of her like this, I will add another patient to this hospital, a severely battered one at that. She’s the sole survivor of the bombing on the American delegation, and if he’s looking for an exclusive, I will bury him. I swear to God, I will order him taken out of here. It’s an American military hospital and I have the diplomatic ranking of a three star general and everyone outside this room knows it. I will invoke it to protect her.

But if I’m honest with myself, I don’t think that’s what’s going on here. I don’t think that’s what the issue is. Because that would be easy and that wouldn’t be complicated. Donna’s setting up a boundary, and I don’t know why because I’ve been trying to figure out what to do about the personal us. She wants it. I know she does, I can see it, and I can feel it. But this guy’s here, so something’s going on.

I talked with Donna’s mother for a long time. She said the most interesting thing to me. I apologized to her for Donna not getting home that much to see them. She told me that Donna called them up a few Christmases ago and said not to expect to see her that much because the day was going to come when the administration ended and she wasn’t going to be allowed in the White House anymore the way she is now, and she wanted to savor every second she could while she had free roam of the place.

Not for a second in our near six years there have I thought of it like that. It never occurred to me that when we’re done there, I’m not going to be allowed to come and go as I please. I’m going to have a limited visitor’s pass. But that’s the way Donna thinks of it.

Or thought of it.

She’s clearly not as enchanted with it as she once was. Working in that building, at least in the capacity she is now, has obviously lost it’s luster.

For a little while I thought it was me that lost my luster with her. But when she asked for me before her surgery, and I went in there and saw the naked fear in her eyes, I knew it wasn’t me.

Not the personal me anyway.

I held her hand as she fell asleep on the hospital table and I knew without a doubt that it wasn’t unrequited love. She was scared, and she was afraid she was going to die, and she wanted to see me before she did.

I hate that she felt that way. I hate that she was afraid like that. I hate that the doctor told me that she might have brain damage. When I think about that, the rage that I felt before builds up in me and I almost black out. I know what happened at the White House; I just don’t remember it.

I’ve been by her side since they wheeled her back in two hours ago. She hasn’t woken up yet.

I gently sit on the side of her bed and push some hair out of her face. My eyes tear up when I look at her beautiful face bruised and cut up. “I’m so sorry.” I whisper to her. I don’t know if I’m apologizing for sending her to Gaza or apologizing for being such a coward and not telling her how I feel.

“Josh?”

My head snaps to the doorway where Lynn Moss and the Irish Gomer are standing. Donna looks so much like her mom. She gets her smile from her mom.

“Colin and I are going to go downstairs and get something to eat. Do you want anything?”

“No.” I say softly and turn back to Donna.

“I’ll bring you back some hearty German food.” she nods. She arches a brow at me when I chuckle.

“You two are exactly alike.” I smile. She throws me an unreadable expression and leads Colin out of the room.

I stand up and start to pace. This waiting is awful. How did Donna do this for 14 hours? I have a new appreciation for what she went through when I was shot.

I look around at the flowers that adorn the room. There is an enormous display now from the Bartlets. Nurses and doctors seem kind of in awe when they hear who it’s from. I think about the red roses that I was bringing her earlier when I got back and found her room empty. How was I going to explain them? There’s no mistaking what red roses mean. They mean one thing and Donna’s not an idiot. She has her quirky moments, but she’s no dumb blonde.

I had no idea what I was going to say to her if she was there. I guess I was kind of hoping the flowers spoke for themselves.

I throw myself back down into the chair next to her bed and watch CNN. I’m tired of watching the bombing story. I’m tired of watching the pundits speculate on what’s going to happen next. I’m tired of watching CJ spin the press on why we haven’t bombed the hell out of something yet. The whole thing leaves a horrible taste in my mouth. We should be carpet bombing the West Bank. Somebody please explain to me why we’re not doing that. How is it that Jeff Haffley and I are in total agreement on something?

I prop my head on my hand and stare at the t.v. I can’t hear anything they’re saying anymore, which is a good thing or I would have missed hearing my name called softly from the bed.

I snap my head over to the bed, and I can see Donna’s eyes moving behind her eyelids as she slowly swims up from unconsciousness. My jaw drops in shock as I realize that not only was I the last thing she wanted to see earlier, but I’m the first thing she wants to see now. Her absolute trust that I’ll be sitting here waiting for her is completely humbling.

She continues to call my name and I smile when her eyes open and focus on me.

“Hey....you’re awake.” I say softly, looking for any sign at all that she may be different; that she may have suffered any kind of brain injury. “Your mom is here. Colin took her downstairs for some, I don’t know, some schnitzel or something.”

“You’re still here.”

And my heart just breaks.

“Yeah. I’m still here.”


	28. Chronicles of Joshua, The

June 2004

I’m pacing on the tarmac as this corporeal here throws me annoyed looks. I’m supposed to be waiting inside the building, but it was getting too stifling in there. Besides, it’s not like I’m out on the runway interfering with the guys that flag the plane in.

Speaking of the plane...

“Where the hell is it?” I demand. “It was supposed to land five minutes ago.”

“No, sir.” the corporeal says mustering some patience from somewhere, probably my White House i.d. “It’s not scheduled to land for another ten minutes.”

I look down at my watch. God damn this piece of shit. You’d think by now Donna would have forced me to get a new one.

I scrub my hands into my hair and continue my pacing.

“Sir, you’re really supposed to be inside.” the corporeal tries again.

“Who’s in charge of this base?” I shoot back.

“General Cafferty, sir.”

“Why don’t you go get him?”

“I’m sorry, sir?”

“Go get him and bring him here. I’m sure he’ll let me wait three feet outside the building. If he’s got a problem with it, I have no problem calling the President on my cell phone.” I snap. I don’t wait well. “Do you know who I am?”

“I know you work at the White House, sir.” he says cautiously, pointing to my i.d. hanging around my neck.

“I’m the Deputy Chief of Staff to the President of the United States.” I reply. “On this transport that I’m waiting for, is my senior assistant who is the sole survivor of the CODEL bombing two weeks ago. We hosted peace talks at Camp David for Israel and Palestine, neither of which were interested in attending and the Chief of Staff had a major heart attack. The Chief of Staff, by the way, is the President’s closest friend. The President has been at his bedside for days, and he’s not in a very receptive mood. Do you want to be the one he takes his crappy mood out on when I call to get him to tell you that I can pace here three feet from the building?”

“Um... I guess not, sir.” the corporeal wisely says. This kid’s pretty naive if he thinks the President wouldn’t be tearing me a new ass for making a phone call like that. Not to mention invoking my job title. In six years, I’ve done that once and it was two weeks ago in Germany. This is the stuff Donna does to me.

I look back out to the sky then down at my watch and groan in frustration.

“It’s right there, sir.” the corporeal says pointing to the sky. My head snaps immediately to the direction he’s pointing. I can’t see shit.

“Where?”

“Look off in the distance; two o’clock.”

“All I see is a bird.”

“Watch the bird, sir, it’s going to get closer. In a couple of seconds, you’ll be able to see lights on its wings.”

“That’s it?”

“Yes, sir.”

“How do you even see that?”

“I’m supposed to be able to see that.”

“That’s amazing.” I say. “I would never have known that was a plane.”

“Just part of my job, sir.” the corporeal replies.

I’m now fixated on the approaching aircraft, the medical transport bringing Donna home. I’m not ashamed to say I’ve been mostly a basketcase since I’ve been back from Germany. I was rarely able to get through to Donna while I was at Camp David. You know, the President can launch a global war from there, but they can’t put a cell tower on it? Anyway, between worrying about Donna and trying to navigate through the peace talks, I didn’t get much sleep. Never mind trying to figure out what was going on between Leo and the President.

Leo wouldn’t say, but something was definitely up. I’m almost positive he wasn’t up there because the President didn’t want him there. I know he thought the peace talks were a waste of time. Kate Harper told me while I was in Germany, the President specifically kept him out of a meeting. That’s not good.

And when I found out that they found him unconscious in the woods.... I knew he didn’t look good. I can’t handle this kind of stuff happening without Donna here. The White House is a mess. The President’s been at the hospital; Toby and I can’t seem to get on the same page; and CJ...I don’t know what CJ’s doing. I’m tired of her throwing crappy food at me though.

She’s been strange since I got back from Germany. She’s been...very sisterly. I can see in her eyes that she suspects my feelings for Donna run deeper than they should. How could she not at this point? I flew to Germany. I think the cat’s out of the bag now. Now, I’m just stuck with what to do about it.

Nothing’s change. Nothing can happen between me and Donna while she works with me. She needs insurance for physical therapy, so she can’t change jobs. Plus, I don’t even know what she wants. I think our feelings for each other were pretty damn obvious when she woke up from surgery, but when she was coherent again, there were boundaries again. I’m confused as all hell.

The plane finally lands, and it’s all I can do not to run across the tarmac like some crazy Gone With the Wind thing. I start to walk forward when I see the the plane door open, but the corporeal stops me with a firm hand on my arm.

“They’ll bring her here, sir.” he says.

“I can’t walk out there?”

“No, sir. They’ll bring her here.”

I roll my eyes and sigh frustrated before fixating them back on the plane. It feels like hours before I finally see Donna emerge in a wheelchair. They bring her down on some million dollar forklift thing and it feels like a few more hours before she’s finally sitting in front of me.

“What are you doing here?” she smiles.

“I came to take you home.” I smile back.

“Are you going to take me to the White House?” she asks.

“Do you want me to?” I move behind her chair and push her back into the building.

“Yeah. But I want to go home first and get changed. I don’t want to go there like this.”

“Okay. I’ll take you.”

“Josh, you don’t have to do this.”

“I want to.”

She slams on the wheelchair brakes and I almost go flying over her head into her lap. She turns and looks back at me.

“What’s the matter?” I ask.

“Josh, you look like hell.”

“Well, you look amazing.” I counter. She does. She’s the most beautiful thing I’ve seen in weeks.

“Don’t try to misdirect me. How long have you been in those clothes?” she demands.

“Um...”

“That’s what I thought.”

“I’ve been a little busy. Remember? Historic peace talks.” I continue pushing her along and she scoffs. I don’t think she knows about Leo yet. I’m going to have to break the news soon. “I HAVE been busy!”

“I don’t doubt it.” she says as we move out the front door of the building and over to my car. I pop the trunk for the airman following us to put her luggage in before he returns to the building. “I’m just saying, a shower wouldn’t be out of order.”

“Are you saying I smell?”

“No, you just look like you haven’t taken a shower.”

“It’s because you weren’t here to remind me.”

“I don’t normally remind you to bathe, Josh.” She says rolling her eyes. I open the front passenger door and then turn to her, sizing her up.

“Is the front going to be okay?” I ask.

“I think so.” she nods, but I push the seat all the way back just in case. “Are you sure you can handle this?”

“Donna, I have to move you two feet, and you do have an uninjured leg, too.” I reply a little indignant. “Wrap your arms around my neck and I’ll help you stand.” She does as directed, and I wrap my arms low around her waist and foist her up. She gingerly puts some pressure on her good leg. Before sitting in the car though, she tightens her hold and now we’re hugging.

“Thank you, Josh.” she whispers.

“I missed you.” I sigh into her hair.

“I had no idea from all those phone calls.” she chuckles before releasing me and getting into the car. I gingerly swing her legs in, as she fastens her seatbelt. I amaze myself by figuring out all on my own how to close the wheelchair.

Once I’m in the driver’s seat and pulling out of the spot, the awkward silence starts. Donna and I have NEVER shared awkward silence. Ever. Not even when I waited with her in the park while Cliff read her diary. We’ve shared angry silence; we’ve shared comfortable silence; we haven’t shared awkward silence.

I wish I knew what she was thinking, but I can’t ask her. I can’t ask her because she’s probably thinking the same thing I am, ‘what the hell do we do now?’

Normalcy. We need a sense of normalcy so we can process what happened and what to do with it. We’ll get that as soon as we get to the White House.


	29. Chronicles of Joshua, The

December 2004

Donna hates me. She’s got to hate me. Why the hell else would she quit like she did? I knew she wanted to talk to me about her job and I avoided her, but I didn’t think she was trying to give me notice. But what gets me about the whole thing, is how professional she kept it.

She knows me better than that. She knows how to back me into a corner if she really wanted to. I could come up with excuses in the White House until the cows come up, but if I opened my apartment door and she was standing there, how would I get away from that? Donna’s been to my apartment a thousand times, hell, she practically lived there for a few months. So, if she had to talk to me that badly, why wouldn’t she have tried to corner me like that?

Okay, okay. I’m not absolving myself of the blame. I’ll be the first to admit I’ve been, shall we say, self-absorbed lately. But, seriously, can you blame me? CJ’s got my job. Everywhere I go, someone says, “Too bad about the Chief of Staff thing, Josh. It should have been yours.” Yeah, thanks for the chin up.

I can’t figure out why Leo did that either. If not me... CJ? Why not Toby? CJ doesn’t make any sense.

But I’m beyond that now. Screw it. The last couple of years in that job have been nothing but disappointment anyway.

Let’s get back to Donna because really, that’s what my life is about anyway and that’s the reason I’m currently getting drunk in the dark in my apartment.

Yes, I know things have been very off since she came back from Germany. She wasn’t receptive to me anymore in nearly any fashion. I know it wasn’t the Irish guy and she seems basically adjusted from the trauma. I mean to say, she’s not me. There aren’t glaring problems. But, she’s Donna and I’m me, and this is not how we work. For someone who has spent years, pulling stuff out of me and showing me that it’s okay to have faith in someone and it’s okay to confide in someone, she shut down pretty freaking quick.

It’s not the job. I don’t care about her abandoning the job. I mean, I do, but that doesn’t hurt near as much as her abandoning me. That’s what she did. We came back from Germany and she abandoned me. Suddenly, everything I did wasn’t good enough for her; everything that used to be amusing, wasn’t anymore; everything I thought I knew about her, disappeared. She left me and our friendship long before she left her job.

I wonder now if that’s what she was doing all along. I wonder now if she was distancing herself from me in preparation for this. If that’s the case, then obviously we weren’t near the friends I thought we were.

I know she wanted more than friendship. I was trying to figure that all out. But, you know what? Sometimes you actually need to hear the words! Sometimes you need some kind of confirmation that if you’re going to toss your career out on its ear, maybe the other person is receptive. She wasn’t. She shut down. She put up the biggest barrier of all.

She was professional.

She treated me like her boss.

Fuck it. What do I care? In fact, fuck her. I don’t need her. This is ridiculous. I’m going to call her. I pull out my cell phone and hit one. I pause before I hit send. Not because I’m rethinking calling her, but because I’m rethinking her number being number one in my contacts. If she’s not going to be number one in my life, she’s not going to be number one in my contacts.

So, I hit edit. Option seven - delete. It’s staring at me. It’s daring me.

I power my phone down.

I can’t delete Donna. I’m pissed at her, but I can’t delete her. I should. But, I can’t. The images of that overturned Suburban and her on that operating table are still extremely fresh in my mind and all I can think about now is there’s got to be a way to fix this.

The next day, I’m hung over as all hell, but I decide to make contact anyway and head over to Will’s office. He tells me that Donna has been sent to New Hampshire. Surprisingly, he doesn’t try to poach me again. I’m actually kind of sad about that because if he’s got Donna, I could be convinced to come over to the dark side, but a later visit from Matt Santos stops me from doing the unthinkable.

He’s on board. I seriously didn’t think he’d go for it. I wanted him to, but I didn’t actually think he would.

After I meet with the President and have what had to be the most uncomfortable conversation with him that I’ve ever had since the day I met the man, I head to CJ’s office. It must be written all over my face because she’s got me pegged as soon as I walk in her office.

“How long do I have?” she sighs tossing something aside on her desk.

“End of the week.” I say quietly sitting down.

“So, what you’re telling me,” CJ says. “Is you’re not even going to try to be here without Donna?”

“You know, for like half a second, CJ, I thought you got it. I thought you finally understood.”

CJ probably doesn’t deserve that, but I’m looking for someone to take my anger out on and Donna’s in New Hampshire....where I’m headed this weekend.

“Josh.” she sighs. “It’s just I have a hard time believing that it’s because I have this job.”

“It’s not because you have that job, CJ.” I say. “It’s because I don’t want Bob Russell or John Hoynes to have the nomination.”

“It’s true?” she asks wide-eyed. “You’re really running Santos?”

“You heard?”

“Rumors.” she nods.

“Yeah.”

“I hope you have a hell of a plan.” she says sitting back. “Nobody knows who he is.”

“Nobody knew who Jed Bartlet was either.”

“Okay, fair point.” she concedes. “Toby’s going to have a cow.”

“Yeah, he’s unthrilled.”

“Did he pull his bat out?”

“He’s not that unthrilled.”

“You know,” CJ says breaking eye contact with me. “Donna’s in New Hampshire now.”

“I’m aware of that.”

“I’m just saying.”

“She’s working for the enemy.”

“You could convince her easily enough to join you.”

“I don’t want her to. She hates me anyway.”

“Yes, you do; and no, she doesn’t.” CJ says. “Donna will never hate you. I don’t pretend to understand you two, Josh, I thought I did once and I was very wrong. But what I do know, is she wouldn’t ever hate you.”

“She left me.”

“You could call her.”

“I shouldn’t have to beg her to be my friend.”

“No, you should beg her to help you understand.”

“Did she talk to you?” I ask immediately.

“Not really.” CJ says. “I’m finding this job doesn’t give you too much time for friends.”

“No, it doesn’t.”

“All right.” she says and I stand up. “I’d like to say we’ll go drinking Friday for a send off, but I’m not sure I can come through.”

“I think Friday at 5 p.m., I’ll hit the ground running.” I say letting her off the hook. I’m not really wanting to do that anyway.

“Yeah. You’ve got to see a man about a dark horse.” she chuckles.

“It’s was a pitch in the dirt, CJ, I can’t believe you swung at it.” I say over my shoulder as I leave her office.

Whatever my issues are with the President and Leo, they’re really not CJ’s fault. Coming into that job this late in the game can’t possibly be easy and I’ve learned a long time ago not to take political strategy personally.

Campaign strategy though is a horse of an entirely different color.


	30. Chronicles of Joshua, The

January 2005

I drop down on the hotel bed and vigorously run my hands through my hair. She’s right across the fucking hall!? What did I do in my previous life that was so damn horrible to confine me to this hell in this life?

She changed her perfume. I smelled it in the elevator ride from hell.

Of course, she looks beautiful. She doesn’t look particularly happy, but she looks beautiful. Of course, it’s only been a month since we left the White House, so how much was she really going to change?

I’m sorry. I’m stuck on just this one little thing...

ACROSS THE FREAKING HALL!?

Okay. I can do this. I’m going to go over there and talk to her. Our paths are going to cross a lot. We need to be able to do this, and if I have any hope of fixing this, I have to maintain contact.

I’m so determined I even leave the hotel room, but I throw the lock on my way out so I don’t lock myself out in the process.

I’m just about to knock when I freeze up.

God, what am I going to say if she opens the door? I’m sorry? What the hell happened? How about I’ll be sorry for anything you want me to be, if you just talk to me again? I’ll get on my hands and knees and beg forgiveness for anything that will make my heart beat again? When did I become that pathetic?

Nothing appropriate seems to be coming to mind. Part of me wants to plead with her, but another part, a very large one, wants to yell at her. If she opens the door and I start screaming at her, do you think she’ll call hotel security?

No. She’ll probably call Stanley.

I can’t make myself knock on the door. I can’t knock without some kind of plan, so I retreat back to my room.

I do a quick scan once I’m in the safety of my room and there’s no mini-bar. I think I saw an actual bar downstairs. I think I’m going to need it.

I quickly change my clothes into something that doesn’t scream “politician,” i.e. jeans and a hooded Mets sweatshirt (the only one Donna never stole), and grab my wallet, my cell, and my keycard.

I’m off to get stinking drunk.

If I don’t talk to her soon, I’m pretty sure I’m going to be an alcoholic by the time the convention rolls around.

I belly right up to the bar.

“You look like you could use a drink?” the pretty bartender smiles at me.

“Absolute martini on the rocks, two olives.” I say and drop all my crap on the bar.

“Sure.” she smiles and sets to work. I’m one of, like, four people in the place. “Politician?”

Damn! I even changed!

“Why would you think that?”

“I don’t know.” she shrugs. “We have a lot of politicians staying here this weekend and you seem to have that stressed out look about you.”

“I am, in fact, stressed out.” I confess and drop all my crap onto the bar before I drop down into the chair.

Because my night is not destined to get any better, Donna enters. She changed, too. She wasn’t expecting to see me. I know this for a fact because that Yale Law sweatshirt is mine! She crosses her arms across her chest, pretends she didn’t see me and goes way over to the other side of the bar.

Now, I’m truly depressed.

We can’t even have a drink?

The bartender puts my drink in front of me and I chug most of it. “You know what?” I say. “Set me up with another one of these and I’ll also take a shot of Scotch.”

“Getting drunk, Josh?” A voice says behind me, and there’s a light hand on my shoulder. I look next to me and Ronna’s sliding into the chair. I throw a quick glance over at Donna and she looks like she’s frozen. She’s a little wide-eyed, too.

Suddenly, my night’s looking up. Donna thinks I’m here with Ronna. I give Ronna a big grin and wave the bartender over for her. She orders a Manhattan. I would never “be” here with Ronna because Ronna’s a lesbian, but Donna doesn’t know that.

“I am.” I confirm. “Join me.”

“Is the campaign tanked already?”

“I’m not getting drunk because of work.”

“No, I didn’t think so.” she says and throws a quick glance over to Donna, who has just chugged down her drink and ordered another one.

My cell phone rings and I smile when I see the caller i.d.

“What the hell is wrong with her, Josh?” Lynn Moss asks bluntly when I answer.

“What do you mean?”

“Bob Russell?” she replies. “Has she learned nothing from you?” I love that Donna’s mom is on my side.

“Well, it was a good job opportunity....” I say totally half-heartedly.

“Horse shit.” All right then. I look across the bar at Donna dialing her cell phone and putting it to her ear. “I’m gathering more information on Santos, Josh.” Lynn continues, as I hear Donna leave a message for her mother. How funny is it that Donna can’t get through to her mother right now because she’s on the phone with me? Should I tell her?

“You are?”

“Well, if you’re working for him, he’s probably it. So, I’m just reading up on him.”

“That’s an awfully nice compliment, ma’am.”

“Don’t ma’am me.” she snaps.

“Lynn.” I sigh in compliance.

“I think you’ve proven in the past that you occasionally know what you’re doing when it comes to this stuff.” Lynn continues.

“Thank you.”

“This stuff, not other stuff.” she qualifies.

“Hey, that’s not all me!” I yelp. “Part of that is your daughter!” I think I said that too loud because I see Donna’s head pop up and look in my direction then quickly look away. Oh my God, I haven’t seen that look in ages. Could that have been jealousy? I could swear Donna looks a little jealous. I know her jealous face, having seen it a few times over the last seven years

“I’ve tried to talk to her.”

“Listen... you have?” I close my eyes against the familiar feeling of desperation I’m starting to feel. I wonder if Donna’s mother is going to give me insight into what happened with Donna.

“Yeah, she’s just as thick-headed as you are.”

“I’ve tried to talk to her.”

“Try harder.”

“This isn’t really a good time for me.” I say just loud enough for my voice to carry over to Donna, but then drop it dramatically so she can’t hear what’s next. “She’s on the other side of the bar from me now. She just left you a voice mail.”

“She’s in the same bar as you and she’s not talking to you?”

“No.” I sigh. “She’s been really distant. I don’t know what the hell is going on.”

“Well, I suppose I should call her.” Lynn sighs.

“All right.” I reply.

“Take care, dear.”

“Bye.”

I drop my phone on the bar and look across the bar as Donna’s phone rings. I think I may need to have my drinks brought up to my room. If I stay here, I’m either going to get drunk and yell at Donna, or we’ll get drunk and sleep together, and while that’s not all that unappealing, I have a feeling that’s going to make things ten times worse in the harsh light of the morning.


	31. Chronicles of Joshua, The

February 2005

“DONNA!” I bellow out when I see her passing by the conference room in the hotel. Her head snaps in my direction and her eyes widen in surprise. I can’t say I blame her. I am tied to a chair after all.

She smirks in a way I’m sure she learned from me and wanders casually into the room. She’s going to make me suffer. Great. I should have waited until the cleaning crew came through. It would have only been a few more hours. She crosses her arms and leans casually against the table Amy was at just a few minutes ago.

“Set upon by highway thieves, Josh?” she asks.

“Something like that. A little help?” I plead. I give her the puppy dog eyes. I’m pretty sure she actually is impervious to them now, but I’ll give it the old college try anyway.

She stands up and takes a step towards me. “Who did this to you?”

“Amy.” I sigh.

And Donna sits right back down again.

“If your girlfriend is going to live out some kinky bondage fettish, Josh, who am I to interfere?”

I arch a brow at her. That sounded a little like jealousy. I’m SO tempted to call her out on it, but... well, I need to get untied. “Amy’s not my girlfriend.” I reply.

“Why was she up here?”

“That’s privileged campaign information.” I reply. “What do you care anyway? You’ve got your new Gomer.”

“What new Gomer?” she asks scrunching up her face. God, I miss that face.

“Bwak...bwak, bwak, bwak.” I cluck at her.

Her eyes go wide and she stands up. “You jackass! God, I can’t believe I almost forgot I was pissed at you for that!”

She starts to stomp off, but laughing still I call her back. “Donna! Donna, come on. I’m sorry.”  
She stops and turns around and walks slowly back, leaning up against the table again.

I can’t believe I’m still tied up. This is so humiliating. “That’s all my fault anyway. I take full responsibility.”

“You should.”

“And I do. I was remiss. I really should have taught you not to engage in a street rumble with poultry.”

I’m rewarded for my witticism with a smack to the head. I’m tied up and Donna’s hitting me. I’m oddly turned on right now.

“Give me one good reason why I should help you right now.”

“I helped you.”

“Well, this I’ve got to hear.”

“Amy’s not here because she’s been helping all three campaigns. She’s been giving the same canned stuff to multiple candidates. I called her on it and fired her.” I spurt out. I probably shouldn’t have told her any of that, but even though she’s pissed at me for...well, whatever she hates me for, she’d never stab me in the back with that information, and it’s not like I told her strategy secrets.

She pauses for a second. I think she just realized I answered her other question, too. I don’t know why it was so important that she know I wasn’t with Amy. It’s not like anything’s going to happen between me and Donna anyway, not with her hating me and all.

“That t.v. ad was brilliant, Joshua.” she says softly.

“Well, that’s because the Congressman is brilliant, Donnatella, because I didn’t have anything to do with it. I was going to run an attack ad.”

She smiles sadly and leans over and pulls the tape off. I immediately pounce out of the offending chair. She leans back up against the table, and out of habit I lean next to her. She’s still wearing that new perfume. It’s really nice.

“The Congressman was really good tonight.” she says quietly. “Will’s having a cow.”

“Russell didn’t do too bad.” I manage. It physically hurt to say it, but that probably wasn’t an easy thing for her to say either.

“You don’t sound too worried about him.” she says with a small laugh.

“He’s got a large war chest, Donna, of course I’m worried about him.” I reply. “Let’s not talk about this stuff though.”

Lately, I’ve been wondering maybe if Donna and I can get away from politics and put that on the back burner if there’s hope for us personally. I mean, politics is the reason we met, it’s the reason we were together all those years professionally. But I want to know if we can separate ourselves personally. I want to know if there’s even a difference.

“How’s your mom?” she asks, jumping on the chance to change the topic.

“Are you kidding me?” I laugh. “You don’t know?”

“I’ve been really busy.” she shrugs looking down. “I haven’t had a chance to call her.”

“She’s good.” I say. “You should call her. She’d really love to hear from you.” The truth is, my mother feels kind of weird calling Donna now. She’s afraid since Donna’s not really talking to me, that she won’t want to talk to her. I’m desperate for my mom and Donna to talk though. Donna may hate me, but she respects my mother to no end, and she’ll listen when my mother talks. Maybe my mother can get something out of her.

“My mother’s going to vote Santos.” Donna chuckles.

“I know.” I grin, pushing myself off the table and starting to walk towards the door, but I turn around for a moment and add, “She actually called me a couple of weeks ago.”

“My mother calls you!?” Donna nearly shrieks and follows me.

I’m not anxious to end the night, since there seems to be a little bit of a truce here. But I also don’t want to give this truce the opportunity to get screwed up. Maybe little truces is what we’ll need to get back on track.

“Well, she called me to tell me that she was going to support Santos.” I confess.

“How does my mother have your cell phone number?” she says. It almost sounds accusatory, like her mother and I are plotting and scheming against her and she’s looking for proof.

“I...um...” I drift off and look down at my feet. “She’s got it, I guess, from when I was updating her in Germany before she got there.”

We arrive at the elevators and I push the up button.

“Oh.” Donna says simply and drops the subject all together. Once we’re in the elevator, I discover much to my relief and some dismay that we’re on separate floors this time. The elevator ride is quiet now. I really wish Germany hadn’t come up. That seems to be the root of all evil between us. I’ve been thinking about it and analyzing it so much looking for what I did that I could have done different that I had to stop thinking about it entirely so I wouldn’t go crazy.

Her floor comes up first. The doors open and she glances over at me. “Good night.” she says with an awkward smile. It’s one I’ve come to know well and she steps off the elevator.

“Sweet dreams, Donnatella.” I say softly as the door closes.


	32. Chronicles of Joshua, The

May 2005

Victory is mine! Victory is mine! Great day in the morning people. Victory is mine!

You’d think I’d be more excited about this. So far, I’m half way to pulling off the unthinkable.

Again.

I got the dark horse candidate the Democratic nomination for President.

Again.

Yes, yes, I had brilliant help both times. But still...

I wish she were here with me. I’ve been a lunatic since this convention started and I’ve only seen glimpses of her here and there. Just thinking about the speech the Congressman made to the delegates before he stole the nomination is giving me chills. I watched him grab victory out of the jaws of defeat in typical Democratic fashion and when I should be on top of the world and over the moon, I’m not because she’s not here to share it with me.

She’s not here to give me her brilliant smile. She’s not here to look at me with pride. She’s not here to give me one of her hugs that I just deflate right into. She’s commiserating defeat with Russell’s cronies. She should be here with me.

I’m going to go find her.

Bram’s already started the victory party, and so I snake a few beers from him and go off in search of the Russell war room. That’s probably where she’ll be and the Congressman will be tied up for a while. I’m sure he’ll want to talk to me at some point, but he won’t actually NEED to for a while.

Now that I have my mission in mind and my mission is bringing me forth to her, I’m moving a lot faster, the anticipation building with each step.

The Russell war room is nearly deserted. It seems mostly everyone left to drown their sorrows, but Will and Donna are over in the corner. I take a moment to look at her before she’s noticed I’m here. Suddenly, I can see what happened when Santos became the winner. She looks in the same position she might be in after dropping down into a chair in stunned astonishment. She looks tired, she looks surprised, and she looks totally amazing.

I drop a beer in front of Will as I pass. He looks....not good.

I put the beer down next to Donna and she gives me a soft smile. I’m a little thrown by it because she hasn’t given me a genuine smile in a while. It’s always been somewhat pained and stilted, despite the little truces we’ve had here and there.

I kick my feet up and take a long swallow.

“Josh...” she starts.

“Don’t.” I say immediately.

“Don’t what?”

“Let’s just sit here and....”

“I was going to say congratulations.” she says softly. “You did good.”

“I don’t want to be congratulated.” I mumble taking another long swallow.

I came here because I won something big, and I wanted to share it with her. I didn’t come here to talk about stuff. I didn’t come here to be congratulated. I came here because when something awesome happens in my life, I don’t know how to be with someone else. Even now, after the last six months we’ve had, I can see that she’s proud of me. There’s other emotions there, too, but they’re for another day.

Will stands up and stretches. “Congratulations, Josh.” He nods.

“Thanks.” I say not meeting his eyes. It’s not as fun to win when you beat your friends.

“I think I’m going to escape before the talking heads get me.”

“I would.” I nod.

Without even a glance in Donna’s direction, he turns and leaves the room with his beer.

Donna picks up her beer and takes a long swallow herself. “That was some speech he gave.”

“Yeah.” I say looking down and picking at the label on my bottle. Right back to politics. Maybe that’s all we are after all. I find it hard to believe, but maybe I saw something that wasn’t actually there. Maybe she was just my friend because she was paid to be.

I have a really hard time believing that though.

“What are you going to do now?” I ask softly.

“I don’t know.” she says with a sigh. “Go home and see my parents for a week, I guess, and then head back to Washington. The Vice President is still the Vice President for a few more months.”

I look at her and she doesn’t meet my eyes. I wonder if she’s thinking the same thing I am. What if this is it? What if this is the last time we ever see each other? She could end up anywhere. In six months, the Vice President will be out of office and she could be out of Washington. God, what am I going to do? At least with the campaigns, our paths crossed.

She stands up and I pop out of my chair, too. “I think I’m going to head back to the hotel.”

“I’ll go with you.” I say and her eyes go wide. “I mean, I’m staying at the same one, and I’m ready to call it a night. We can share a cab.”

“Josh,” she smiles. “The Congressman needs you.”

“No, he doesn’t.” I say shaking my head.

“You’re his campaign manager. You have to talk to, like, 50 networks now, not to mention the President.” she says gesturing out the window overlooking the convention.

“They’ll be fine, Donna.” I say. At this point, I’m not even attempting to hide my desperation.

She takes a moment to look at me. “We’ll talk, Josh.” she says and starts to walk past me.

“Donna.” I say softly, and am surprised when she turns and flings her arms around my neck.

Mine immediately circle her and crush her tight. “I am proud of you.” she says quietly, before pulling away and disappearing out the door. The hug ended as abruptly as it began. I want to run after her, but my feet are cemented to the floor. I have no idea what’s stopping me. Probably the fact that she looked like she was about to lose it.

“We’ll talk.” she said, but I don’t know what the hell that means. When? About what? Why can’t we talk now? Why can’t I beg her to tell me what happened and why can’t she take pity on me for one fucking second and tell me? If I knew, I could apologize.

I finally mobilize my feet to leave the Russell war room.

I really don’t know what I was expecting by coming here. Did I expect her to burst into tears and beg me for a job? Did I expect her to say I was right all along and she was stupid and never should have left me? Did I expect that? Did I even want that?

What DO I want from her? Maybe the reason why I couldn’t run after her was because I can’t answer that question anymore. There was a time when all I wanted was her any way I could have her. Now, I want her, but I don’t know how I want her. If she worked for the Santos campaign now, would that be enough for me? Can I even hire her after working for Russell? Technically, yes. Not technically, I think I’m still pissed.

I’m starting to head back to the floor and the victory party, but as I draw closer and hear the music and see the lights, I just can’t do it.

It feels too empty, and all I’m needed for now is spin. There are PLENTY of people to talk about it now. Instead, I turn and head out of the convention center and hail a cab.

Sleep.

I need sleep and I need to clear my head. Because when I do talk to Donna, I need to have the answers to those questions for myself, that way I’ll know what to ask her. If I know what I can give her, I’ll know what I want from her.

Right?


	33. Chronicles of Joshua, The

June 2005

I slam back into my office. My eyes immediately drawn to the offending chair Donna just occupied. I don’t know what happens to me. Donna backs me into this corner, and this guy that I don’t recognize and don’t even like pops out and attacks.

I didn’t mean what I said. Well, I meant the part about missing her. I can’t BELIEVE that came out of my mouth. I can’t believe I admitted that out loud. She took off, too, after that. There’s only one thing to do in this situation.

Get incredibly drunk.

I haven’t seen hide nor hair of her since the convention. “We’ll talk.” she said. Yeah, bull shit. The first time I hear from her is for a job!

And let me just state for the record that had we lost, I would NOT have gone to Russell’s campaign.

Weeks have gone by and the phone hasn’t rung. Weeks of wondering if she was okay. Weeks of wondering what she wanted to talk about. I thought it was us. I thought it was our friendship. It was about a job!? We’ll talk about a job? Is that really all I am to her? I’m so pissed off right now I could punch something. I should probably get out of here before I punch someone...or a window.

“RONNA!” I bellow leaving my office. She falls right into step with me as I make my way to the elevators. “I’m out for the rest of the day.”

“Josh, you have a very full afternoon.” she says.

“Clear it.” I say simply. “It’s just interviews. Bump them.”

“I can’t bump them. We’re out of here at the end of the week.”

“Give the communications ones to Lou and bump the rest to tomorrow.” I reply.

“Was that Donna I just saw?” Annabeth asks me walking up to the elevator.

“Yeah.” I say, not meeting her eyes.

“Where are you going?” Annabeth asks.

“To get irresponsibly drunk.” I reply.

“Josh!” Ronna says frustrated.

“Ronna, this is not the first campaign I’ve done.” I say turning back. “Bump them to tomorrow.” She lets out an odd noise that sounds pretty frustrated, and stomps off. Annabeth continues to stare at me smiling. This is the problem when women know they’re delightfully adorable, they don’t care when you’re pissed off. “What?”

The elevator doors open and she joins me inside. “I take it Donna won’t be joining us.” she shrugs looking up at the floor numbers.

“Of course not.” I reply indignantly. “She worked for Russell.”

“Josh, most of this campaign is going to people that worked for Russell. That’s what we want.” she says gesturing out with her hand. “We have a nominee now. We want the party to rally and show solidarity behind our candidate. We need to show the Republicans that though we may have been a mess before, we aren’t now. We’re united.”

“She can’t be my deputy, Annabeth.” I shoot back. “She trashed the candidate many times on national television.”

“That was her job.” she sighs as the elevator doors open and I storm out. For someone so tiny, she’s doing a bang up job of keeping up with me.

“Where are you going?” I demand as she turns the corner outside with me.

“With you.” she smiles. “Didn’t you say it was happy hour?”

“There’s not going to be anything happy about it.” I growl. There’s a sports bar right down the street. That one will do.

“That’s okay.” she shrugs. “No one likes to drink alone. Besides, someone will need to put your sorry ass in a cab later.”

“Did Leo send you?” I ask suddenly stopping.

“You think if Leo knew you were doing this, he’d actually let you?”

“No.” I say and continue walking. Leo would hand me my irresponsible ass. “Annabeth, I just want to go and get drunk. I don’t want to be nice, I don’t want to be cheered up, and I don’t know that I even want to talk to anyone but the bartender.”

“Okay.” she smiles and continues into the bar with me. She squints when we walk in. It’s dark in here. There’s some t.v.’s on and, like, four people here. I check my watch 3 o’clock in the afternoon. These people probably live here.

We sidle up to the bar and sit on stools. I order an Absolute Martini. “You don’t want to get drunk.” Annabeth chuckles when she hears my order and orders a Cosmopolitan herself. “You want to think.”

“I want to get drunk.” I argue.

“Why not line up the shots then? You ordered a Martini.”

“That’s what I drink. Martinis will get me drunk.”

“Josh, you’re a sophisticated...” I snort “...political operative, who’s in a bar mere blocks from his campaign headquarters where most of his staff is heading in a few hours. You’re not going to be falling down drunk around them.”

Damn.

“Want to talk it out?” she offers.

“With you?”

“Why not?”

“You won’t understand.”

“Donna used to work with you. You guys were very close. She left to work for Russell and now she wants to come back.” Annabeth rattles off. “Did I miss something?”

“Yeah, there was eight years in there.” I say drawing a little circle in the air with my finger.

“Did she leave the White House because you two broke up?” she asks thoughtfully.

“WHAT!?” I screech. “Absolutely not. Donna and I were never involved like that.”

“You know, a lot of people thought that.”

“I don’t care what a lot of people thought. It’s not true. We dated other people all the time.”

“That doesn’t mean you weren’t in love with each other.” she says. “Those people could have just been beards.”

“They were.” I sigh and drop my forehead into my hand.

She gasps and smiles widely. “You WERE involved!”

“No. We weren’t.” I say.

“Do you miss her?”

“With every breath I take.”

“Does she know?”

“Unfortunately, after this afternoon, she does now.”

“You told her.”

“I didn’t mean to.”

“Why not?”

“Remember when I said there was a whole eight years in there?”

“Yeah.”

“There’s about a hundred answers to that question in those eight years.”

“If you miss her, why not bring her back?” Annabeth shrugs.

“I don’t want her to work for me anymore.” I say with a sigh. “I don’t want to be her boss. If there’s ever hope for us to get together, Annabeth, I want to know that it’s not because of our jobs.”

“You’re a romantic.” she smiles widely and pushes me a bit with her fingertips. “I never would have thought that about you.”

“I’m not a romantic. I’ve done the power dating, politically convenient dating since I got to this town. I’m tired of it.”

“You don’t think by bringing Donna on to the campaign, it’ll give you two the chance to work things out? It’ll give you the chance to talk? Josh, she looked devastated when she left.”

“She was.” I say and turn back to my drink. “And don’t think I don’t feel like shit about it because that’s why I’m sitting here right now.”

“I think you should reconsider.” Annabeth says. “Give her to me. She could be on Leo’s team, or communications, advance. She doesn’t have to be your deputy.”

“It’s too late.” I say and chug down the rest of my drink and order another one. I’ll show her I can get drunk off of Martinis.

See what Annabeth doesn’t know is, I didn’t just betray Donna today, I betrayed myself. I promised myself that I’d always be there for Donna, that I’d always look out for her, and I didn’t do that today. I didn’t protect Donna like I swore I would; I selfishly protected my battered heart and put her out on the street. I did nothing but proved that I’m completely unworthy of her. Looking out for her is what I do; protecting her is what I do; saving her is what I do.

If I’m not doing any of those things, then who the hell am I? Who am I without Donna?

I don’t know the answers to those questions, but I do know this,

I don’t want to know that guy.


	34. Chronicles of Joshua, The

August 2005

Okay. All right. I can handle this.

This is what I wanted, right? I wanted Donna back. And so, now I have her back.

Kind of.

I have her back exactly the way I DIDN’T want her. What am I supposed to do now? I suppose this could be an opportunity like Annabeth said to patch up what’s wrong between us. Things are going to be completely different after the election, and I imagine a little more clear professionally. Plus, if I’m honest with myself, and I rarely am, theoretically speaking, we would need that time to talk out what’s wrong and fix it. Given her...comments...of earlier, she’s definitely got some issues with me, and I did my fair share of yelling at her.

What really kills me is she’s been with this campaign for a week and didn’t tell me. I know that sounds like I expect her to clear her life through me, but given our history, I’m still of the opinion that that’s information I should have been provided with. I guess that shows you how pissed at me she is.

She looks great. And she was great on t.v. I’m spending way too much time watching the footage of that statement. I think I’m bordering stalker.

My cell phone rings and I sigh. It’s CJ. The White House is making me nuts. They’re either totally with us, or totally torpedoing us for something. It’s her cell though.

“Don’t piss me off; I’m having a bad day.” I greet into the phone.

“Well, I saw your spokesperson today on t.v., I kind of thought you’d be having a good day.” she replies. She sounds like she’s in transit.

“Not remotely.”

“Josh and Donna, together again.”

“Josh and Donna, big enormous fight because I’m apparently some ogre of a boss and was a total tyrant to work for.” I shoot back.

Silence.

“Oh come on!” I yelp.

“Well, Josh....” CJ starts.

“No! Don’t go there, CJ.” I bite back. “For someone that was so miserable in her job, she never said anything. Yes, she said she wanted more to do, and I GAVE it to her. She did more than anyone else in that position. Short of giving her MY job, there wasn’t anything else for her to do.”

“You were also her friend, Josh.”

“Outside of the White House, yes.” I reply. “Inside, I was her boss. It wasn’t up to me to be her career counselor.”

“Funny, that’s what she said.”

“Maybe because it’s true.” I reply.

“So, she’s not talking to you?”

“She’s yelling at me.” I reply.

“Well, maybe you two have to have it out.” CJ suggests.

“We started to, but we got interrupted. Trust me. After some of the shit she said, I plan on returning to the subject.”

“You know, Josh, before Gaza, I thought it was the job she was unhappy with, but after....”

Oh my God.

“She was unhappy with me.” I finish, leaning up against the couch in my hotel room.

“Not WITH you, but I think the limbo that was the two of you. You were obviously more than friends, but less than something more than friends, you know?”

“I have no idea what that means, CJ. That doesn’t even make sense. Something more than friends, but something less than more than friends?”

“Makes you in limbo, Josh.”

“You’re Chief of Staff, CJ.” I counter, ignoring...whatever the hell that was. “What would you have said if I came to you and said I wanted to date Donna?”

“I’m glad I didn’t have to make that decision.”

“Yeah, thanks. Big help there.”

There’s a knock on my door and I move to answer. I look through the peep hole and freeze.

“She’s here.”

“What?”

“Donna.” I whisper harshly. “She’s outside my room door.”

“You should probably let her in, Josh.” CJ says slowly.

“Yeah.” I sigh. “I just don’t know that I was ready to talk to her again yet. Things got pretty heated before and then they just got dumped, and we had to work. I thought I’d have more time.”

“How much more time did you want? Another eight years?”

“You’ve lost your usefulness in this conversation.”

“Wow. My staying power is improving. You should see how quickly I lose my usefulness in a conversation down in the sit room.”

“That’s a therapy session for another day.”

“Go to it, mi amore. Good luck.”

“Thanks.” I say and end the call, then open the door.

Donna’s standing there, arms crossed. The look on her face is annoyed, sheepish, defiant, nervous. I can’t say I blame her. I’m not looking forward to this either.

“Um...we got interrupted earlier.” she says by way of greeting when I step back to let her in.

“Oh, I’m sorry. Did you have more to yell at me about?” I say closing the door. I scratch the back of my head and walk past her.

“I thought we could talk.” she says.

“Is that what before was? Because I could do without that.”

“Josh...”

“Take your ‘my poor career’ anger somewhere else, Donna! How many press briefings did Carol do? How many times did Ginger or Kathy help Toby, Sam and Will with a speech? I pushed the perimeters of your job as much as I could, and what’s more, you know it. You took meetings for me. You were so involved in the budget with me, you were in on the God damn negotiations! I sent you to another country as a U.S. envoy! You were an extension of me in that job. You did more than most of the assistant deputies did. You may think that’s your beef with me, Donna, but it’s not.”

“I know what I’m pissed at, Josh.” she hisses.

“No, I don’t think you do.” I volley back. “If that’s the case, then you tell me, who else went from senior White House assistant to media targeting and strategy for a Presidential campaign? Carol, Ginger, Bonny or Margaret? You leap frogged probably 30 people for that job, not to mention who you beat out for this one!”

“You’re a son of a bitch, you know that?”

“Yeah, in fact, I do. But it’s not me you’re pissed at, and if it is, it’s not for professional reasons.”

She blinks quickly and looks stunned. She looks like I slapped her. I’m not going listen to her made up reasons for hating me anymore. It hurts enough that she hates me. When I look at her, I can see the anger, and it hurts more than anything I’ve ever felt in my life, and this is a guy that got shot we’re talking about here.

“I came here to talk.”

“Well, I guess we weren’t done fighting.”

“You ignored me!”

“I did not, Donna!” God I hope no one’s in the hall. “We came back from Germany, and you shut ME out. I flew to Germany, Donna! Fucking Germany! When I should have been in the White House, I flew to you. And I wouldn’t change a thing about that decision, looking back, I’d do it again. But YOU shut ME out, remember? I annoyed you like fucking candy in your teeth or whatever that crap was.”

Her eyes are filling up with tears and she says nothing. This is either genuine or very cunning because she knows if she starts to cry, I’m toast. I will not be able to yell at her when she’s crying. Hell, I usually can’t perform basic functions when she’s crying.

“I wanted more.” she says. God dammit, the tears are freely falling down her cheeks.

“I GAVE you more.”

“I wanted more from you!”

“I know.” I say softly.

“And you didn’t want to give it.” she shakes her head and shrugs.

“That’s not true.”

“You had a funny way of showing it.”

“Flying to Germany to be there when you woke up?” I retort. “I brought you roses, Donna.”

“I don’t remember that.”

“No, they got butchered in transit to your operating room.” I spit back and turn away. “I didn’t have a funny way of showing it. You had Colin.”

She pauses for a long moment. I finally turn back around to face her and her expression is completely different than the mask she had on.

“We’re not ready to go there yet, Josh.” she says softly.

“When do you think we will be, Donna? Eight years?” I reply echoing CJ’s words.

“We just spent the better part of six months barely speaking!”

“YOU made it that way.” I reply.

“You didn’t bang down my door! You didn’t come running after me!”

“Was I supposed to get on my hands and knees, Donna? Because I would have! If it would have helped me figure out what the hell happened, I would have begged you. I would have apologized for anything I thought I needed to.”

“I just want to clear the air, Josh.”

“Just so long as we don’t talk about the actual problem.”

“Josh,” she pleads. “Can’t we just take some time to get used to being around each other again? Can’t we just take some time to learn how to work together without stepping on each other? I’m really excited to be here. All I thought about was being able to be around you again. All I thought about for the last few months was talking to you.”

“Really?” I ask sarcastically. “I never knew that from my constantly ringing phone.”

“Josh, you hated me.”

“No, I didn’t.”

“I came to you, and you bit my head off at your very first chance.”

“I was hurt, Donna!”

“So was I!” she cries. I really want to hug her right now. That’s what I do when Donna cries. I hug her. This isn’t working. “I came to you for help, Josh, and you weren’t interested. I left there thinking that I’d screwed up so bad that I didn’t even have you anymore. I knew that day how bad I’d hurt you, Josh, and I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I didn’t know how to fix it, Josh. I’ve never fixed anything for myself, YOU’VE done it for me and this time, the problem was you, and I didn’t know how to fix it. And so when Lou hired me last week, I just thought here’s my chance to ask you how to fix it. How do I fix it, Josh?” She drops down onto the bed.

“I don’t know.” I confess. And I don’t. But she wants to fix it, and I want to fix it, and I really need her here. I don’t need her to work here, I just need HER. I sit down on the bed next to her. When I hear a sob, I turn to her. “I do know though that we can’t fix it if we’re apart. So, I guess we’ll just see what happens.” I reach my hand up to rub her back. The instant she feels my hand, she throws her arms around my neck. One of my hands snakes up into her hair and the other rubs her back. I bury my face in the crook of her shoulder. I’ve missed this spot.

When she pulls away, I stand up while she rubs her eyes clear of tears, then I offer my hand down to her and pull her off the bed. Nothing’s fixed, but at least there’s the acknowledgment that we want to.

I nod my head back towards the door. “Go get in the game, Donna.”


	35. Chronicles of Joshua, The

September 2005

“Uh, Donna? I want to, um....I’m sorry. About this morning, it was...inappropriate.” Don’t trip over your words here, you schmuck.

“Don’t worry about it.”

“Totally inappropriate. I feel terrible.” I don’t actually, I feel elated.

“Don’t.”

“Seriously.”

“Seriously. It was bound to happen sometime.”

I watch her walk away. She’s walking away kind of fast. I feel like an idiot. The last thing on earth I am is sorry about that kiss. Kissing Donna was everything I imagined it would be and more. Just as I see her get near the building, she starts to run and disappears inside.

Great. I finally kiss Donna and she runs away. That doesn’t really stroke the old ego there.

My mind has been working a mile a minute. What if the whole campaign hadn’t busted in this morning? Would that kiss have gone further? God, I wanted it to!

In the car afterwards, she looked as freaked out as I felt. I mean, I’m not freaked out.

Okay. I AM freaked out. Donna’s been completely unreadable for almost a year now. If this had happened two years ago, I know exactly what would have happened if the Congressman and his merry men hadn’t busted in on us. Now, I don’t know. She’s built these walls around herself specifically to shut me out.

Now, it should be noted that she was just as big of a participant in that kiss as I was. In fact, she had her fingers running through my hair, and, quite frankly, making me crazy.

She was smiling, and beaming, and radiating and looking at me like she hasn’t looked at me since....well, a very long time. I had her back. For that brief moment, my Donnatella was looking back at me and I suddenly couldn’t wait another moment to kiss her.

Every time I speak today, my lips are reminded of the way hers felt on them. My fingers can still feel her soft skin underneath them.

This is literally painful. I swear to God, I actually experience heart ache for this woman.

And what does she say in explanation? “It was bound to happen sometime.”

It was bound to happen sometime.

Wait a minute.

It was bound to happen sometime? Does that mean it was inevitable? I mean, I’ve always thought that we were on a collision course for each other, but does that mean that SHE did, too?

There were moments in our relationship that our feelings for each other were pretty obvious. Germany, for one; inauguration night, for two, and other moments, when I was sure that I’d lost her. I’ve had a lot of those lately.

A lot of sleepless nights reading into every word and every look. On the other hand, I’ve had a lot of horrible dreams where she’s been yelling at me. Yelling at me for holding her back, yelling at me for not coming after her, yelling at me for not having the courage to admit how I feel, calling me all sorts of names, unprofessional, being the nicest one. It’s like my subconscious is surfacing and every reaction I’ve feared she’d have comes out.

But I kissed her, and she didn’t have any of those reactions. In fact, she smiled, then kissed me back. Neither one of us obviously had plans to stop that kiss.

But she did just run away.

Actually, technically, I sent her away. I did, right? She didn’t run away; I told her she had to go get on a plane, and that’s what she’s doing. Right? God! Everything’s gray right now. The rose colored glasses are off and all I see is blurry gray. Well, that’s not true. Donna’s beaming face is clear as freaking day, as per usual. Those eyes and that damn smile are seared into my brain.

I spent an entire year getting over her.

Okay. I spent an entire year TRYING to get over her. I thought I was doing okay, too. I thought that I was just getting to that point where I could work with her again. But I folded at the first sign of that smile. That smile that’s just so genuine and just so only for me....

Yeah, I’m screwed.

The flight to Washington is endless. I try to make it look like I’m working, but I’m not. I keep sneaking glances over to Donna, trying to figure out what to do next. Yes. She said, “Don’t worry about it.” But our history together says something completely different. We finally gave in to an urge we’ve had for the better part of eight years, and it was the most amazing first kiss I’ve ever had.

Seriously, I always thought we’d be drunk when that happened. Every now and then, I see her looking back at me, too. The air between us seems almost charged.

Things are a little different now, professionally speaking. Technically, she works for Lou, who answers to the Congressman. Though, Lou put me through the motions of that second disasterous job interview. Personally... God, I don’t even want to think about the personally. Things have been said, and things that really need to be said still haven’t.

Maybe if I just tell her that I love her, it will mitigate all the other stuff. That in itself should be an acknowledgment for all the times I was a jackass, shouldn’t it?

We finally thankfully land in Washington and once we’re at the White House, I take off in search of someone to talk to about this mess. Someone who will be objective and help me figure this out.

“Charlie, I kissed Donna this morning.” I announce when I finally find him.

“Donna? Your Donna?”

“Well, I don’t know if she’s MY Donna, but yes, that Donna.”

“Donna’s a fine looking woman, Josh.”

“Okay, Charlie, enough with the fine looking woman stuff. I’m having a mild meltdown here.”

“Did she kiss you back?”

“Yes, very much.”

“And how was it?”

“I’m not going to kiss and tell.” I squeak.

“Josh, I threw snowballs at her window with you. I watched you have a nutty outside the Oval Office before you left for Germany, and sneak off at Camp David many times to call her. I watched you drag your ass around here like a kicked puppy when she left. And I won’t even talk about what I watched her go through after the shooting. Me, and everybody else around here, are invested in this moment. You WILL kiss and tell.”

Well, okay then.

“It was amazing.” I say with a shrug of my shoulders. “I’ve kissed a lot of women in my life, Charlie, but none of them have sent me into this kind of tizzy. I don’t know what do now.”

“What to do? It’s you and Donna. You say, ‘Donna, come back to my place and let’s get busy.’”

What the hell?

“Charlie! It’s me and Donna. I can’t say that to Donna, that’s what I’d say to...”

“Amy?”

“Yeah. Though I don’t think I’d ever use the word ‘busy.’”

“You and Donna do have an interesting history together.” he concedes.

“See my problem?” I nod.

“Yeah.” he nods in return. “Though it’s not hopeless. I don’t think we need to set up Team Josh.”

“We don’t?”

“Not yet. I think you and I can handle this.”

“Okay. So what do I do?”

“Tell her you love her.”

“What!?”

“Josh, you’ve been in love with her for years.” He says this like he’s trying to explain the Census to a ten year old.

“Yeah, so?”

“Can it get any more screwed up than it is now?” he says wisely.

“No.” I say. “Yes.”

“How?” he asks.

“She could not be in love with me.”

He laughs. He actually throws back his head and laughs at me. Well, that’s gratitude for you. I give the guy a job and years later, he’s standing there laughing at me. The man knows the President of the United States for crying out loud. Then again, Charlie probably stopped being grateful to me when he got his first death threat.

“Maybe she was once.” I say. “But I think the ship has sailed on that.”

“No.” He says confidently. “She’s been in love with you at least since the shooting, probably since the day you met. Why the hell do you think she put up with your shit for all those years?”

“Exactly.” I say. “She’s the most important person in the world to me, and I didn’t always treat her that way.”

“First of all, we’re ALL guilty of doing that to the most important person in the world to us. It’s the reason why they’re the most important person in the world to us. They put up with us when we’re assholes. Secondly, you treated her like she was your world, Josh, when she really needed you to and every single one of us saw it.”

“We’ve had a really rough year, Charlie.” I say softly, pressing my palms to my eyes. “We were barely speaking at one point.”

“And you think it can get worse than that?”

You know? Charlie has spent way too much time around the President. I really hate it when he makes sense.

“You know what, Charlie.” I say. “I’m going to go find someone else in this building who’s going to tell me what I want to hear.”

“I just did.” he says.

“You’re getting creepy now.” I say with a shudder and I leave his office... and his frigging creepy knowing smile.

The rest of the night pretty much goes down hill from there. I catch up with the staff at the hotel bar, long story short, Donna slides me her room key, stands up, leaves, Edie thinks she forgot it and gives it back to her. This happened so quickly, my head is still spinning from it.

That’s why I’m sitting here now in the indoor hotel bar, about to close it down, wondering how the best day of my life went to the worst day of my life. Isn’t that just always the way? It is for me anyway. If you ever wanted to know what Lot’s wife looked like, look no further than me.

Oh, am I drunk. That didn’t even sound right in my head.

“How did I know you’d be down here?”

Oh, my night just got worse. It’s Donna. I drop my forehead down into my arms to hide. I could be having sex with her right now. Mind exploding sex. Instead, I’m hiding from her in mortification.

“I came to apologize.” she says.

“What?” I ask, blinking and picking my head up.

“I assumed.” she says. “I’m sorry for coming on so strong, Josh. I just thought... I don’t know what I thought.” She shakes her head and looks down.

“Donna,” I say turning in my chair to face her. It makes me rather dizzy. “You were right to assume. You thought right.”

“I was?”

I should NOT have this conversation while drunk. It’s just as bad as drinking and dialing.

“Yeah. God. How could you not know?” I reply, rubbing my hand down my face.

“But Edie...”

“She took it before I could.” I explain. “And I was going to be more forceful, but I thought it would be obvious to everyone, and then I was afraid you’d end up with that stigma.”

“Stigma?”

“The one sleeping with the campaign manager.”

“You really need to stop worrying about my reputation.” she smiles.

“That’s not likely to happen.” I say, turning back to my drink. “And this conversation is a little mortifying, so I’d like to turn back to my friend Jack here.”

Her hand comes over mine where it rests on the glass and I actually stop breathing. She removes my hand from the glass and tugs me off my chair.

“We have to be up early, Joshua.” she says softly. I’ve always loved when she called me by my full name. When other women do it, it sounds like I’m being lectured. It’s never sounded that way coming from her...even when I was getting lectured.

“Are you going to put me to bed?” I smirk.

“No.” she says shaking her head. “You’re going to put yourself to bed.”

“I’m sorry, Donna.”

“It’s all right, Josh.” she smiles. “We’ll either both be drunk or both be sober, but not either or.”

“I’m totally depressed now.”

“You’ll get over it.”

“I’m a sad drunk now.”

“You usually are.” she chuckles and walks with me out of the bar.

Once we’re in the elevator, we lean up against the back wall and I tilt my head back and let out a long breath. I’m reminded of another painful night in Iowa in an elevator. She must be thinking the same thing because she links her pinky with mine and smiles tentatively.


	36. Chronicles of Joshua, The

November 2005- Part 1

“You want to go for a walk? Or....something?”

I look up as what she just said registers. She’s already half way across the war room. She throws a look over her shoulder and I toss the numbers down. For the second time in 24 hours, I shamelessly trail after her like a dog in heat.

Donna is amazing. It’s probably because I’ve never actually been in love with the woman I was having sex with, but the things I felt with her last night were, in a word, astounding.

Presidential election aside, today has been massively confusing. She doesn’t seem to want to talk about anything that’s going on between she and I. She just wants to have sex, and I am so okay with that.

We’re barely through my room door before I push her up against the wall. It’s a hot kiss, it really is, and she’s deftly unbuttoning my shirt and pushing it off my shoulders, as my hands are tugging at her sweater.

See, the thing is, is right now I need to get to her breasts. Donna’s got amazing breasts. Donna’s got amazing everything. As soon as I get her shirt over her head, I see that I left a mark last night.

“Oops.” I say softly, running my thumb over the hickey.

She looks down and shrugs. “It’s okay.”

“No, I’m sorry.”

“Josh,” she smiles. “It’s not a big deal. It’s hidden. It’s not as if I’m going to run around the war room topless.” I smile and pause. Donna rolls her eyes. “Josh, you pervert. Stop imagining me running around the war room topless.”

“I can’t.” I confess. “I’ve imagined it before.”

“You’re incorrigible.”

“Yes.”

She pulls my face back to hers. I’m sure it was an effort to shut me up, and I’m just fine with that. Our hands are now mutually working on each other’s pants as she breaks her lips away from mine and moves to my neck. I take an involuntary step back, and she pushes me up against the opposite wall.

Good God, I love this woman.

We are now both pantless, and I’m just completely naked, and she starts kissing her way down my chest. The second her knees hit the floor, I yank her back up.

“Donna,” I pant. “We don’t have that kind of time.”

“But, I want to.” she pouts.

“Later.” I reply, surprised to be, for once, impervious to her pouting. “Tonight.”

She takes a step back, and without breaking eye contact with me, unclasps her bra, slides it down her arms and drops it on the floor.

I’m sorry. Was someone saying something? All I see are Donna’s breasts. Am I supposed to be doing something right now?

Oh right!

Sex!

I pluck her off her feet and carry her to bed and she’s giggling the whole way. This time is way more playful than the lust crazed time last night. That’s mostly a haze. A hot haze, but a haze nonetheless. Now, we’re nipping and sucking and tickling each other all over the place.

I still have no idea what any of this means, but I’m going to have fun while it lasts, which I hope is forever. Well, I know what it means to ME, I’m just not sure what Donna’s thinking.

I pause to look at her while she’s naked beneath me. “Donna?” I whisper, softly kissing her lips.

“Mmm?”

“You take my breath away.”

“You’re going to be sweet now?” she smiles. “I thought you were stressed.”

“I am stressed.” I insist, pulling her earlobe into my mouth and listening to her hiss in response. “Very, very stressed.”

“I think there’s something we can do about that.” she whispers huskily and reaches down and wraps her hand around me.

Oh.

Dear.

Lord.

“Donna?” I squeak as she guides me to her.

“Yes, Josh?” She’s all wide eyed and trying to look innocent, but she’s bringing the hot.

“It’s not a leash, you know.”

“Isn’t it?”

I respond by pushing myself into her and she gasps. Ha! Taught her what happens when she plays with fire!

“You were saying something?” I tease.

“Was I?”

“Mmm-hmm.”

“I don’t remember.” she groans and begins to move.

I never thought I could connect this way with a woman in bed. I really didn’t. I fantasized about Donna and I thought we’d be amazing, but I didn’t think I could feel this way. I’m exploding in parts of my body that I didn’t know even could be sexually aroused.

And Donna’s a noise maker, too. She screams and moans and hisses, at one point, she squeaked. And she’s doing it in response to stuff I’m doing. I’m making her make those noises and that arouses me all over again. Her body responds to me as if it just knows it’s mine.

She screams my name and I follow her into bliss. I kiss her one more time before rolling off. I am totally relaxed right now. Of course, now comes the weird part. I would have thought that Donna and I would be cuddlers. I would have thought that we’d want to maintain contact as long as we could. I know I do.

But, I’m thinking that that’s some kind of declaration that maybe we’re not ready to make. The holding on to each other I think signifies an emotional attachment that maybe after the last year we’ve had, we’re not quite ready to admit to. I love her just as much as I did the day I realized I loved her, but maybe she’s not ready to let go. Or maybe she thinks I’m not ready to let go.

This is something we should talk about.

But, not on election day.

We chat a little bit and try and get comfortable with each other again. And then, we’re busted by Ronna and Edie. Well, it’s not like I didn’t ask for it. I called for the Minnesota numbers, for crying out loud.

As I shut the door after poking my head out and grabbing the numbers, I walk slowly back in flipping through them. I see that Donna’s half dressed and I’m depressed. I toss the numbers on the bed, grab her, and pull her to me for a very deep, and might I say swoon-worthy, kiss.

When we break apart, I tip my forehead against hers.

“Will you stay with me tonight?” I plead.

“Yes.” she answers immediately.

At the time, I had no way of knowing how integral her presence would be to me that evening. I just wanted the opportunity to lay in bed with her for a while.


	37. Chronicles of Joshua, The

~November 2005 - Part 2~

“Thanks, Boss.” I whisper at Leo and the Congressman’s -- President Elect’s picture on the dry erase board.

I sense Donna quietly cross the room towards me. I don’t have to turn to know it was her. Donna seems to know exactly how much time to give me to absorb something. It’s part of that whole being tuned to me thing, but how she knows is still a mystery to me.

She follows my gaze to the picture and plucks it off the board. “You should have it.” she says softly.

“It belongs here.” I say through a suspiciously emotional voice and shake my head.

“No, it doesn’t. It belongs with you. He gave you the opportunity of a lifetime with Jed Bartlet and you returned the favor in Matt Santos. You got him elected Vice President.”

I can feel the hot tears build up again and she pulls me into her arms again. This hug is very different than the one we shared a few minutes ago when this room was a madhouse. I hold onto her tightly and sob into her shoulder. Donna’s the only one I’ve ever allowed to see weakness like this from me, other than my mother, of course. She’s the only one I trust to see any vulnerability from me. She’s the only one that would never use it against me.

She rubs my back a bit and I take a second to thank God she’s back in my life and in my life this way, too. I couldn’t imagine going through a second of this without her. She was a rock when I lost my father and she’s done an amazing job of keeping me focused today. But the day’s done and the election’s over. I don’t have to think about exit polls, weather, lawyers, spinning, victory parties. She’s gotten me through that, and I can move on to what’s next.

Mourning the loss of my mentor and second father.

I barely notice that she’s pulled away and led me out of the war room and down the hall toward the elevators. She doesn’t speak, and I don’t ask, but 50 bucks says we’re not going to the victory party. As we step onto the elevator, she holds my hand and with the other, presses the button for our floor.

She doesn’t let go of my hand, and I have no intention of doing so myself. I rub the back of my neck as we leave the elevator and she tugs me in the direction of my room. At some point during the day, she must have snatched the second key card because she pulls it from her pocket and opens the door. Once inside, I see she’s already been here. I chuckle softly as I see that all her stuff is in here, but the amusement dies when I realize the impact of the gesture. She’s committing herself to stay with me until we leave.

She turns to me and rubs my arms, concern stamped all over her face. “How are you?” she whispers.

“How are YOU, Donna?” I counter and she shrugs and looks down. “All day, last night, it’s been about me. All you’ve done is take care of me and be there for me and what have I done for you?”

“It what I do, Josh.”

“It’s what WE do, Donna. Occasionally, I am able to get away with taking care of you, too. Don’t you need anything?”

“I need you. And you’re here.” she pulls away from me and grabs the room service menu. “Let’s get food.”

“You’re so amazing, Donna.” I whisper.

“For suggesting we eat?” she arches her brow, she’s getting some banter going to lighten the mood, but there’s so much I want to tell her still.

“For everything you do; for everything you HAVE done.”

“Did you talk to your mother?” she asks, and all I can do is nod and obey the crook of her finger to join her on the bed and find something to eat. Food. When the hell did I eat last? Did I even eat today? I must have. Donna’s been at my side all day. She’s not my assistant anymore, but she would have made sure I had the energy to get through the day.

She makes the order, and I smile at her brilliance of putting in a breakfast order, too. Donna is so incredibly detailed oriented. She sits back down next to me and shifts so her full body is facing me, then gently runs her fingers through the hair at my temple.

“You want to talk?”

“No.” I say softly. “He’s gone. There’s really nothing to talk about. I just can’t believe it.”

“I know.” she grins sadly. “He was always so larger than life. Just like...” She trails off and drops her hand to her lap and looks down.

“Just like who?” I ask looking over at her.

When she looks back up at me, she’s got tears streaming down her face. Her inner wall has finally crumbled.

Thank God.

I was beginning to worry about her keeping everything bottled up.

“Just like you.” she whispers.

“Donna...”

“You’re just like him, Josh.” she cries shaking her head. “You’re brilliant, and determined, and dedicated and nothing stops you. You get so tunnel visioned on your goal that you don’t let anything get in your way, and I don’t think I could handle it if it was you. I don’t think I could survive that, Josh.”

“But, we’re different, Donna. I have you.” I say, bringing my hands up to cup her cheeks. She makes an attempt to blink back the tears before looking up at me.

“He had Mallory.”

“It’s different.” I insist. I lean forward and kiss a tear streaming down her face then press my forehead to hers. “Donna, you’ve always made me want to be better. You’ve always given me something to look forward to. And as long as you’re in my life, I promise I will always do my best to be there for you.”

“Sorry.” she whispers looking down, then rubbing her eyes. I let my hands fall away.

“It’s okay.” I say softly. “Are you all right now?”

“Yeah.” she nods. There’s a knock on the door as room service arrives.

“Why don’t you go get changed?” I nod towards the bathroom and stand up. “I’ll take care of the food.”

“Kay.” she stands up, grabs a bag and disappears into the bathroom, as I take care of the guy at the door. Being campaign manager means you get a nice sized room, so I point him over to the table, tip him way too much and take some time to get changed myself. I pull on flannel pants and a Santos for America t-shirt. She emerges from the bathroom wearing the same thing. The only difference is the color of her pants.

 

“Oh my God.” I say dramatically. “We’ve morphed so much, Donna, we’re dressing alike!”  
She laughs, as she crosses the room and pulls her hair up into some crazy bun thing. “You laugh, but I’m having a vision of matching Christmas sweaters or something.”

She stops and looks a me in surprise. “Have you ever seen me in a Christmas sweater?”

“No, but if you were naked, I’d probably agree to wear one.”

“Josh.” she scoffs and lifts the lid off of a dish. I’m surprised to see pizza underneath. I thought for sure there’d be chicken and salad and a bunch of stuff I wasn’t in the mood for, but I guess she was looking for comfort food.

She curls up into a chair at the table and I grab two beers out of the mini-bar. I’m exhausted and not sure I’m good for more than one, but this one will help me sleep, not that I need too much at this point. I’m not sure I can cry any more today, and given the oh so seductive sleepwear Donna’s in, I don’t think a third go of it is in the plans either.

I shouldn’t say that. Donna just being Donna turns me on. I actually really like the fact that she’s so comfortable with me that she can dress in something like that and let her guard down. Believe it or not, while I’d applaud the effort, I’d be kind of freaked out if she came out in some sexy Victoria’s Secret number.

The Catholic School uniform is another matter all together though. I’d pay some serious money to see that.

We eat in silence and she’s actually done before me. As I finish the remnants of my beer, she moves around and switches off our cell phones, unplugs the wall phone and shuts off the alarm clock. Someone’s going to have to bang on the door to get us before we emerge tomorrow...later today...I have no idea what time it is.

She disappears into the bathroom and I can hear her brushing her teeth. When she emerges, she shuts off the remaining lights, leaving the bathroom light on and slides into bed, then looks at me expectantly. I take the obvious cue and head to the bathroom and brush my teeth, too. Instead of shutting the light off in the bathroom I pull the door behind me and leave it cracked. For some reason, I don’t want to be in the total darkness. It usually doesn’t bother me, but something about it tonight seems like too much.

I slide into bed and curl my body around hers, but she turns towards me and buries herself in my chest. Earlier in the day, I didn’t think we were cuddlers. I didn’t think we were ready for the kind of emotional attachment that it signifies, but Donna and I have always been tactile with each other and we have always been drawn to each other for comfort.

It’s finally her turn to break down and she sobs against my chest. Donna’s pain breaks my heart, and that’s saying something since I didn’t think I had any more pieces of my heart that could break today. But the tension and tragedy of the day is catching up with her. So I rub her back and croon in her ear until she cries herself to sleep.


	38. Chronicles of Joshua, The

November 2005 - Part 3

There’s a pounding on my door, and it takes me a few minutes to realize it’s not my head. Who could possibly want something from me now? I got accosted by everyone, including the President, at the service.

Before I’m to the door, it flings open and I’m a little alarmed. The Secret Service detail doesn’t start yet.

But it’s Donna.

I should have known.

She looks like she was just running and she looks almost frantic.

“What happened?” I ask instantly.

“Oh good, you’re not dead.” she notes closing the door.

“What’s going on?”

“I called you.” she says. “And then I was knocking forever.”

“I was sleeping.” I confess. I was half-way to drunk earlier when I realized that I was completely exhausted. The emotion of this day has been limitless and my head was about to shut down, so since Donna said she wasn’t coming over...

Wait a minute.

“I thought you weren’t coming over?” I smirk.

“I know.” she nods quickly, ignoring my leer. “CJ kind of saw through me anyway, and she was going to Danny’s.”

“Why am I not surprised?” I mumble.

“And I just...I wanted to see how you’re holding up.” She walks over to me and smooths down what I imagine to insane bed head.

I rub my eyes and try to wrap my mind around this whole situation. Donna and I have been doing this touching thing for, like, three days, and I’m still not used to it. Don’t get me wrong. I love it, but I’m still absorbing it. She just...touches me now and it’s amazing. She didn’t do it before at the White House because since we really haven’t defined this to each other yet, it’s best the entire town and leader or leaders of the free world don’t know yet. Especially the current leader of the free world. He can be a bit of a gossip when he’s in the mood, and he totally was tonight.

“So, are you going to stay?” I ask.

“If you want me to.” she nods.

“Of course I want you to. I wouldn’t have offered before if I didn’t want you to.”

“I know. I was just surprised, and I didn’t think...”

“Donna, if nothing else, you’re my friend. And if I’m honest, you’ve been my best friend for years. In my life, would you ever think I’d rather you stay in some hotel?”

“Yeah, I know. But, this is weird territory for us. We haven’t talked about what any of it means, and we don’t have to now. In fact, it’s probably better we don’t for a little while to let everything get settled down a bit, but I didn’t want you to think that I was moving fast or expecting too much...”

She’s rambling.

Must shut her up.

I swoop in and kiss the hell out of her. You have no idea how long I’ve wanted to get her to stop talking by doing this. It’s just as effective as I thought it would be.

She immediately gets into it and starts pushing me back towards my bedroom. I get her out of most of her clothes in transit. Once we’re at my bed, she breaks apart for a second to pull my shirt over my head.

Since I was just sleeping, my bed’s unmade and she tumbles backwards, pulling me with her. I’m about to take a second to revel in the fantasy fulfillment here, but she latches onto my ear, and... well, I’d rather get to the actual fulfillment than just thinking about it.

And can I just add here that for probably the first time in my life, I’m TOTALLY okay with someone rudely and abruptly waking me up? My mother would be so proud.

If I were to actually tell her about this.

And if I did, she’d STILL be proud. She’s been routing for Donna for years.

Which makes two of us, quite frankly.

Donna rolls me over onto my back and...well, it’s really hot because she’s naked...and in my bed. She’s slowed down a bit, as she’s kissing her way around my chest. She’s seems to be on some sort of exploration mission. She kisses the puckered scar of the bullet wound, which is no longer sensitive, but I jolt a bit anyway. And she kisses her way back up to my lips and I roll her back beneath me.

I pause for a second and look at her, take in every inch of her beauty.

“What is it?” she asks softly bringing a hand up to my face.

“Nothing.” I say and kiss her palm. I wish we were more defined than we are, because I really want to tell her I love her. Well, she probably knows I love her, but that I’m IN love with her. But I’m notoriously bad at these things and I don’t want to freak her out. I don’t think I could handle it if she rejected me.

Of course, I would be rather surprised if she did, but I also don’t want her to think that I’m saying anything like that because of Leo.

“I’m glad you came over.” I say instead.

“Yeah?” she smiles brightly and I nod. “Someone was hoping to get lucky?”

“Oh, I got lucky nine years ago, Donna.” I say softly.

“Josh....” she smiles and gives me her ‘You’re so sweet’ face.

“I did. You told me when we met you thought you’d be valuable.”

“I did?” she scrunches up her face.

“You don’t remember?” I frown.

“Well, I was saying pretty much anything that I thought would stick to the wall, quite frankly.”

“Well, that was one of them. In fact, that was THE thing you said that got you hired.”

She lightly trails a finger down my chest and over my stomach. “And did I?” Oh, it’s the husky voice. I LOVE the husky voice. “Did I become valuable, Josh?”

“Oh, God, yes.” I groan as she gently strokes....well, parts that I’m not going to tell you about.

“I tried, you know.”

“You succeeded.”

“I didn’t always think so.”

“That’s my dumb fault.”

She chuckles lightly as her free hand moves to that place just behind my ear that makes me insane. I don’t think that I can handle all these sensations right now. Everything’s tingling.

“I could have been MORE valuable.” she continues. I can’t believe she’s still talking. “When I think of all those wasted hotel rooms over the years....”

Mmm....hotel sex with Donna....sex with Donna...

There’s some cell in my brain functioning though and I lift my head from where it fell into her shoulder. “Donna, obviously your value to me was never physical, though I confess you’re making quite the case for yourself right now. The work you did was your value to the administration. Your value to me was and is immeasurable.” I trail a finger down her cheek and across her lips, then replace my finger with my lips.

I have a feeling that sex with Donna is always going to be different because this time is more like making love and it’s an amazing experience.

One thing that I’m finding that I just can’t get enough of is kissing her. I could kiss this woman for hours and having her moan and move beneath me while I’m kissing her is really....well, it’s quite something.

She calls out my name and I immediately pull up to watch her. I’m not sure I’ve ever seen her more beautiful than when she’s like this. It provides me enough motivation to quicken my pace and join her.

I drop to her side and she pulls the blankets over us. And I kiss her again, because I just enjoy kissing her that much.

“Thank you for coming over.” I whisper.

“Well, this was definitely more preferable than sitting in CJ’s empty apartment.”

“I’m very hospitable.”

“Yes, you are.”

“I do provide a lot of amenities that CJ does not.”

She trails a finger down my chest and then snuggles in closer. “Yes, you do.” Then she yawns loudly. I roll on my back and pull her with me and she cuddles right into my side. I kiss her forehead and pull her close.

Why did I fight this for nine years? Why didn’t I run after her when she left the White House like I should have? This is not a bad way to spend an evening, you know what I mean? 

It’s not a bad way to spend the rest of my life, either.

Whoa! Okay, well now, that’s a thought that I’m going to obsess over now. As strange as it seems, I never really thought of my life without Donna in it, and the first half of this year was miserable without her in it, but I never really gave thought to the exact way she’d be in my life. This is definitely what I wanted, but as I lay here and think about it, I’m finding I’m still a little surprised that she is in it like this. I spent so many years wanting this, waiting for this exact moment, that now that it’s here, I’m almost afraid it’s not real.


	39. Chronicles of Joshua, The

December 2005

As long as I live, I will never forget the look on Donna’s face when I handed her the plane tickets to Hawaii.

Four weeks my ass.

Okay, okay, okay, so I was forced to take the vacation by Sam. But I was absolutely not forced to take Donna with me. But ten days on the beach with Donna was really a no brainer. You should see the size of the bikini she’s been pretty much living in since we got here.

Oh yeah, ten days. I was only going to make it a week, and then I realized that if I extended it, we could be here for Christmas. Plus, I figured for a guy that’s never taken a vacation and really, really, really needed one, I probably deserved the extension at this point. I know Donna deserved it.

Speaking of Donna...

She comes out and joins me on our patio, or lanai, or whatever they call them here. I went all out. I got a beach front room at a really expensive resort in Waikiki in Oahu. We got all sorts of brochures with things to do, but we both seem content to veg out in the sun on the beach, in the water, and just be in the warmth with nothing around us.

Donna’s got a yellow tank top on and a long flowing skirt with this brown wooden belt thing on that cost, in my opinion, way too much money, but since I’ve kept her from a vacation for the better part of nine years, I shut my mouth and bought it for her yesterday anyway. It does look nice on her. She plucks a big flower from the arrangement on the table, tucks it behind her ear and straddles my lap.

Not a bad way to spend a vacation.

She hasn’t worn any makeup since we got here, and her nose is a little sunburned, which makes her blue eyes pop.

“You’re freckling.” I say quietly as I drop a kiss on the tip of her nose.

She wraps her arms loosely around my neck and smiles. “You’re so relaxed.”

“I know.” I laugh. “We’ve been here for four days and I still don’t know what to do with myself.”

“I think we’ve been making the best of our time.” she whispers and places an open mouthed kiss on my neck.

We have had a lot of sex since we got here. That’s probably why we haven’t really done anything else.

“Donna?”

“Mmm?”

“I want to talk about something.”

“Kay.” she says sitting up. “What’s up?”

“Your job.”

“My current job or my job offer?”

“Both. It’s all the same category.”

She sighs and nods. I don’t know what she expects me to say, but she seems to be settling in for the discussion.

I take a deep breath before I look up and meet her eyes. “Donna, I think you should take it.”

“Really?” she sounds as amazed as I was when I discovered I thought that, too.

“Yeah. You’ve really developed a good relationship with Helen. She trusts you. You know what life’s going to be like for her better than anyone on the transition team. You know how the West Wing runs, and, well, quite frankly you handle me better than any else in that job could. And maybe that’s a little selfish of me, but I think you’d be good over there.”

“You don’t think we’ll get a bunch of flack because I don’t have a college degree?”

“Not from anyone we need.” I shrug. “You know politics, Donna; you know how that town operates, and that’s what Helen Santos needs. She needs someone to help her navigate the waters there. Plus, she’s going to be so freaked out when she gets there and busy with trying to get her kids settled and accustomed to life in a fish bowl that it’ll also give you ample time to get your feet wet and be ready when she is.”

“You’ve really given this a lot of thought.” She looks actually impressed.

“Well...yeah.” I confess. “Donna, I was so torn about what to do with you there. You were right. Whether something was happening with us or not, you couldn’t work for me. I hated to admit it, but it’s true.”

“I guess that brings us to the other conversation.” she says softly.

“Well, I thought my position on that was pretty clear by this trip.” I hedge.

“It’s not that easy though, Josh. There is so much history between us that we can’t forget it. Nobody knows me like you do, and you’re amazing, Josh. I know we started to talk about this stuff when I first joined the campaign, but if we’re going to talk about stuff, Josh, we have to talk about all of it.”

“You’re right.” I sigh. “Where do you want to start?”

“I have no idea.” she shrugs. “Where do you think we should start?”

“Why did you really leave?” I whisper. Might as well dive right in and get the hard one done first.

“I wanted more from you.”

“You got everything, Donna. You got everything I could possibly give you. You got more than my girlfriend got. You got everything, and the only thing that I couldn’t do was touch you and I really, really wanted to. I wanted to touch you and tell you that I loved you, but I couldn’t and then it was too late. But, you got everything else, Donna. You had my loyalty, my respect, my protection, my admiration and though I couldn’t tell you, my heart.”

“Josh...” she whispers.

“You’ve always had me, Donna. Always. Ever since I’ve met you, it’s been about you. I’ve had one girlfriend in eight years. Do you know how many cold showers that is?”

She chuckles before she wraps her arms around me. “I missed you so much.” she whispers.

“I tried to talk to you. One time I stood right outside your hotel room door, but I didn’t know what to say if I knocked. I didn’t know what I was apologizing for. If you opened the door, I didn’t know if I should beg or yell.”

“I think you should have yelled.” she says softly. “I made you the scapegoat. All I wanted was for you to see me as more than your assistant and more than your friend and when it looked like you weren’t interested, I got mad. I gave you seven years of loyalty and it didn’t get me anywhere... so I thought at the time anyway, then CJ said some things that were mostly mortifying and it took my thought process in a totally different way. I DID want more from my job, and I did see that you were exploring that. When you came to Germany, Josh, I thought.... well, I guess it doesn’t matter what I thought then after Colin walked through the door.”

“I thought I’d finally done it, Donna. I was sure I finally lost you.” I say softly.

“It wasn’t what it looked like.” Donna said. “I know it looked bad, but he was just coming to see how I was doing. He saw the explosion, Josh. Everyone died but me. I guess he just wanted to make sure it wasn’t a total loss. I was pretty surprised he came.”

“But not all that upset by it.” I say dryly.

“I was, Josh. Every time I woke up, you were there by my side. I just... knew I screwed it up. When I was in Gaza, I thought it was time to move on and try to start getting over you. You seemed perfectly happy just going to back to Amy and Colin seemed like a good way to start that process. When I woke up the first time and you were there, and you didn’t bring anything with you... you didn’t stop for red lights, Josh.”

She’s crying now, and she puts her hands over her face. My heart is breaking in two for her, and I wrap my arms around her. “I’ll never stop for red lights, Donna. Ever.” She lifts her head and kisses me softly. “You make it sound like you’re to blame for everything and I was a saint, Donna, when we both know that’s not true.”

“No, I know.” she says. “But it’s why I thought I left.”

“I wasn’t just happy going back to Amy. It was just easy with her to forget you, to forget what I couldn’t have and focus on what I could. I used her just like she used me, and I’m not proud of it, and in a really weird way, Donna, I actually did it for you. There were so many rumors about us that I thought if I had a girlfriend, it would protect your reputation.”

“You really picked a winner there, Josh.” she mutters.

“Donna, you’re going to have to work with her.” I warn. I’m not overly wild about Amy’s position in the new administration. I think the President-Elect must have been distracted by something shiny at the time of that particular job offer. But it is what it is.

“Not that much.” she shrugs, then looks devious. “Besides, I won in the end.”

“You won in the beginning, too.” I smile. “You won a couple of times a long the way, too, you just didn’t know it.”

“Wait a minute.” she says suddenly. “Back the truck up.”

“What’s wrong?”

“You just said that you wished you were able to tell me that you loved me.”

“Yeeaaahhhh?” I say slowly.

“Joshua, are you saying you’re in love with me?”

“Donnatella, I am hopelessly in love with you.”

“You are?” she smiles.

“And have been for quite some time.” I nod.

“Me too.” she whispers.

“I know.” I confess. “But I wasn’t sure for a while.”

“I’m really sorry about that. If there’s anything in my life that I could do different, Josh, it would be you. I should have told you years ago. I should have told you after the shooting. You never should have had to wonder. If I had...”

“Leo probably would have transferred you, and we might not have made it with how much I had to work.” I finish. “Donna we may have had to give some things up, but in the trade off we got as much of each other as we ever could. In the trade off, I got to look out for you still, and make sure losers didn’t breathe on you too much and fight for the things you believed in. We may not have had this...” I trail a finger down her cheek and then run her hair through my fingers. “...but sometimes, I think we had better.”

“Yeah.” she smiles. “Sometimes we did.”

“But!” I say, hopping up and taking her with me as she squeals. “I reeeallly like this!” I carry her back into the room and drop her on the bed.

“Joshua!” she shrieks. “Am I going to get to see ANY of Hawaii?”

“Doesn’t look like it.” I quip, sliding onto the bed next to her. “Besides, all you ever said was you wanted me to take you here. You never said anything about actually seeing any of the islands.”

“You’re such a politician, always looking for the loopholes.”

“Well, that’s the lawyer in me.”

“I wouldn’t be proud of it.”

In retaliation, I tickle her shamelessly. She squeals and squirms, and it isn’t until she threatens to pee her pants that I finally let up and pin her hands up by her ears. We’re both smiling and breathing heavy now and I drop down onto the bed next to her.

We lay there for a few minutes smiling as we get our breathing back until control.

“Hey, Donna?” I ask finally.

“Yeah?” she turns to look over at me, and I’m just so awed by how beautiful she looks and amazed by the love I finally get to see in her eyes.

“What would you say about moving in with me?”

“You want to live together?” she smiles.

“Yeah.”

“Cuz when Amy said she wanted to live together, you freaked.”

“That’s because she wasn’t you.”

“The twitchy chic did gripe about having to move.”

“She gets to keep your place, you get a place in Georgetown, everyone wins.”

“What do you get?”

“Hopefully someone that knows how to program my coffee maker.”

She smacks me on my arm, but climbs above me. I look forward to many lazy days just like this...and I wouldn’t mind if some of these moments got interrupted by kids either...


	40. Chronicles of Joshua, The

January 2006

I probably shouldn’t be surprised by the fact that I couldn’t sleep last night. The same thing happened to me eight years ago, of course, I was going to work as Deputy and not as Chief of Staff, and I didn’t have quite as many people looking at me for direction on what the hell to do.

I roll over and look at the clock. 6 a.m. We don’t have anywhere to be today until 10 a.m. when we meet with the President and First Lady-Elect.

I close my eyes in a vain attempt at salvaging some sleep, and smile as I feel a soft hand slide over my shoulder. I roll over and smile at the vision that’s been greeting me every morning for a month, and hopefully months and years to come.

“Hey.” I say softly.

“How long have you been awake?”

“I’m not sure I ever went to sleep actually.” I confess.

“Joshua,” she groans. “You have a big day.”

“Not really.” I shrug. “It’s not like anything’s going to get done today.”

“Besides the swearing in of a new President.”

“Well, if you call that just anything...”

She rolls her eyes, but it doesn’t phase me.

“Let’s go over The Rules.”

“Donna!” I whine.

“Excuse you?” she arches a perfect brow at me and I sigh dramatically.

“All right. The rules.” I say, like I’m totally inconvenienced by this, but every second spent with Donna is time well spent.

“Rule number one.”

“Home by eight unless something blows up.” I drone.

“Um...again with rule number one.”

“What? Isn’t that rule number one?”

“No.”

“Shit. What was rule number one?”

“Josh!”

“No bellowing for Carol!” I say triumphantly.

“Yes. Now, rule number two?”

“Home by eight unless something blows up, but Donna, what if a vote turns to shit?”

“That’s why you have Sam and one of Sam’s many talents is his ability to dial a telephone.”

“Yeah, but...”

“There are no yeah buts.” she insists. “This is exactly why you wanted Sam. Sam knows how it works. Did Leo stay and work the phones with you?”

“Sometimes.”

“Like twice, Josh.” She links her fingers with mine and I’m reminded what I’m getting out of this deal. “Rule number three.”

“I’m not feeble; I don’t think my diet needs to be revamped.”

“Josh, you just turned --”

“Don’t say it.”

“My point exactly. You promised me!” She’s getting all riled up and flustered, so I calm her down by sticking my tongue down her throat. Works every time, I tell you.

“Calm down.” I say softly. “I’ll do anything for you, you know that. Just, you know, expect me to bitch a lot about that one.”

“I would expect nothing less.”

“Your turn. Rule number one.”

“Josh, these are silly.”

“Rule number one.” I use my don’t mess with me tone.

“No backless dresses.” she rolls her eyes.

“That’s an important one. I don’t want Gomers drooling over you.”

“What difference does it make anyway? I’m going home with you.”

“It’s a whole guy thing, Donna. It’s thousands of years of evolution in the making. Rule number two.”

“When I take separate trips, I will always call and tell you that I arrived safely.”

“Thank you.”

“Even though if I don’t, it’ll be all over CNN and I imagine you’ll get a phone call pretty quickly.”

“Donna.” I warn.

“I’m just saying.”

“And finally, our joint rule.”

“No dirty politics between you and me in the White House.”

“That’s an important one, Donna.” I say softly. “People are going to try that a few times. I’ve never taken people using you to get to me well, and I don’t want anyone to try to manipulate us and what we are to each other for their own purposes. And they’re going to try to do it, Donna.”

“Josh, I spent nine years protecting you. I don’t know why you think I’d stop now.”

“Some people are pretty persuasive and often the enemy can come in the shape of a friend.”

Lesson learned the very hard way there.

“I’m on it.” she says confidently and closes the distance to seal the deal with a kiss. “I love you, Joshua.”

“I love you, too.”

She gives me a little shove and then rolls out of bed, then disappears into the closet, while I go start the shower. “After we meet with the President and First Lady-Elect, CJ wants to see you for a little bit.” she calls from the closet.

“Why?” I ask before leaving the bathroom and moving to the kitchen to switch on the television.

“I have no idea.” I hear the shower door slam. Dammit! She did it again. She’s always snaking my warm shower! I consider joining her, but she’ll freak because she’s nervous about today.

I confess to a certain amount of nerves myself. I’m secretly terrified I took on too much. I feel like the whole town is waiting for me to fail. I’m pretty sure this is the case with most people, because it’s how I’d be if someone else were in my job.

I smile as hear the coffeemaker click on and start to brew. My life just runs better when Donna’s the one in charge of it.

Meeting with the President and First-Lady Elect is kind of surreal with Donna sitting across from me. I’d say that I wouldn’t mind getting used to it, but doing it in this kind of capacity is probably not going to happen again. Not that the four of us aren’t going to be in a room together many times, but not so much with the going over things like this.

As I look at Donna sitting across from me, I’m overcome by a wave of nostalgia and loss. Gone is the girl who needed me so much nine years ago. Before me is a confident woman who still needs me, but in a completely different way. She’s figured out her way in the cold cash cow world of politics. She’s maintained her compassion, her quirky sense of humor, and confidence in what we embody together.

She catches me looking at her and our eyes lock for a moment. She blushes a bit and looks back at the First Lady. I could swear she just read my mind.

We keep a close contact during the ceremony. Half way through she links her fingers with mine and squeezes.

We go our separate ways when we get to the White House, and once I get the President settled, I tell him I’m going to check on the rest of the staff, but I’m headed right for the East Wing. He probably knows that.

As I walk, I see Sam breaking up a circle of very lost staffers.

“There are maps, and this is the White House.” Sam says as if he’s speaking to children. “I don’t care how lame you think you look reading a map. Use them and don’t be late.”

I smile and quickly walk past them, thinking back to our very first day here with President Bartlet. Sam’s conveniently leaving out how incredibly lost we got. I’m okay with that.

I find Donna powering up her computer at her desk.

“Damn, you can fit our entire apartment in here.” I say by way of announcement.

She looks up and smiles. “I was wondering how long it would be until you made your way over here.” I shrug as I walk further into the room. “I feel very important getting a visit from the Chief of Staff on my very first day.”

“Oh, every one is.” I toss back. “All 1300 people are getting a personal welcome from me today. You shouldn’t take this as any kind of indication that I actually like you.”

She rolls her eyes. “How about the huge floral arrangement there?” she asks pointing her finger to the flowers I sent her.

“Well, the higher up people are getting those.”

“And all the sex?”

“You might be the only one getting that.”

She leans across her desk and crooks her finger at me. I dutifully obey. “They’re beautiful. Thank you.” she says before she kisses me and I grin like a smitten 15 year old. “I swear to God, Joshua, sometimes I think you’re the sweetest guy on the planet.”

“You’re going to ruin my reputation as a Pitbull.”

“I’m writing my own book on you.”

“I’ll be finished in politics.”

“Get out of here and go do something, for crying out loud.” she says and shoos me away with her hands. “Maybe make sure we don’t get bombed.”

“It is important that someone keep an eye on that.” I say over my shoulder as I leave her office. Her assistant outside is wide eyed as I pass. There seems to be a lot of the ‘Oh my God, what the hell am I doing HERE?’ look going around today.

It’s a relatively short day since we only got here just after lunch and everything really gets going tomorrow.

Sam knocks on the door as he walks in. I am so happy to see him back in this building. “Everybody’s running in circles.” he says putting his hands in his pockets, sitting in a chair and stretching out.

“Yeah, it’s funny.” I chuckle. “I haven’t told a single person that was me eight years ago.”

“Yeah, I seem to have forgotten those moments myself.” He replies. “Nice office.”

“It’s kind of freaky.” I say with a little shudder. “They’ve been in twice about the decorating.”

“Who cares what color it is?”

“I don’t know. Heads of state.” I reply. “I could care less what color it is. I sent them to Donna.”

“Is that the job of FLOTUS’s Chief of Staff?”

“It’s Donna’s job.”

“Some thing’s never change.” He chuckles.

“And I’m eternally grateful for it.” I sit up quickly when the Secret Service comes in. “Shit!”

“What’s the matter?” Sam asks concerned.

“God, it’s my first day and I lost track of the time.” Sam arches a brow at me as I snatch up the phone. I grab my jacket and toss things into my back pack that she’s never going to let me work on anyway. “Hey, Beautiful, it’s me.” I say when Donna answers the phone. “I’m on my way home.”

~THE END~


End file.
